The Sins of the Father

I don't know what to do about my dad anymore. He tried to talk to me early this morning (presumably to borrow money)-- but he didn't get to that part. I really didn't even want to talk to him but because I felt I was being unreasonable, I called back and the first thing he puts on the table is to ask me if I was willing to help. And when I said, "How?" he took that as a slight because in his mind, I should have said "yes" right away, no questions asked.

Is he insane? Is he kidding me? The bottomline is that you don't ask that kind of question to somebody who doesn't trust you. And I don't. I don't trust him at all. I haven't done so in the past five years or so ever since he tried to evict me. There's too much bad blood between us to leave a good taste in the mouth.

He is just so unbelievably oppressive and the most narrow minded person on earth I know. And, yes, I am angry at him. Raving mad, actually. I'm mad because he has been so selfish. I'm mad because he doesn't think about our family even if he continually boasts to others about being a family man. I' m mad because all these words are lies because he ceases to back them up with solid action. I'm mad because for the past seven years, he has neglected to put in place mechanisms that would ensure that my sisters would have tuition, there'd be food on the table, money to pay the bills and that my mom would not need to worry and think about these things. I'm mad because he pushes away the people that can help him the most because he's being over sensitive. I'm mad because even my brother cannot look up to him right now as being his role model. I'm mad because he has the temerity to even consider running for politics (and he did say he would run) when he doesn't even have the money to put food on the table. I'm mad because he burdens my sisters with the problems that he should have been taking care of instead of letting them focus on their studies. I'm mad because he feels that he can withdraw on the goodwill of others when he hasn't made any deposits. I'm mad because this state was foreseeable and could have been prevented but he did not do anything to prevent it.

I am just so mad at him. The world doesn't owe him anything, you know. He should know that. And right now, I just don't love him at all. Heck, I don't even like him at all.

I have already relegated this relationship as a lost cause. It's just so heavy. Maybe one day I will be able to talk to him but right now, I really am indifferent if only because I'm focused on my survival and that of my sisters. Right now, it's best to just peaceably co-exist. Communication is futile anyway with someone who does not seek to understand where the other is coming from. I am willing to talk and process these feelings but NOT without a third party such as a mediator or a counselor. No way. Nothing would happen if we just went at it on our own.

It's just so heavy. Everytime I move a little bit forward, he comes back in and drags me down. I don't want that in my life.