It's V-day today and for the first time in many years I'm not paranoid about it. Strange huh? Even if I haven't heard anything (not even so much as a greeting from people I "love"), it doesn't seem to matter so much. It's just like any other day -- except that I'm okay. Really. I might even be happy, you know, haha.
I talked to D a couple of days ago. Maybe it was even a week ago and he did say that he would come over here and when I told him that I hoped he'd be here for V-day, he said that Mumu can be my date instead while he isn't around. Very funny. Mumu HAS been my date for the past couple of years.
It's different having peace of mind and trusting in the future. I've never felt this positive in a long time even if I don't have anything tangible that's different from my situation before. My bills still need to get paid. I'm in a much deeper debt hole than ever. I don't have a regular job but make enough to pay the bills. My family problems are still as loathesome as ever. I'm fatter than I ever was before. I don't have any men I go out here with in my country. Although I have friends, they're too busy to hang out with me. I'm uncertain what will happen to my relationship with T or D and yet...I am not worried. In fact, I feel blessed despite all this.
I remember one time when I felt really down and I was looking up at the night sky while I was on the porch. I was crying my eyes out and I asked God to help me with this burden. I asked Mother Mary to soothe my troubled spirit and lifted up my heart to Them. I said that They could take care of my heart much more better that I could what with my faulted judgment and human error. And you know what? I think they they're helping me right now. And I'm thankful for the blessing.
Finally, I am trusting is Something, Someone that I cannot see. And it feels wonderful.
Happy Valentines today. Share the love.
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