The seduction of FB has begun. Sent him that first email and he was very receptive. In fact, the chat that followed was rather intimate and somewhat romantic. Better than I expected even. I have clarified status that I'm his girl and he said that he will always be my lover no matter what my situation is.
Isn't that what I wanted?
The thing is, I didn't expect him to capitulate too soon. That's catching the mouse waaaayy to early even before a proper chase has gone on. Ever since that email, I've been chatting with him as soon as he gets home from work and when he wakes up before he leaves for work. That's too much exposure for me.
That is also the reason why it's best that I see him in small doses. Even if I long to be close to him and be considered special above all others, I'm just not built that way and too much intimacy and prolonged exposure to each other will just drive me away.
He's also terribly dull, have I mentioned that? Seriously, I don't know how he can manage to revolve his life around sex and not get bored with it from time to time. I mean, I do understand it because he's a man but what I'm really saying is that I won't be able to maintain my sanity if that's all we did. All he talks about is going deep inside me and I don't know how many girls he tells the same thing to. So there. Boring for now. But make no mistake, I am pushing through with this. I just need to get some distance from him.
Have a possible playmate over here. He's American. Looks good too -- lean and muscular with a well endowed banana shaped cock to boot. He was nice on the phone and we'll be getting together soon. FB gave his stamp of approval so, hopefully, if things turn out well, I'll get my diversion soon enough.
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
Monday, February 26, 2007
The Game is Afoot
FB just came back from Thailand and a couple of days ago, I found out that he made a "special friend" over there. She also the reason he couldn't come visit me in my country because he was thoroughly enjoying himself over there with her.
Okay, so I've cried my eyes out, gnashed my teeth and pulled my hair out in grief the past couple of days but thanks to a different perspective, I've decided to get back in the ring and stake my claim over MY lone wolf. Yes, I do know that we will never end up together and even if he dropped down on one knee and asked me to marry him right now, I'd say no BUT FB has a long term role to play in my life and I will definitely protect *that* interest of mine.
My destiny adviser says that it will take at least three months for me to get under his skin once again and four to five years before he does a double take and realizes how much I have come to mean to him but after much deliberation, I therefore conclude that I am willing to put in the time.
My biggest challenge in all this is keeping my green monster at bay. I am actually quite notorious to my friends when it comes to jealousy episodes and the words "unbridled passion" comes to mind. But I think that as long as I keep my eyes on the ball and put on my game face, I can do this. I have been advised though to use email as my main medium until such time that I can get a handle on my emotions and not let anything seep through during live conversation. And if that Thai girl has won the battle this round, I will make it my own personal mission to make sure that I will win the war. I am a seductress and this seduction will certainly put my skills to the test.
Why do I think I can do this? Well, I've got credentials. Ha ha. The letter writing part, I've got down pat. I have seven years experience in an ongoing romantic correspondence behind me and even if the guy broke my heart (battle), four years later, he is still pining after me, a fact I gathered from his best friend.
As for the "other woman" part, heck, I have been in an emotional affair with a married man. Played badminton with his wife and went through the hell of her pregnancy with their first born. Yup, I was there that day when the doctor announced she was pregnant and when she finally gave birth, J named his son the name I picked out, not the one his wife did. And yes, I was totally in love with the man. So the whole episode hurt and I bore witness to him being with his wife, being sweet to his wife especially during those times when I simply couldn't avoid her presence during office functions when family was invited.
If I could go through that, I am certain I can go through this. For one thing, FB isn't married and doesn't plan to be. He's not looking for love. He's looking for fun and companionship. Oh, and another thing, I'm the one in a relationship right now so that's the twist in this case. And when that relationship becomes permanent, then the rules of engagement will have to be tweaked. Until then, my strategy in marking my territory is largely a mental one. I will have to assume he's married. He's entitled to have sex with her and to spend time with her or whomever he wishes to. She doesn't concern me. My world with FB is our world together. Ours and ours alone. Whether she's sweet or kind or satisfies him in bed, I will even accept that as fact. I will not wonder about it. It's a given. But I will go through this on the basis of my own merits. The sexiest organ in the body is the brain and I will give him a taste of that sweet nectar. I will not ask him about his conquests. I will merely tell him about mine (fact or fiction) and remind him from time to time that I am real. So I will be his muse and whenever he fucks some other girl, it will be me who'll be in bed with him.
So yes, I can do this. I will not even be paranoid at the results nor wonder about it. I will just do it and continue doing it and it will be like the constant drops of water that smooths out a jagged stone over time.
I'm marking my territory. And I'm in it for the long haul.
Okay, so I've cried my eyes out, gnashed my teeth and pulled my hair out in grief the past couple of days but thanks to a different perspective, I've decided to get back in the ring and stake my claim over MY lone wolf. Yes, I do know that we will never end up together and even if he dropped down on one knee and asked me to marry him right now, I'd say no BUT FB has a long term role to play in my life and I will definitely protect *that* interest of mine.
My destiny adviser says that it will take at least three months for me to get under his skin once again and four to five years before he does a double take and realizes how much I have come to mean to him but after much deliberation, I therefore conclude that I am willing to put in the time.
My biggest challenge in all this is keeping my green monster at bay. I am actually quite notorious to my friends when it comes to jealousy episodes and the words "unbridled passion" comes to mind. But I think that as long as I keep my eyes on the ball and put on my game face, I can do this. I have been advised though to use email as my main medium until such time that I can get a handle on my emotions and not let anything seep through during live conversation. And if that Thai girl has won the battle this round, I will make it my own personal mission to make sure that I will win the war. I am a seductress and this seduction will certainly put my skills to the test.
Why do I think I can do this? Well, I've got credentials. Ha ha. The letter writing part, I've got down pat. I have seven years experience in an ongoing romantic correspondence behind me and even if the guy broke my heart (battle), four years later, he is still pining after me, a fact I gathered from his best friend.
As for the "other woman" part, heck, I have been in an emotional affair with a married man. Played badminton with his wife and went through the hell of her pregnancy with their first born. Yup, I was there that day when the doctor announced she was pregnant and when she finally gave birth, J named his son the name I picked out, not the one his wife did. And yes, I was totally in love with the man. So the whole episode hurt and I bore witness to him being with his wife, being sweet to his wife especially during those times when I simply couldn't avoid her presence during office functions when family was invited.
If I could go through that, I am certain I can go through this. For one thing, FB isn't married and doesn't plan to be. He's not looking for love. He's looking for fun and companionship. Oh, and another thing, I'm the one in a relationship right now so that's the twist in this case. And when that relationship becomes permanent, then the rules of engagement will have to be tweaked. Until then, my strategy in marking my territory is largely a mental one. I will have to assume he's married. He's entitled to have sex with her and to spend time with her or whomever he wishes to. She doesn't concern me. My world with FB is our world together. Ours and ours alone. Whether she's sweet or kind or satisfies him in bed, I will even accept that as fact. I will not wonder about it. It's a given. But I will go through this on the basis of my own merits. The sexiest organ in the body is the brain and I will give him a taste of that sweet nectar. I will not ask him about his conquests. I will merely tell him about mine (fact or fiction) and remind him from time to time that I am real. So I will be his muse and whenever he fucks some other girl, it will be me who'll be in bed with him.
So yes, I can do this. I will not even be paranoid at the results nor wonder about it. I will just do it and continue doing it and it will be like the constant drops of water that smooths out a jagged stone over time.
I'm marking my territory. And I'm in it for the long haul.
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
Slow Day
My destiny adviser told me to take a slow day to think and meditate whether or not I was ready for marriage. Seriously, I don't know how to take one. Even though I try not to do anything, my mind still races at a hundred miles per hour and I can't seem to settle on the thought. But to oblige, what would be the things that would change if I get married and to an extremely busy man at that?
I was going to make a bulleted list but then again, all it boils down to is that because he's busy, I'll have much alone time. Then what's new? I'm alone most of the time. I'd really rather be with someone who cares about me and whom I care about than be alone. I'm already rather domesticated, you know. I don't need to be out all the time (just some of the time) because I almost always find something to amuse myself with.
I know I'll have to socialize with his family and friends and I'm okay with that. I know I'm going to have to make new friends of my own wherever I'll be based in and i'm okay with that too. I'm going to have to learn how to live with my hubby, his likes and dislikes but since he's got a schedule of his own then it won't really be an ongoing thing. They say he's the jealous type even if he doesn't claim to be but most of my male friends are over here anyway so I don't think that's going to be a problem.
Bottomline is, I'm alone most of the time. I'd like to share myself already. Not because I need company but who knows? Maybe somebody else would be happier with me around. That would be nice -- making someone else happy.
I was going to make a bulleted list but then again, all it boils down to is that because he's busy, I'll have much alone time. Then what's new? I'm alone most of the time. I'd really rather be with someone who cares about me and whom I care about than be alone. I'm already rather domesticated, you know. I don't need to be out all the time (just some of the time) because I almost always find something to amuse myself with.
I know I'll have to socialize with his family and friends and I'm okay with that. I know I'm going to have to make new friends of my own wherever I'll be based in and i'm okay with that too. I'm going to have to learn how to live with my hubby, his likes and dislikes but since he's got a schedule of his own then it won't really be an ongoing thing. They say he's the jealous type even if he doesn't claim to be but most of my male friends are over here anyway so I don't think that's going to be a problem.
Bottomline is, I'm alone most of the time. I'd like to share myself already. Not because I need company but who knows? Maybe somebody else would be happier with me around. That would be nice -- making someone else happy.
My Funny Valentine
It's V-day today and for the first time in many years I'm not paranoid about it. Strange huh? Even if I haven't heard anything (not even so much as a greeting from people I "love"), it doesn't seem to matter so much. It's just like any other day -- except that I'm okay. Really. I might even be happy, you know, haha.
I talked to D a couple of days ago. Maybe it was even a week ago and he did say that he would come over here and when I told him that I hoped he'd be here for V-day, he said that Mumu can be my date instead while he isn't around. Very funny. Mumu HAS been my date for the past couple of years.
It's different having peace of mind and trusting in the future. I've never felt this positive in a long time even if I don't have anything tangible that's different from my situation before. My bills still need to get paid. I'm in a much deeper debt hole than ever. I don't have a regular job but make enough to pay the bills. My family problems are still as loathesome as ever. I'm fatter than I ever was before. I don't have any men I go out here with in my country. Although I have friends, they're too busy to hang out with me. I'm uncertain what will happen to my relationship with T or D and yet...I am not worried. In fact, I feel blessed despite all this.
I remember one time when I felt really down and I was looking up at the night sky while I was on the porch. I was crying my eyes out and I asked God to help me with this burden. I asked Mother Mary to soothe my troubled spirit and lifted up my heart to Them. I said that They could take care of my heart much more better that I could what with my faulted judgment and human error. And you know what? I think they they're helping me right now. And I'm thankful for the blessing.
Finally, I am trusting is Something, Someone that I cannot see. And it feels wonderful.
Happy Valentines today. Share the love.
I talked to D a couple of days ago. Maybe it was even a week ago and he did say that he would come over here and when I told him that I hoped he'd be here for V-day, he said that Mumu can be my date instead while he isn't around. Very funny. Mumu HAS been my date for the past couple of years.
It's different having peace of mind and trusting in the future. I've never felt this positive in a long time even if I don't have anything tangible that's different from my situation before. My bills still need to get paid. I'm in a much deeper debt hole than ever. I don't have a regular job but make enough to pay the bills. My family problems are still as loathesome as ever. I'm fatter than I ever was before. I don't have any men I go out here with in my country. Although I have friends, they're too busy to hang out with me. I'm uncertain what will happen to my relationship with T or D and yet...I am not worried. In fact, I feel blessed despite all this.
I remember one time when I felt really down and I was looking up at the night sky while I was on the porch. I was crying my eyes out and I asked God to help me with this burden. I asked Mother Mary to soothe my troubled spirit and lifted up my heart to Them. I said that They could take care of my heart much more better that I could what with my faulted judgment and human error. And you know what? I think they they're helping me right now. And I'm thankful for the blessing.
Finally, I am trusting is Something, Someone that I cannot see. And it feels wonderful.
Happy Valentines today. Share the love.
Wednesday, February 07, 2007
The Sins of the Father
I don't know what to do about my dad anymore. He tried to talk to me early this morning (presumably to borrow money)-- but he didn't get to that part. I really didn't even want to talk to him but because I felt I was being unreasonable, I called back and the first thing he puts on the table is to ask me if I was willing to help. And when I said, "How?" he took that as a slight because in his mind, I should have said "yes" right away, no questions asked.
Is he insane? Is he kidding me? The bottomline is that you don't ask that kind of question to somebody who doesn't trust you. And I don't. I don't trust him at all. I haven't done so in the past five years or so ever since he tried to evict me. There's too much bad blood between us to leave a good taste in the mouth.
He is just so unbelievably oppressive and the most narrow minded person on earth I know. And, yes, I am angry at him. Raving mad, actually. I'm mad because he has been so selfish. I'm mad because he doesn't think about our family even if he continually boasts to others about being a family man. I' m mad because all these words are lies because he ceases to back them up with solid action. I'm mad because for the past seven years, he has neglected to put in place mechanisms that would ensure that my sisters would have tuition, there'd be food on the table, money to pay the bills and that my mom would not need to worry and think about these things. I'm mad because he pushes away the people that can help him the most because he's being over sensitive. I'm mad because even my brother cannot look up to him right now as being his role model. I'm mad because he has the temerity to even consider running for politics (and he did say he would run) when he doesn't even have the money to put food on the table. I'm mad because he burdens my sisters with the problems that he should have been taking care of instead of letting them focus on their studies. I'm mad because he feels that he can withdraw on the goodwill of others when he hasn't made any deposits. I'm mad because this state was foreseeable and could have been prevented but he did not do anything to prevent it.
I am just so mad at him. The world doesn't owe him anything, you know. He should know that. And right now, I just don't love him at all. Heck, I don't even like him at all.
I have already relegated this relationship as a lost cause. It's just so heavy. Maybe one day I will be able to talk to him but right now, I really am indifferent if only because I'm focused on my survival and that of my sisters. Right now, it's best to just peaceably co-exist. Communication is futile anyway with someone who does not seek to understand where the other is coming from. I am willing to talk and process these feelings but NOT without a third party such as a mediator or a counselor. No way. Nothing would happen if we just went at it on our own.
It's just so heavy. Everytime I move a little bit forward, he comes back in and drags me down. I don't want that in my life.
Is he insane? Is he kidding me? The bottomline is that you don't ask that kind of question to somebody who doesn't trust you. And I don't. I don't trust him at all. I haven't done so in the past five years or so ever since he tried to evict me. There's too much bad blood between us to leave a good taste in the mouth.
He is just so unbelievably oppressive and the most narrow minded person on earth I know. And, yes, I am angry at him. Raving mad, actually. I'm mad because he has been so selfish. I'm mad because he doesn't think about our family even if he continually boasts to others about being a family man. I' m mad because all these words are lies because he ceases to back them up with solid action. I'm mad because for the past seven years, he has neglected to put in place mechanisms that would ensure that my sisters would have tuition, there'd be food on the table, money to pay the bills and that my mom would not need to worry and think about these things. I'm mad because he pushes away the people that can help him the most because he's being over sensitive. I'm mad because even my brother cannot look up to him right now as being his role model. I'm mad because he has the temerity to even consider running for politics (and he did say he would run) when he doesn't even have the money to put food on the table. I'm mad because he burdens my sisters with the problems that he should have been taking care of instead of letting them focus on their studies. I'm mad because he feels that he can withdraw on the goodwill of others when he hasn't made any deposits. I'm mad because this state was foreseeable and could have been prevented but he did not do anything to prevent it.
I am just so mad at him. The world doesn't owe him anything, you know. He should know that. And right now, I just don't love him at all. Heck, I don't even like him at all.
I have already relegated this relationship as a lost cause. It's just so heavy. Maybe one day I will be able to talk to him but right now, I really am indifferent if only because I'm focused on my survival and that of my sisters. Right now, it's best to just peaceably co-exist. Communication is futile anyway with someone who does not seek to understand where the other is coming from. I am willing to talk and process these feelings but NOT without a third party such as a mediator or a counselor. No way. Nothing would happen if we just went at it on our own.
It's just so heavy. Everytime I move a little bit forward, he comes back in and drags me down. I don't want that in my life.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
