What the....???

Okay. I don't know why all of a sudden my love life has stopped to a screeching halt. They all just disintegrated into thin air. PK's gone, GB's not responding to my emails and DD...well, that one isn't news, I haven't heard from him in quite a while.

I've been spending time with AT but I don't think he's romantically interested in me. He initially contacted me for tagalog tutorials and me being the nice person that I am, I acquiesced. In turn, I made him my virtual personal trainer. So in between language lessons and my fitness program, we find lots to talk about.

Still and all, I have no idea what happened to these men that I'm rendezvouing with. I was about to fall into another "nothing is going to happen to my love life" depression again when I caught myself in the brink of time and picked myself up before falling into that decrepit hole again. Yes, it does get lonely. Yes, I wish there was someone out there who gave a shit that I existed. Yes, I wish I were a hottie so it would be easier to get men interested in me... but right now, there's no one there. There's only me. And that's who I'll be working on for now.

It's like what they said in CWG, Masters always pick the same thing over and over again. And since I said that this year I would love myself the most, I PICK ME. I LOVE ME. I won't let some inconsiderate oaf make me feel bad about myself. I am beautiful. I am sexy. I am smart. I am witty. I am worthy of love. and... even if I'm not that conscious of it all the time, I AM LOVED. I AM ENOUGH. I just want to be better. Because I want to. For me. And if I see PK again and I am such a hot babe, I will make him drool. And beg for it. But I want him to see me fuck someone else first. Then I'll think about getting it on with him. Ha ha. And if he doesn't want me, who cares? I'll be a hot babe. Everyone will want me. (okay, a bit overboard there... haha)

I AM HAPPY GIRL. So whenever I feel down and out, all I have to do, as said in CWG, is to THINK AGAIN. Change the sponsoring thought. And my sponsoring thought is LOVE. I AM RICH. I AM WEALTHY. I AM BEAUTIFUL. I AM LOVED. Like KK said, I just have to do my time. Everything comes in good time. I am destined for it.

So there, I am changing my thought about being sad that no one's here. Let's see what my destiny adviser will tell me Friday.

The Bell Jar

It sucks being alone. It's even worse when you feel sick or there's something wrong with you and you have no one to turn to for help. Even worse than that is when you tell the people around you that you think something's wrong and no one gives a shit.

I've been having intermittent pain in my lower right abdomen since last night. I thought it was a glitch so I ignored it but it's been reminding me about its existence every so often that if my tummy was any bigger than it is right now, i'd mistake them for labor contractions. So I just got back from Carlo's bday lunch and Die Hard 4.0 and i'd like to rest for a bit before I start working. Yeah, deadline again.

Oh, and another thing. Today I wanted to die.

I don't know if my pain is psychosomatic and is a manifestation of my emotional state but it seems that way. The last time my ovaries acted up, I was in the middle of a nervous breakdown. I'm not there yet but I think i'm getting there. This is the time when you begin to understand why love or the lack of it brings all sorts of tragedies.

To sum it all up, I am in love with PK who will never love me back. My other prospects are missing in action save for the newest one, Ashton. DD is MIA, GB is MIA too. PK has another girl. So i'm left all alone again. That's sad.

I'd like to see my destiny adviser again to get a wee bit of hope if there is some over the horizon but I also have a bone to pick with her. Every time she tells me something, I'm filled with hope, excitement, radiating with expected joy and the anticipation of happiness and I end up following her advice then it doesn't pan out. And I become a useless deflated balloon again. It's tiring and I can't take it anymore.

I think meeting PK really was my karma. If he is like my dad, then he is a negative influence on me. Look where I am right now? I've never felt this hopeless and despondent. And I know that even if I am, the world doesn't feel the same. It will still keep on turning whatever happens to me.

I know all the rah rah phrases -- claim your destiny. If you come across a bump in the road and you think you won't come across the love, happiness and success that you deserve, think again. The end is assured. I know all that but today they just ring hollow for me. I'm going to lie down after this and think whether waking up is a good idea.

I also need to see my Destiny Adviser and ask her the million dollar question that may be against her interest to answer me honestly: Is constantly seeing her changing my destiny?

To be honest with you, I'm starting to feel like a failure. It's not a good feeling at all.

Profiling

Very enlightening day, really. I have a new friend I am in a "chat-ship" with (he coined the term, the word was alien to me before this) and in the process of getting-to-know you, I was trying to explain how my relationship with my dad affected my present relationships.

He kept on saying that I would eventually want someone who was like my dad. I said, I hardly like my dad, why would I want to end up with someone like him?

Well, the conversation went this way and that and while I was having a marathon session of Criminal Minds on DVD, I looked at the guy I was most attracted to and cross referenced that with characteristics of my dad. Very interesting findings. Of course, lover was my primary subject. And on the outset, he would seem like the total opposite of my dad but the fundamentals were pretty much the same.

• With PK, I never know if he loves me at all.
• With PK, I have no assurances that I am enough.
• With PK, he wants me to follow him without question.
• With PK, he just wants me to be there, present, even if he does not have plans for/about me.
• Just like my dad, PK has no concept of time and no respect for my time or anybody else's time. He does what he wants and expects everyone else to adjust.
• Just like my dad, PK expects you to be happy with what you give him. No whining. No complaining or it will be construed as a lack of trust.
• Just like my dad, he likes orderly surroundings
• Just like my dad, he always wants me to remember my place (which is below him). IOW, he demands deference.
• Just like my dad, he is addicted to approval of others. Except that with my dad, it was public appreciation and adulation. With PK, he needs other women to worship his cock.
• Here's the kicker though -- he is just as selfish as my dad.

This different perspective on PK is certainly an eye opener. If he's like my dad, and I don't have a good relationship with my dad, this really won't work out between us. So given my seduction goal, I have to do a bit of profiling. My dad's favorite daughter is my third sister. Of course, his relationship with my mom plays in this also.

As for my sister, she's the only one that my dad can really talk to (well, before she got really pissed off at him). She's obedient. She defended him all the time. She supported whatever he did. She was malambing to him, always asking permission and approval. This compared to me who has always been at loggerheads with my dad. (I won't do what he asks simply because he asked me to).

As for my mom, she always listens to him and does not put him down. She has everything prepared for him, making sure that he comes home to something nice. She doesn't contradict him but just accepts what he says but remedies it later on by scheming that is unknown to my dad.

So how is this information going to be useful for me? Notes to self:

• be available whenever he needs me. And this means not taking it personally whenever he disappears. I just have to be there when he's there.
• do not talk about other guys. he is the ONLY guy. (well, at least do not talk about your feelings with other guys, just relate the fuck sessions i have with other guys because he asked me to)
• do not question what he wants for me. TRUST HIM.
• do not question what he is doing outside the time he spends with me. He will find his way back.
• be happy with whatever he gives you. do not complain or ask for more. Just be appreciative and grateful
• since he is like my dad, do not expect him to come running after me. Just take initiative all the time. He will like that.
• since he is like my dad, I should not expect him to be maasikaso or thoughtful or romantic (heck, my dad forgets my mom's bday sometimes) but I shouldn't construe that as he doesn't love me or isn't proud of me (I remember when I passed the bar, I totally forgot he was connect with the SC and he got the results ahead of time). He probably won't let me know directly but will talk to others about me.
• I should be submissive. And obedient. And just shut up sometimes like my mom tells me to. Just agree with him all the time.
• Never embarass him or put him down in front of other people. IOW, think the best of him all the time.
• I can do what I want until he states a preference because his preference becomes mine.
• LOYALTY is highly valued.
• DO NOT BE DEFENSIVE.

Okay. That's it for now.

How Dare He

A couple of days ago, I talked to my lover and in the middle of the conversation I told him that I finally figured out that he was my karma.

He said that he was telling me that long before but I didn't believe him. I said, "No, no. You said it was my destiny to meet you." I said, "Are you saying that you're my destiny and my karma?"

And he said, "Yes."

My retort? I said that I'd only figured out the karma part for now.

You know, I don't know if he thinks this destiny stuff is joke for me or not. Frankly, I thought he would have forgotten our conversation before about him being my destiny. When we had that conversation, I sort of told him that I didn't think he was my destiny. Only part of it. I was hoping he'd have forgotten that. Apprently, he didn't. Hmmm. Okay, so he remembers I was an unbeliever, haha.

Still and all, how dare he claim that he is my destiny? Especially when he very well knows that I love him and that he won't do anything about that? There should be punishment for words like that that are let go so lightly. I think it's cruel.

Besides, don't those things have to converge? How can he be my destiny and I not be his destiny at the same time? I don't really understand it.

Humor me, will ya? I must have been one bad motherfucker in my past life if I am destined to end up with someone who loves himself more than me, who will constantly minimize and shatter my fragile ego and self-esteem, who will not go the distance for me, not call me on my birthday, yadayadayada.

Bobbitesque

Who could ever forget Lorretta Bobbit, the woman who made headlines a few years back when she had had enough of her husband's maltreatment and just decided to chop off his cock? Now, there's a moral lesson to the story there. If you're a smart man, you will take the utmost care not to get a woman fed up.

Yes, FED UP. Right now, that's what I am when it comes to PK, that selfish bastard who isn't half as good a lover as he thinks he is. After doing a disappearing act on me (which I had been very patient about), we finally get into conversation and then he just leaves in mid air.

Now, there are very few triggers that push *THAT* button with me. Of the view, shrugging when being spoken to and turning your back to me when we are discussing something will really blow my top off. That just sorts of brings me in the "to hell with you" zone.

And right now, I am simmering with fury. If he were in front of me, I'd tell him to get as far away from me as possible if he doesn't want to bear the brunt of my wrath. I have lost my patience with him and if I were Queen, I would banish him out of my Court until he regains favor. If he so much as displays arrogance and cockiness whatsoever, I would have his cock chopped off in front of everyone. I'd even put several nubile Thai girls right in the front row, teasing and tempting him, ready to spread their legs for him so that he would realize what he would be missing henceforth with the lack of his most precious member. I'd make him watch me fuck other men, other girls get fucked by other men and he would be sentenced to a life of emasculation.

So i declare it to the universe, PK, until you treat me right and fuck me good, you will never get a hard on with any other girl. It will be a failure to launch each and every time. I ask this in the name of AE, the Divine Warrior Goddess.

I have no idea if PK will speak to me again after last night. I actually don't care. It's been a long time since he's made me feel good with him so I don't really give a shit. He just ends up ruining my day. So there. Banished from Court until he finds favor with the Queen again. Sentenced to a life of impotence until he is properly remorseful and repentant.

So it shall be.