Driven to Distraction

I've been plugged onto the web for a little over two weeks now and I find myself in a hypnotic state, slowly falling, falling, falling for her seductions and enchantments. Now, here I am at work, physically at my desk with my mind flying elsewhere, unable to concentrate because there is a man on the other side of the planet with whom I can connect with on different planes and because my body and my nether regions are sore after I have once transitioned again into "cyber-whore".

Fanning an Old Flame

A couple of days before the year ended, I tried chatting again. It was almost a 7 year sabbatical for me and during those days when I was a cyber-addict, it was a never-ending adventure into virtual debauchery. There were some real-life encounters too.

Now that I’ve logged on again, I noticed that things in cyberspace haven’t changed much. There are still perverts left and right, looking for an easy lay or simulated sexual encounters and there are those that are just plain noisy, shouting above the cyber din just so that their voices be heard, never mind the fact that they have really nothing substantial to say. What I have noticed though is that I’ve changed.

For one thing, my expectations from those I chat with are managed more. My heart doesn’t break every time I get rejected because I realized that I also get to do my own choosing. I get to choose whom to spend my time with and if it is worth spending time on at all. I’m not so eager anymore to “show a piece of flesh” because right now I know what I want and I want more than just my momentary needs fulfilled. I don’t take offense so much anymore with the liars and those who misrepresent themselves because I take what they say with a grain of salt in the first place. I’m less shy in showing myself, my face, because I have nothing to be ashamed of.

I was a netizen before for 4 straight years and through it, I’ve had friends, loves and lovers and I don’t regret any of it. But let me tell you that it feels good coming home with a better sense of self.

One of the nicest people I’ve met so far in this reunion is a 29-year old guy from Austria. He’s a farmer and he has a villa in the province and takes care of cows, buffalos and horses. The farm belongs to his family and he’s had to stop schooling to take charge of the farm. He lives separately from his parents (they live in Salzburg) and most of the time we talk about the things that he wished he could have done to live it up if he didn’t have to spend his life on the farm. He is currently finishing the equivalent of a college degree by taking night classes.

I haven’t told him much of my life or my lifestyle but in contrast to his (which basically means fresh alpine air, rolling green meadows and peace and contentment), my life would sound like the foyer to hell and debauchery what with the drinking, the never ending parties, the smoking, the dancing, the singing in revelry and the spontaneous trips to the beach or to wherever with a group of crazy people just intoxicated with each other’s company.

The funny thing is, he envies this which is just proof that the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. I tried telling him that it wasn’t so great afterwards but for someone who’s never experienced it to say it for himself, I don’t think that would hold much water.

We’ve been getting close and got into a seduction scene last night. It was oh so tempting to backslide on my net resolutions but (proud to say this) I didn’t cave in even if I knew that he’d be sorely disappointed. I did ask him when he begged for leave if it was “for good or for now”. He said it was “for now” but I’m not sure how it will be henceforth. Will I see him again? Will our chats still have the same quality now that I’ve drawn some boundaries? I really don’t know. If things change between us, then of course, I’d be really sad. He was such a sweet, considerate and smart man but then again I know I’ll live. Been there. Done that.