Thanksgiving Part 2

This is my second Thanksgiving here in the US. Somehow, this time around, there's really not a lot to be thankful for compared to last year. I'm estranged from my family. I've been run out of home and country. I have a ton of debt which I don't know how to pay for. I still don't have a love life or... wait, let me rephrase that... I still don't have someone who loves me and cares for me in a romantic sense. My darling dog died. I can't manage a really good smile because some dork thought it was amusing to throw a rock through our window and hit me on the face with it and to top it all off, I still have no idea how I'm going to stay on here.

I'm panicking already. Worse, I am paralyzed by panic like I'm in the last two minutes of a basketball game and there's really not much you can do to shorten the lead of the opponent because the clock is ticking and there isn't much time.

PK is the last stand, really. For the first time in my life, I don't have a plan B. I was going to work on it as soon as he left for Thailand but then I had to heal from my injury and then the vacationers came on over. Still, even if those things didn't happen, I couldn't in good faith look for someone else because PK was in my garden. My loyalties lie with him. My fear is that it is misplaced.

I've gone on this quest for the Holy Grail for a couple of years now. I've been told over and over again, build it and they will come. So I set myself up to be ready for him whom I was going to spend my life with. And yet, I come up with nothing.

I envy my friends who have found their special someones. But I really don't know how to do relationships. I don't know how to dance that dance. I've prayed for succor from the heavens to help me out with this but it seems God has more important things to attend to. So I really don't know what to do. I just keep on praying and praying now. I don't know what else to do.