Slaying the Dragon

I'm exhausted.

Really.

I just spent a week at the beach doing my cleansing rituals to banish the incubus that has hindered my love life all these 22 years. A day after I got back, I had to fly off to the province to attend the wedding of our long time housekeeper (24 years) who is finally getting married at 42. I think I caught the bridal bouquet when it was tossed but I'm not sure. There were only three of us trying to catch it - Baba, Kring and I - and Kring caught it at first but wasn't able to hold on to it so I ended up catching it.

This whole experience - not being sure if I caught it, Kring catching it at first - just unravelled me. Seriously, I feel as though I'm on a verge of a breakdown. I feel so resentful of my sister who has a boyfriend who keeps on texting her, who cares enough to find out how she is and me having no one to talk to.

I love my sister and she tries to help me out in my lovelife. I'm just really tired and resentful right now. I don't know why love and romance have to come by so hard for me. I don't know why I have to climb mountains, pray incessantly, slay dragons just to get a bit of love or even the opportunity for it. This journey has been sooooo long. Taking me to so many destiny and spiritual advisers, taking me to foreign lands, getting my heart broken over and over again in the process, and even now that my incubus has gone, I'm so ready to throw in the towel.

I've been reading Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus during this trip to the province. Frankly, I feel depleted and I am longing to go to my cave and never come out. It helps though to know that other married couples still have problems communicating and being intimate with each other but the difference between them and me is that they've already found the person to work out all these problems with. I do have a prospect but he hasn't contacted me in about two weeks and I don't know if he's just in his cave or he's lost interest in me altogether. He's all I've ever dreamed of in a husband (well, give or take a few) but Kring and Angel say that with him, I will have to initiate all the time to get what I want whether it be a ring or a trip to the altar. They also say that if I stop contacting him, he'll just find someone else. THAT is just exhausting.

Just imagine my fairy tale - I get to be the princess in the ivory tower waiting to be rescued and yet I have to slay the dragon on my own and instead of being swept off my feet, I have to tell my knight in shining armor what he has to do. It's just too much!!! And I'm tired and I'm weary and I'm just exhausted. It's just too much and this loneliness is such a burden.

It also doesn't help any whenever my dad refers to Kring's wedding and not mine. I don't even want to invite him to my wedding. He's the one who helped shoot my self esteem down through the years and now he's still doing the same thing. I've already cut psychological and emotional ties with him because I can't handle it anymore.

To tell you the truth, I don't know why I'm feeling like this when I should be happy that my incubus has gone. I'm going to know for sure when I meet up with Angel but even then, I'm afraid what she will say about D. Knowing for certain that I will have to start all over again -- well, I don't have any choice but to accept that but I am so close to being done with the whole thing. And what adds more pressure to this is the lack of a Plan B.

I can tell you right now that although I have to come up with a Plan B, I'm not excited about it. I have to get myself to a place where I am looking forward to days being alone and who wants to look forward to that? The recurring thought of ending it all is also bothering me. It's becoming more and more appealing and since I am by my lonesome again instead of being surrounded by loving family, I'm bothered by it.

All of a sudden, I hate everything about this country. It's just like my love life - I've loved it but it didn't love me back. Add to that the fact that everyone else gets everything easy. Kring may have been dumped and two timed by all her boyfriends but it doesn't take long for her to get a new one.

I think I have to take it easy for a few days and just take care of me. I'm usually a joyful person and great fun to be around with but but but... I seem to have lost my way being that person again. Maybe I just need to step back and collect myself.