The Phone Call

On a whim, I called my Lover long distance. I hadn't seen or heard from him in a couple of days and my mind was racing with all sorts of worst case scenarios so I thought I'd put myself out of my misery and just find out for myself.

He was home. He just spent the last four days in SF with his brother. He said he found himself the perfect fuck situation. He is now a sexual surrogate for a Thai girl and her husband. He fucks her about twice a week. He's not doing anyone else.

He though that that kind of situation would make it better for me since the girl was married and it seemed (to him) happily so. I suppose I should be pleased, shouldn't I? I, of all people, should know since I've had experience in extra-marital affairs for almost a decade already. Wasn't this better than him making a connection with all these single women who might pounce on him at any time? Oh, I dunno. More on this later.

He told me not to worry. To stop thinking and just relax and I said that I wasn't really worried. I did tell him though that it was bra girl that really bothered me. She who left two pieces of ordinary bras at his place. Then the questions poured over -- Did he let her sleep over? (yes, he did) How come she can be his friend and I can't? How come she went with him to Reno? How come she gets to go to weddings with him?

He said that I was like the Spanish Inquisition but I wasn't done. I had a couple more questions -- did he like her? (he said only enough to pull her panties down) Does he love her? Is he in love with her? He said no to all of the above.

Then again, what does it matter if he didn't if in the same breath, he didn't like me that much or love me either? I still haven't gathered the courage to ask that question. I do intend to one of these days. Cut to the chase. It seems pretty pointless to hang around someone who doesn't like me that much.

What he said was that there was no one like me. I was in a category of my own. I said that that was my line and he wasn't allowed to use it. He also said I was difficult but when I asked him if he would rather not have known me, he said no and that was the end of that.

We talked about some other stuff. He said I should get more cock. He told me about his itinerary for his European tour. For some reason, he just wants to spend time in the mountains there. We talked about my birthday and reminded him to greet me.

They say that in love, there is a crystalization process that only absence can bring. That's what happens when I don't get to talk to him and then when I finally do, I'm reminded of how mundane and inconsequential his existence is and my existence is relative to his that I'm snapped right back to earth.

We're so wrong for each other. This is so pointless. The guy simply doesn't have any feelings when it comes to me. And I hate myself for turning into this -- I don't even know how to describe it. I simply cannot make myself be a cool customer in his presence. I just fall apart and turn into this petulant and suspicious lover.

The realist in me wants to sever ties already. To call a spade a spade and move on. I am sorely tempted to write him a letter to tell him everything I feel. That I deserve much more than what he's willing to give me. The competitive person in me wants to hang on, to prove to myself that sheer persistence will turn the tide. In a previous blog, I think I signed on for four years, until such time that he was emotionally ready. I'm not past year one yet and I find myself faltering. I am questioning the prize at this point.

Then there's also the fact that I really DO think too much. I could be over reacting and yet, on the other end of the spectrum, I just feel wrong for being treated like this. I almost broached up the topic of "the blind leading the blind" in our conversation earlier. He didn't quite hear it so he asked me to repeat it and I buckled down and changed the topic.

I've been watching the last season of Sex and the City and our relationship -- oh, I forgot, "dynamic" is what we call it -- is like Steve and Miranda's. Type A meets Type B. Control freak seeking to relinquish control ISO doormat seeking to gain control to prevent emasculation. Not exactly the healthiest dynamic.

I told him I wanted to be friends. I'm not sure he heard it. Or that he equated it with a change in our dynamic. Perhaps I should be more emphatic next time.