The Morning After

I got totally freaked out the morning after the whole intimate thing. As usual, my panic attack was accompanied by physical symptoms. My breathing was shallow. I couldn't focus very much on anything and I had the urge to run as far as I could from this man.

I ended up giving Lover that "drunken phone call", except that I wasn't drunk and it cost a lot more since I called long distance. I got his machine and told him that I didn't know why I called, told him about my freak out episode and was just basically looking for him. He still hasn't surfaced for air ever since I told him M was in town. I dunno. Maybe he's busy. Whether it's work or another object of his affection (or his cock's affection for that matter), I don't know.

I spent the night with M and was with him until he left for the airport. We had standing arrangments to get together for a "delicious goodbye" last night but his clients took him out and a bit late became later and then later still. This was so reminiscent of the fights I had with my lover that it definitely seemed like deja vu. I didn't know if M was really busy or if he was really out with clients or out on a date or if he was just really not interested and was blowing me off. But of course, I would like to think myself wiser for the experience with my lover and I now know that pressuring a guy when he's in the middle of business is a definite no no. So I played my cool and after making sure that he really wanted to see me and didn't just feel obliged to do so, we met up and made happy.

I swear, this guy is like a sex genie. I can ask him to do anything for me and he delivers with perfect precision with a hint of ecstasy on the side. Like this thing with mirrors, I told him how seeing us in the mirror fascinated me and the rest of the night, he made sure that I got a good view of everything that was going on.

Other than that, I feel totally comfortable being myself with him. The strange thing is that I'm the same way with my lover except that it's a different side of me that emerges when I'm with him. With lover, I get all squirrelly and playful. With M, I'm still playful but I'm much more relaxed and less in a defensive stance.

I guess it's only now when I can see my time with my lover in relation to time spent with M that I realize that I felt like I was walking on eggshells around him because 1) he dangled rejection in front of me like a carrot on a stick, and 2) he didn't allow me to show him that nurturing, caring and affectionate side of me which is also a big part of me.

I don't dislike my lover more after the experience with M. Heck, I've accepted him as is long before but now I know that I could be "loved" more (and I use the term loosely, ok?) M has been wonderful in reassuring me that he wants me to stay, hang around, share his stuff, his time and all that. And by now, I think he's wondering whatever happened to me to get me so skittish. Kind of like when you see a frightened and shy dog at the pound and you wonder what the previous owner did to get it that way.

After a glorious romp in the sack, we slept together. Actually, I had difficulty sleeping. I don't know if he sensed it but I just lay awake there in his arms while we were spooning, wondering what this was all about and kind of hoping he'd say something to give me more clarity. We didn't have enough time to sleep since he had an early flight and we had to get up early so I didn't push having "the conversation".

Truth to tell, I wasn't all gung ho to know the answers either. Last night was my version of "getting back on the bike" after that freak out episode. One thing I learned though, if you just stay quiet and don't push even if circumstances aren't ideal just yet, they come around sooner or later and try to make it up to you. Like today, he said that when he gets back he's going to book up to the weekend so that we could sleep in late and have breakfast. He also mentioned dinner and asked me what my favorite restaurant was. That was nice. At least he has plans to take me out of the "under cover of darkness" category.

He did mention the "G" word -- girlfriend. I swear, in relationships like these that were meant to be in the gray area, that's practically taboo. The thing is, he mentioned it tangentially so I could neither refute nor comment on it. He just said that the folks in the lobby (he's a frequent guest so they all know him) would say when they saw me, "Hey, Mr. A -- you've got a girlfriend!". He mentioned it a couple more times and I guess I was in shock. My exact thoughts at that moment were: "Why are you talking about that?!??" but since it was more of an insinuation rather than a statement of fact, I could do nothing but smile. Cautiously, I might add.

Then the other night too, there was an insinuation of sorts. I had never slept with anyone before and I told him so. I also said that I found out that it was nice after all. And that's when he said, "Only if you like the person". Ummm...does that mean he likes me?

I swear, I am not going to obsess about it. I'm just glad that I seem to improve my intimacy issues with this guy. Physical intimacy first. We can work on emotional intimacy the next time around. I'm just glad that I can talk to him without turning into a bowl of jello. I don't know a lot about him yet so there's still a lot of space to build trust. IOW, I really haven't figured out what my opinion about him is. I think that's good. He's not a character that I've cast in the movie of my life.

Yes, I think I'll see where this one goes.