The Bell Jar

It sucks being alone. It's even worse when you feel sick or there's something wrong with you and you have no one to turn to for help. Even worse than that is when you tell the people around you that you think something's wrong and no one gives a shit.

I've been having intermittent pain in my lower right abdomen since last night. I thought it was a glitch so I ignored it but it's been reminding me about its existence every so often that if my tummy was any bigger than it is right now, i'd mistake them for labor contractions. So I just got back from Carlo's bday lunch and Die Hard 4.0 and i'd like to rest for a bit before I start working. Yeah, deadline again.

Oh, and another thing. Today I wanted to die.

I don't know if my pain is psychosomatic and is a manifestation of my emotional state but it seems that way. The last time my ovaries acted up, I was in the middle of a nervous breakdown. I'm not there yet but I think i'm getting there. This is the time when you begin to understand why love or the lack of it brings all sorts of tragedies.

To sum it all up, I am in love with PK who will never love me back. My other prospects are missing in action save for the newest one, Ashton. DD is MIA, GB is MIA too. PK has another girl. So i'm left all alone again. That's sad.

I'd like to see my destiny adviser again to get a wee bit of hope if there is some over the horizon but I also have a bone to pick with her. Every time she tells me something, I'm filled with hope, excitement, radiating with expected joy and the anticipation of happiness and I end up following her advice then it doesn't pan out. And I become a useless deflated balloon again. It's tiring and I can't take it anymore.

I think meeting PK really was my karma. If he is like my dad, then he is a negative influence on me. Look where I am right now? I've never felt this hopeless and despondent. And I know that even if I am, the world doesn't feel the same. It will still keep on turning whatever happens to me.

I know all the rah rah phrases -- claim your destiny. If you come across a bump in the road and you think you won't come across the love, happiness and success that you deserve, think again. The end is assured. I know all that but today they just ring hollow for me. I'm going to lie down after this and think whether waking up is a good idea.

I also need to see my Destiny Adviser and ask her the million dollar question that may be against her interest to answer me honestly: Is constantly seeing her changing my destiny?

To be honest with you, I'm starting to feel like a failure. It's not a good feeling at all.