Tricky logistical problem in our pending threesome with FB's best friend. Since FB and I are sexually monogamous, we don't use protection. However, FB's BFF (this does get confusing, haha) will definitely have to use protection during our menage a trois if only because if ever a complication arises, I would like to be certain of paternity. And, of course, I'd rather have FB's "good looking genes". Yes, we have to constantly strive to improve the species.
Frankly, I don't know what FB thought about all that. Tangentially, I might as well have told him that he looks gorgeous. Not sure if he knew that before but that's okay. So with that as a starting point, we managed to steer the conversation to babies and what ifs.
I asked him if he would like to know if ever I got pregnant by him and he said that he didn't want to know. Of course, I called him a jerk. Then I also said that how sure was he that I was going to tell him anyway? I told him why should I let him know when he didn't care for the kid anyway? And he said, "of course not". See? That's the other strange thing with this guy that I've noticed. He never wants to find him having his back up against the wall. He won't say that it's a definitive no even if that's what it really is. He just likes having his options open.
The only reason I'm tolerant of that is that I'm the same way so I guess, I understand. I drive people crazy sometimes not having anything definite in mind and waiting until the last minute to make a decision but yes, I do like having the option for as long as I like.
Anyway, he said that he was dating someone before who asked him to knock her up but he refused her flat out. I don't know why the guy is so hesitant in bringing another person into this world when it seems that he would make a good dad. I told him that. He said that I hadn't seen him with any children yet so how could I know? I told him that I didn't need to see him with kids to know he'd be good with them. It's a matter of character and well, if he can handle me, then he can handle any two year old. Boy, did he laugh at that.
Then, he asked me if I wanted him to shoot it deep during the middle of my cycle, my non-safe zone. Seriously, I don't know what this guy wants. He tells me that he doesn't want to be a dad and all that, doesn't want to be responsible and accountable for whatever life we bring into this world and then he suggests risky baby making sex. WTF?
Wednesday, November 29, 2006
Friday, November 17, 2006
Enjoy the Ride
FB says that I think too much and should turn my brain off. He's probably right EXCEPT that when my brain perceives red flags throughout the course and is telling me that even by FB standards this guy is a jerk, turning my brain off would make me the fool who got taken in by the jerk. Not good. Not good at all.
Relax and enjoy the ride, he says. I'm too much of a control freak. Hmmm. I probably am but given our situation with the hotwifing thing minus the benefits, I think it would be wise to look over my shoulder from time to time especially since I know he hasn't got my back.
Seriously, I should fire him from being my lover. He is a good fuck but a definitely lousy lover. Plus, he doesn't know the first thing about how to treat women. So here I am dating a rake and a cad and I'm still here. Why?
First of all, I called him forth. I did want an "in the meantime guy" to relieve me of boredom while waiting for Mr. Right. So here he is with all his faults and annoying habits that I should be thankful for in the long run. You must think I'm crazy that I should be thankful for it but here's my twisted logic -- without them, I'd probably be distracted as hell so with this set up, I'm able to keep my eye on the ball.
Secondly, I'm going home anyway.
Thirdly, he looks darned good. I swear.
Fourth, I can talk to the jerk and tell him that he is one. Like tonight, we had a bull session of sorts. I'm even surprised that he was willing to forego our fuck session and just spend the time talking about all my issues. Of course, we still ended up fucking but at least we got it all out. I told him he was a selfish, inconsiderate jerk who had no feelings whatsoever. He seemed to take that well. He asked me why I was still going out with him and I gave him all the reasons written here but kept the "he looks darned good" part to myself. No sense in giving him the upper hand, haha.
I told him that I didn't want to be his girlfriend and that I wouldn't make him my boyfriend either. Oddly enough, this whole mudslinging -- well, not really because it was kinda sweet when we were talking about. Not hostile at all. He was lying on the bed, my head was on his chest and my arms draped around him and I think I managed to pull off telling him that he was a good fuck and a lousy lover lovingly. (yes, I am strange and I am certain he will never meet anyone like me in his lifetime). He was telling me that there were other girls that he could fuck but he still kept coming back to me. (yes, I believed that. because he is hot and is so darned good looking).
But I digress. As I was saying, this whole mudslinging thing had the effect of making our fuck session afterward one of the sweetest, most honest and tender ones we've had yet. Even his kisses were different. He didn't even pummel me as usual but gave it to me slow, deep, thoughtful and, yes, tender. I didn't understand it but I embraced it just the same. (Waitaminit --- or maybe he was just like that because he was tired from the gym, hmmm).
He was also sweet during the drive home. He kept looking at me and he even turned the light in the car on once so he could get a better glimpse of me. Then he kept on rubbing my nose and talked in the sort of baby-talk gibberish that I'm getting to be accustomed to. We won't be seeing each other for a week because his folks are flying in for Thanksgiving and that's a pisser. I do have permission to play though and get acquainted with other cocks, haha.
Goodbyes in the car were sweet. Then, just as I was getting out of the car while whining at the same time that we wouldn't be able to see each other for a long time, he said "unless you want to meet my parents at thanksgiving...". That caught me totally off guard. I stopped dead in my tracks wondering how serious he was and I must have had a shocked look on my face (trust me, I did, I'm rather transparent) because there was a few seconds of silence there while he took in my expression before he retracted and said, "naaah... blah blah blah" (it was just the nah that registered, I can't remember what he said after that).
Then I got it. It just clicked in my brain. This guy is afraid of rejection. That's why he's as skittish as I am since I'm harboring the same fear. He doesn't want to pursue unless he's sure that the target is willing and still.
Still and all, I am revelling in that almost freudian slip of his. Why? Because it was such an unnecessary question. I wasn't angling to be invited. I didn't drop hints. Nada. Nothing. We weren't engaged in witty repartee that would have led up to that retort as a comeback. So it was something that entered his mind and I am happy with that for now. And with the speed that he left, I think he even freaked himself out. Ha ha.
I end this blog with this thought: even if we aren't crazy about each other, we're surely driving each other crazy.
Relax and enjoy the ride, he says. I'm too much of a control freak. Hmmm. I probably am but given our situation with the hotwifing thing minus the benefits, I think it would be wise to look over my shoulder from time to time especially since I know he hasn't got my back.
Seriously, I should fire him from being my lover. He is a good fuck but a definitely lousy lover. Plus, he doesn't know the first thing about how to treat women. So here I am dating a rake and a cad and I'm still here. Why?
First of all, I called him forth. I did want an "in the meantime guy" to relieve me of boredom while waiting for Mr. Right. So here he is with all his faults and annoying habits that I should be thankful for in the long run. You must think I'm crazy that I should be thankful for it but here's my twisted logic -- without them, I'd probably be distracted as hell so with this set up, I'm able to keep my eye on the ball.
Secondly, I'm going home anyway.
Thirdly, he looks darned good. I swear.
Fourth, I can talk to the jerk and tell him that he is one. Like tonight, we had a bull session of sorts. I'm even surprised that he was willing to forego our fuck session and just spend the time talking about all my issues. Of course, we still ended up fucking but at least we got it all out. I told him he was a selfish, inconsiderate jerk who had no feelings whatsoever. He seemed to take that well. He asked me why I was still going out with him and I gave him all the reasons written here but kept the "he looks darned good" part to myself. No sense in giving him the upper hand, haha.
I told him that I didn't want to be his girlfriend and that I wouldn't make him my boyfriend either. Oddly enough, this whole mudslinging -- well, not really because it was kinda sweet when we were talking about. Not hostile at all. He was lying on the bed, my head was on his chest and my arms draped around him and I think I managed to pull off telling him that he was a good fuck and a lousy lover lovingly. (yes, I am strange and I am certain he will never meet anyone like me in his lifetime). He was telling me that there were other girls that he could fuck but he still kept coming back to me. (yes, I believed that. because he is hot and is so darned good looking).
But I digress. As I was saying, this whole mudslinging thing had the effect of making our fuck session afterward one of the sweetest, most honest and tender ones we've had yet. Even his kisses were different. He didn't even pummel me as usual but gave it to me slow, deep, thoughtful and, yes, tender. I didn't understand it but I embraced it just the same. (Waitaminit --- or maybe he was just like that because he was tired from the gym, hmmm).
He was also sweet during the drive home. He kept looking at me and he even turned the light in the car on once so he could get a better glimpse of me. Then he kept on rubbing my nose and talked in the sort of baby-talk gibberish that I'm getting to be accustomed to. We won't be seeing each other for a week because his folks are flying in for Thanksgiving and that's a pisser. I do have permission to play though and get acquainted with other cocks, haha.
Goodbyes in the car were sweet. Then, just as I was getting out of the car while whining at the same time that we wouldn't be able to see each other for a long time, he said "unless you want to meet my parents at thanksgiving...". That caught me totally off guard. I stopped dead in my tracks wondering how serious he was and I must have had a shocked look on my face (trust me, I did, I'm rather transparent) because there was a few seconds of silence there while he took in my expression before he retracted and said, "naaah... blah blah blah" (it was just the nah that registered, I can't remember what he said after that).
Then I got it. It just clicked in my brain. This guy is afraid of rejection. That's why he's as skittish as I am since I'm harboring the same fear. He doesn't want to pursue unless he's sure that the target is willing and still.
Still and all, I am revelling in that almost freudian slip of his. Why? Because it was such an unnecessary question. I wasn't angling to be invited. I didn't drop hints. Nada. Nothing. We weren't engaged in witty repartee that would have led up to that retort as a comeback. So it was something that entered his mind and I am happy with that for now. And with the speed that he left, I think he even freaked himself out. Ha ha.
I end this blog with this thought: even if we aren't crazy about each other, we're surely driving each other crazy.
Dear Mr. Fuck Buddy
Here's something I posted in the Rants and Raves section about FB. I got a good deal of responses out of it most of them from men who would kill to be my FB instead. Nice to know that I'm not just making "drama" and that I've got a legitimate cause of action:
Dear Mr. Fuck Buddy,
Today I find myself wandering the cyberhalls of the ranters and ravers because you blew me off AGAIN and I have just about had it with you. Just because we have this kind of arrangement, that's still NO EXCUSE for you to treat me like crap. Pick up the damned phone and call me if you can't make it to our fuck appointment.
I have been as "naughty and nice" as you've wanted me to be but our strange arrangement doesn't permit me to complain (I should seriously rethink that) so I find myself here listing the things that, should they not be resolved soon, will seriously tempt me to bite off your penis instead of sucking on it, to wit:
1. When you pound and hammer me like a porn king and I end up screaming and moaning, when the session is over, at the very least, offer a glass of water. I'm not even expecting you to open a bottle of wine. Water is cheap. As it turns out, so are you.
2. I do not appreciate it when we flirt online, get ourselves hot and heavy, make a fuck appointment to relieve the tension and then you actually don't show up. I'm a woman. Like other women, I'm like an iron that needs to get heated up. When you get me heated up and then there's no follow through that just gives me the female equivalent of blue balls. If you didn't notice, this behavior does not make me hot for you. Au contraire, it makes me want to strangle you and hope that your dongle falls off one of these days.
3. Porn is for guys. Erotica is for girls. - Much as I oblige you in your porn fantasies, I would like some reciprocity in turn and hope that you indulge mine. Tit for tat. When I say that I like sucking your cock, I mean that I like it because it brings pleasure to you and I like to please my lovers. That is not the same thing as saying that I've been pleasured myself. I suck your cock for over an hour because it takes you so darned long to cum; I swallow your jizz and don't spill a single drop, is it that difficult for you to return the favor and suck my clit or even just rub it till I cum from time to time? My squirting prowess is lost on you too and so I just have to say it, YOU ARE A VERY SELFISH LOVER.
4. Why do you keep saying we're dating when we're not? You haven't even fed me yet. Protein shakes don't count.
5. Just pounding it in me will not make me cum no matter how well endowed you are or how enthusiastic you are in your pounding if you do not stimulate the rest of me, my brain especially. I am a creature of seduction. 6. Let me catch my breath after we've had a fuck session before scuttling me out the door. At the very least, tell me in advance what time we've got to wrap it up. I'm sucking your cock for FREE. Don't treat me like a hooker.
Frankly, I don't think this is working out for me anymore. No, I am not breaking up with you on CL, I'm still just thinking about it. I'm not sure if I'm done exploring my sexuality with you and I just might be curious enough to find out how submissive and meek I actually can be. But let me tell you that as sure as a tiger can't change his stripes, this Type A personality cannot stand by the sidelines and watch such ineptitude and incompetence in her lover.
And no, I cannot tell you this straight out because it would just irreparably crush your fragile ego which may lead to your schlong going on strike -- something definitely contrary to my interests. Besides, I'm leaving soon so in the interest of time, I will probably just grin and bear it. So there. If you're still up for it, I am too but remember the wisdom of the ages: Be careful of pissing off the many toothed woman in whose mouth your cock rests.
-- Your very disgruntled lover
Dear Mr. Fuck Buddy,
Today I find myself wandering the cyberhalls of the ranters and ravers because you blew me off AGAIN and I have just about had it with you. Just because we have this kind of arrangement, that's still NO EXCUSE for you to treat me like crap. Pick up the damned phone and call me if you can't make it to our fuck appointment.
I have been as "naughty and nice" as you've wanted me to be but our strange arrangement doesn't permit me to complain (I should seriously rethink that) so I find myself here listing the things that, should they not be resolved soon, will seriously tempt me to bite off your penis instead of sucking on it, to wit:
1. When you pound and hammer me like a porn king and I end up screaming and moaning, when the session is over, at the very least, offer a glass of water. I'm not even expecting you to open a bottle of wine. Water is cheap. As it turns out, so are you.
2. I do not appreciate it when we flirt online, get ourselves hot and heavy, make a fuck appointment to relieve the tension and then you actually don't show up. I'm a woman. Like other women, I'm like an iron that needs to get heated up. When you get me heated up and then there's no follow through that just gives me the female equivalent of blue balls. If you didn't notice, this behavior does not make me hot for you. Au contraire, it makes me want to strangle you and hope that your dongle falls off one of these days.
3. Porn is for guys. Erotica is for girls. - Much as I oblige you in your porn fantasies, I would like some reciprocity in turn and hope that you indulge mine. Tit for tat. When I say that I like sucking your cock, I mean that I like it because it brings pleasure to you and I like to please my lovers. That is not the same thing as saying that I've been pleasured myself. I suck your cock for over an hour because it takes you so darned long to cum; I swallow your jizz and don't spill a single drop, is it that difficult for you to return the favor and suck my clit or even just rub it till I cum from time to time? My squirting prowess is lost on you too and so I just have to say it, YOU ARE A VERY SELFISH LOVER.
4. Why do you keep saying we're dating when we're not? You haven't even fed me yet. Protein shakes don't count.
5. Just pounding it in me will not make me cum no matter how well endowed you are or how enthusiastic you are in your pounding if you do not stimulate the rest of me, my brain especially. I am a creature of seduction. 6. Let me catch my breath after we've had a fuck session before scuttling me out the door. At the very least, tell me in advance what time we've got to wrap it up. I'm sucking your cock for FREE. Don't treat me like a hooker.
Frankly, I don't think this is working out for me anymore. No, I am not breaking up with you on CL, I'm still just thinking about it. I'm not sure if I'm done exploring my sexuality with you and I just might be curious enough to find out how submissive and meek I actually can be. But let me tell you that as sure as a tiger can't change his stripes, this Type A personality cannot stand by the sidelines and watch such ineptitude and incompetence in her lover.
And no, I cannot tell you this straight out because it would just irreparably crush your fragile ego which may lead to your schlong going on strike -- something definitely contrary to my interests. Besides, I'm leaving soon so in the interest of time, I will probably just grin and bear it. So there. If you're still up for it, I am too but remember the wisdom of the ages: Be careful of pissing off the many toothed woman in whose mouth your cock rests.
-- Your very disgruntled lover
Monday, November 13, 2006
Candidate #2
Candidate #2 was a disappointment and not. He was gorgeous and we did have a hot time in the car where he pinched my nipples, massaged my clit through my jeans and made me cum several times over that by the time that we got to Wal-mart to get some condoms, my jeans were soaked.
He was raving about how I was about to get a night that I wouldn't forget. He said that he was big and was wondering if I could take all of him in. Of course, this was getting me nervouse. "What did I get myself into?" kept running over and over in my head like a bad refrain. The large magnum trojans that we purchased in Wal-mart didn't help ease my anxiety either.
We went to this house and no lights came on. The helped the erotic mood - darkness, strange place, stranger, heavy carpet and the shag rug on which he lay me down so that he could do wonderful things to me. Oh the foreplay was great all right and as instructed by FB, I gave him a standing blowjob. He went crazy. His legs were shaking and since he wasn't as big as FB (yes, truth in advertising should be a stape in encounters like these), I could deep throat him. I swallowed, as usual.
On a sidenote - i think I swallow only because I don't know what else to do with their sperm. Ha ha. I don't want him spurting it on me so I'd rathe r swallow. Anyway...we fooled around again and he made cum several times. The thing is, when my clit is overstimulated, I don't know how to cum some more anymore. They keep on telling me to give it to them but I don't know how, to tell you the truth.
While he was putting the condom on, I decided to take him in my mouth again. Bad move. The guy came again and after that he was DONE. Talk about having blue balls.
After he milked the cow for free (but hey, I was doing the milking), he admitted that he was still married and that their marriage was on the rocks. I asked why and do you know what the guy said? It was because his wife wouldn't give him a blowjob and he was just so frustrated already. My goodness, if a marriage can be saved by a blowjob, then by all means get to work on that cock! That guy was just lucky that he got me. He said that I gave an awesome bj and kept raving about my prowess. Not only that, he also got a marriage counselor with the package.
FB was pleased when I told him all about it. To tell you the truth, I don't understand our relationship. All I know is that we're dating because that's what he said we were.
He was raving about how I was about to get a night that I wouldn't forget. He said that he was big and was wondering if I could take all of him in. Of course, this was getting me nervouse. "What did I get myself into?" kept running over and over in my head like a bad refrain. The large magnum trojans that we purchased in Wal-mart didn't help ease my anxiety either.
We went to this house and no lights came on. The helped the erotic mood - darkness, strange place, stranger, heavy carpet and the shag rug on which he lay me down so that he could do wonderful things to me. Oh the foreplay was great all right and as instructed by FB, I gave him a standing blowjob. He went crazy. His legs were shaking and since he wasn't as big as FB (yes, truth in advertising should be a stape in encounters like these), I could deep throat him. I swallowed, as usual.
On a sidenote - i think I swallow only because I don't know what else to do with their sperm. Ha ha. I don't want him spurting it on me so I'd rathe r swallow. Anyway...we fooled around again and he made cum several times. The thing is, when my clit is overstimulated, I don't know how to cum some more anymore. They keep on telling me to give it to them but I don't know how, to tell you the truth.
While he was putting the condom on, I decided to take him in my mouth again. Bad move. The guy came again and after that he was DONE. Talk about having blue balls.
After he milked the cow for free (but hey, I was doing the milking), he admitted that he was still married and that their marriage was on the rocks. I asked why and do you know what the guy said? It was because his wife wouldn't give him a blowjob and he was just so frustrated already. My goodness, if a marriage can be saved by a blowjob, then by all means get to work on that cock! That guy was just lucky that he got me. He said that I gave an awesome bj and kept raving about my prowess. Not only that, he also got a marriage counselor with the package.
FB was pleased when I told him all about it. To tell you the truth, I don't understand our relationship. All I know is that we're dating because that's what he said we were.
Thursday, November 09, 2006
Back to Home Base
After that primal encounter with E, I felt the need to touch base with FB who is my co-conspirator in all this. It was part of our deal, anyway. He'd be my anchor while I go out exploring. At first, the concept of sharing me didn't sit too well with me then he explained that he liked sharing my pussy with other men because they'd want me but can't have me. So I suppose it's the possessiveness thing too with a little twist on the side. He needs to let them taste me so that when I'm gone, they'll actually know what they're missing and what HE has.
Okay, I kinda get that.
What I didn't expect tonight was ... a haircut. Ha ha. He looked absolutely gorgeous and now I can't believe I am crushing on FB. Not good. Not good at all.
Our session was better because of my little extra-curricular activity, I think. For some reason, I felt more connected to him and he mellowed down on his usual porn-king stance. For the first time in about the two months I've been seeing him, I felt like he was my lover instead of the faceless, generic porn fuck king. We kissed a lot and even when he took me home, we did a bit of kissing before I got down the car.
That crushing thing makes this a bit complicated. For one, it makes me more attracted to him. That's not good. Not especially considering his views about sex. During the drive to his place, I was telling him that I didn't feel too good about this afternoon. I explained my conclusions in the blog before this one and the basic premise was that "sex is just sex". He said that I should stop thinking and enjoy the act for what it is. After getting the experience, I can just forget about it. He said that there were two aspects to this little experiment of ours - mental and physical. The mental part is the connection that the both of us have. What confuses me though is that I'm not sure if all that crap he spouted applies to him as well.
I have a feeling that it probably does. "Just have fun and when it's done, move on to the next adventure." Oh boy. Well, if he continues to look as good as he did tonight, I'm in trouble.
Okay, I kinda get that.
What I didn't expect tonight was ... a haircut. Ha ha. He looked absolutely gorgeous and now I can't believe I am crushing on FB. Not good. Not good at all.
Our session was better because of my little extra-curricular activity, I think. For some reason, I felt more connected to him and he mellowed down on his usual porn-king stance. For the first time in about the two months I've been seeing him, I felt like he was my lover instead of the faceless, generic porn fuck king. We kissed a lot and even when he took me home, we did a bit of kissing before I got down the car.
That crushing thing makes this a bit complicated. For one, it makes me more attracted to him. That's not good. Not especially considering his views about sex. During the drive to his place, I was telling him that I didn't feel too good about this afternoon. I explained my conclusions in the blog before this one and the basic premise was that "sex is just sex". He said that I should stop thinking and enjoy the act for what it is. After getting the experience, I can just forget about it. He said that there were two aspects to this little experiment of ours - mental and physical. The mental part is the connection that the both of us have. What confuses me though is that I'm not sure if all that crap he spouted applies to him as well.
I have a feeling that it probably does. "Just have fun and when it's done, move on to the next adventure." Oh boy. Well, if he continues to look as good as he did tonight, I'm in trouble.
Dangerous Liaisons
This little social sexual experiment that I have going with FB is not as amusing as I thought it would be. First off, he told me that I couldn't see E again. Well, he was okay with me hooking up with E one last time and then I couldn't see him again. I thoroughly enjoyed my time with E so this worked with me.
E is a big black guy with a hooked cock. His living situation is a bit compromised so we had to get a room in a Motel so we could fool around. He's a really nice guy but is not too well off. He's a fine man though and has been treating me well.
I got eaten really good and the bed was soaked. He licked me in all the right places and that was fun. He found out I was a lot ticklish and I loved it when he licked my ears, my nape, my back, that little spot near my hip close to my groin. It was a primal fuck. Lots of growling, biting and screaming (on my part). He even carried me so that my legs were wrapped around his waist. Until today, I thought that would be a physical impossibility, haha.
There were times when I couldn't take it anymore but he locked his head in between my legs and held my hands down so I couldn't push him away. When it was time for him to penetrate me, he teased by getting his cock in me inch by inch. His cock was really big and thick. Consider the fact that I'm naturally tight and you can imagine how that felt. Then when I was close, he pulled out and I had to beg him to get back inside me again. He told me he wouldn't until I behaved. Finally, he gave in and that was that. He wanted me to cum without holding anything back. He thought I did. He said, "now, that's what I was looking for."
Well, I faked it. I don't know what's wrong with me but I can't seem to connect with anyone at all. I know I cum with my vibe. There are times when I cum with FB but I think that was only one time. I just can't seem to cum while doing the deed. Will it be different if I were doing it with someone I had feelings for which were reciprocated? God, I hope so.
My conclusions:
E is a big black guy with a hooked cock. His living situation is a bit compromised so we had to get a room in a Motel so we could fool around. He's a really nice guy but is not too well off. He's a fine man though and has been treating me well.
I got eaten really good and the bed was soaked. He licked me in all the right places and that was fun. He found out I was a lot ticklish and I loved it when he licked my ears, my nape, my back, that little spot near my hip close to my groin. It was a primal fuck. Lots of growling, biting and screaming (on my part). He even carried me so that my legs were wrapped around his waist. Until today, I thought that would be a physical impossibility, haha.
There were times when I couldn't take it anymore but he locked his head in between my legs and held my hands down so I couldn't push him away. When it was time for him to penetrate me, he teased by getting his cock in me inch by inch. His cock was really big and thick. Consider the fact that I'm naturally tight and you can imagine how that felt. Then when I was close, he pulled out and I had to beg him to get back inside me again. He told me he wouldn't until I behaved. Finally, he gave in and that was that. He wanted me to cum without holding anything back. He thought I did. He said, "now, that's what I was looking for."
Well, I faked it. I don't know what's wrong with me but I can't seem to connect with anyone at all. I know I cum with my vibe. There are times when I cum with FB but I think that was only one time. I just can't seem to cum while doing the deed. Will it be different if I were doing it with someone I had feelings for which were reciprocated? God, I hope so.
My conclusions:
- Sex is just sex. I could continue doing this to satisfy my needs but then again, my vibrator would do the trick just as well.
- I am a squirter. Definitely. Lots of it too. I found out from E that not all women squirt even if their pussy gets eaten the same way.
- Cumming too much gives me a headache.
- I am a cold, unfeeling bitch.
- Men have much more fragile hearts than women (i got this from wholesome conversation with E).
- I don't like sneaking off to have sex in motels. It makes me feel cheap.
Let me end with this refrain again: Sex is just sex. I don't know why people all over the world are obsessed with it and I wonder even more how those people can sustain that obsession. I think it's because I'm more cerebral than most. Cerebral and disconnected. That's why I got into this social experiment in the first place. I knew I needed to connect. I didn't know how. I thought sharing myself intimately with others would help me with it or at least jumpstart it. That's not working. I guess I need someone who cares enough for me to shake me awake. Maybe then I'll believe him.
FB said that he's my partner in the here and now. He seems constantly on the lookout for my next serious relationship to the point that it is starting to get offensive. Why is he in such a hurry to pack me off? Then there are also a lot of friends who caution me not to fall for the guy. Even FB cautions me that we wouldn't work out together. Well, okay then. I don't think that would be such a problem though since my main issue is intimacy. I just don't know how to give myself to someone else wholly, without holding back. Now, I don't know how to make that right.
Monday, November 06, 2006
Limbo Rock
Been thinking about last night. If I was looking for wild, intense, passionate sex, E is definitely my bet. He called me up twice today and I would be less than honest if I didn't say that getting a 44 year old guy scrambling over me didn't do it for me. It's doing wonders for my ego and my self-esteem.
I sent my status report to FB today. I have no idea how he'll react to it and I wish I could see his reaction when he reads it. I'm suspecting either one of two possible scenarios: either the whole thing would turn him on and he'll find it kinky that he shared me with someone else or he would act like any other guy who genuinely likes a girl and turn a bit green at the prospect of someone else invading his turf.
Either way will work fine for me. Of course, it would be better if FB was jealous but if he isn't and he allows me to continue seeing E, I'd have no complaints either. The guy can definitely make me cum.
Still and all, i'm on the edge of my seat waiting for FB's reaction.
I sent my status report to FB today. I have no idea how he'll react to it and I wish I could see his reaction when he reads it. I'm suspecting either one of two possible scenarios: either the whole thing would turn him on and he'll find it kinky that he shared me with someone else or he would act like any other guy who genuinely likes a girl and turn a bit green at the prospect of someone else invading his turf.
Either way will work fine for me. Of course, it would be better if FB was jealous but if he isn't and he allows me to continue seeing E, I'd have no complaints either. The guy can definitely make me cum.
Still and all, i'm on the edge of my seat waiting for FB's reaction.
Sunday, November 05, 2006
Triangulation
FB may have just opened Pandora's Box.
Tonight, I hooked up with E on FB's instruction. I was the screening committee for our prospective threesome. Of course, I was the one who picked out E in the first place. FB has the idea of "sharing" his girl with others and gets his kicks out of knowing that the other guy wants me bad but can never have me. Looks like he got his wish. Well, as far as the wanting me bad part is concerned. The "never can have me" part -- the jury is still out on that one.
I've put myself in a totally delectable situation though. I'd want to process it right now except that my brain is still mush from cumming too much and too hard. When he brought me home, my knees were like jello and I had to stay in the porch for a while to compose myself before coming in and donning the "wholesome" cloak. E knows about the existence of FB. He even knows that FB is the boss of me in our relationship. Still, he wants to up the ante and is ready to be competition. Hmmm.... good for me, bad for FB, eh?
The thing is, the both of them are complete opposites. It's like choosing between chocolate and vanilla when both of them put together would make a delicious parfait. Where FB is detached, E is all soul. What FB won't do sexually with me, E enjoys doing. Where FB is serious, E is silly and makes me laugh half the time. Where FB is devoid of affection and tenderness, E provides. Where FB is porno fuck, E is erotica. In essence, if I graft FB onto E, it would grow into a beautiful tree, ha ha.
Things I've never done before that I got to do tonight:
Tonight, I hooked up with E on FB's instruction. I was the screening committee for our prospective threesome. Of course, I was the one who picked out E in the first place. FB has the idea of "sharing" his girl with others and gets his kicks out of knowing that the other guy wants me bad but can never have me. Looks like he got his wish. Well, as far as the wanting me bad part is concerned. The "never can have me" part -- the jury is still out on that one.
I've put myself in a totally delectable situation though. I'd want to process it right now except that my brain is still mush from cumming too much and too hard. When he brought me home, my knees were like jello and I had to stay in the porch for a while to compose myself before coming in and donning the "wholesome" cloak. E knows about the existence of FB. He even knows that FB is the boss of me in our relationship. Still, he wants to up the ante and is ready to be competition. Hmmm.... good for me, bad for FB, eh?
The thing is, the both of them are complete opposites. It's like choosing between chocolate and vanilla when both of them put together would make a delicious parfait. Where FB is detached, E is all soul. What FB won't do sexually with me, E enjoys doing. Where FB is serious, E is silly and makes me laugh half the time. Where FB is devoid of affection and tenderness, E provides. Where FB is porno fuck, E is erotica. In essence, if I graft FB onto E, it would grow into a beautiful tree, ha ha.
Things I've never done before that I got to do tonight:
- orgasm more than six times in a restaurant while trying to keep myself from screaming out loud (yes, the girl in the booth next to us kept looking) and not because he was touching me either. This guy could make me cum by just looking at me. And let me tell you, it was wayyyyyy hot. He was holding my hand while I came and, once, when my whispered moans were threatening to titillate our booth neighbors, he pushed my drink towards me so that I could sip on the straw instead of screaming.
- fondle a man's cock under the table
- get a clit rubdown while trying to keep a straight face in the restaurant
- get licked, sucked, fucked in a car - I now know that it is entirely possible to fog up the windows so bad like that scene in Titanic
- go out with a black man (and get some black cock)
Here's the thing. I don't think FB knows how intimately familiar I am with two guys vying for my affection. I thrive off of it. I know how to play one off the other and the sight of two men fanning out their tail feathers in a mating display is primal. Now, I don't know how in the world that proposed threesome will come along given the cast of characters. I'm not even sure I can mix FB with E. They're both dominant men and I can't help but imagine that it might be like the way my two male dogs fight when there's a bitch in heat around.
I have yet to give FB a status report on my "mission". I need time to think about what will go in that report.
Friday, November 03, 2006
Dead Air
Developments on the fuck buddy front.
I think we're in a gray area again. On the one hand, he says that he's my man and I'm his girl and that's just confusing within the FB paradigm. Then again, despite the fact that I constantly remind him that I know what we have and will not step out of those bounds and that I am looking for an LTR elsewhere (meaning not him), he reminds me, quite unnecessarily of why the both of us "wouldn't work out".
I'm not sure why he keeps bringing that up or why he keeps that "list" anyway. I don't even know why we talk about it. The past few times we have, I wasn't the one who broached the subject.
Here's the thing though. We know we like each other. We both don't know if we like each other enough to do something more other than what we're doing right now. Sometimes when we talk, I wonder if we'll have anything else to talk about other than plotting our next sexcapade. Whenever we do veer off that topic, we get into the topic of relationships or where we are at the moment. I'm not sure if it's just filler for dead air or we're still exploring boundaries.
In one of our trysts, we ended up taking naps together. We were just supposed to rest but he fell asleep with his head on my lap and I ended up with my head on his back and my arm draped across it. I didn't intend to sleep so at first I was just stroking his hair and I really don't know how I ended up dozing beside him. That was nice though.
These days, I'm trying to see what can read in his eyes. There's a playfulness, sometimes lighthearted fondness and then he has this look that I absolutely adore - this half-sleepy, half-sated, wouldn't wanna be anywhere else look.
Part of why he thinks we wouldn't work out is because he claims I'm the type of girl who wouldn't appreciate a surprise trip. He said that he would often surprise the girls he seriously dates (some of them he lived in with) with trips to wherever. They wouldn't need to pack anything (he would pack for her) so he'd just pick her up and go. He says that if that probably happened with me, the first thing I would ask him would be "what did you pack?"
Umm, no. I'd ask him if he packed my blow dryer and brushes, haha. With my wardrobe, I'm pretty sure that he'd manage to throw in something matching in there. Then again, if we were *that* close, he'd have the common sense to throw in my "get go" back which would have anything cosmetically and hygenically essential for me. If he didn't, I would seriously rethink whether or not this guy really knows me and is considerate about my needs.
Anyway, I don't really know how to react whenever he mentions all these other girls that he's taken more seriously than me. I don't know whether to be offended, insulted or jealous that they're the recipient of more attention, effort, love and caring from him than I am at the moment. But I'm done with that. I'm done with comparing myself with other women and feeling bad or unworthy of someone else's affection. I simply refuse to compete because I am enough. If the guy in front of me doesn't realize that, that would be his loss.
I have been more docile that usual with him. I have not asked him for anything. I have not pushed for what I want in this so-called relationship. I have not asked for status. Heck, I have not even asked for lunch. I have been okay with what he's given me so far. I don't nag. I don't try to change him. I don't ask about his past. I'm a willing participant in the fulfillment of his porn fantasies. Hmmm... i don't know what else he could want from me.
I think we're in a gray area again. On the one hand, he says that he's my man and I'm his girl and that's just confusing within the FB paradigm. Then again, despite the fact that I constantly remind him that I know what we have and will not step out of those bounds and that I am looking for an LTR elsewhere (meaning not him), he reminds me, quite unnecessarily of why the both of us "wouldn't work out".
I'm not sure why he keeps bringing that up or why he keeps that "list" anyway. I don't even know why we talk about it. The past few times we have, I wasn't the one who broached the subject.
Here's the thing though. We know we like each other. We both don't know if we like each other enough to do something more other than what we're doing right now. Sometimes when we talk, I wonder if we'll have anything else to talk about other than plotting our next sexcapade. Whenever we do veer off that topic, we get into the topic of relationships or where we are at the moment. I'm not sure if it's just filler for dead air or we're still exploring boundaries.
In one of our trysts, we ended up taking naps together. We were just supposed to rest but he fell asleep with his head on my lap and I ended up with my head on his back and my arm draped across it. I didn't intend to sleep so at first I was just stroking his hair and I really don't know how I ended up dozing beside him. That was nice though.
These days, I'm trying to see what can read in his eyes. There's a playfulness, sometimes lighthearted fondness and then he has this look that I absolutely adore - this half-sleepy, half-sated, wouldn't wanna be anywhere else look.
Part of why he thinks we wouldn't work out is because he claims I'm the type of girl who wouldn't appreciate a surprise trip. He said that he would often surprise the girls he seriously dates (some of them he lived in with) with trips to wherever. They wouldn't need to pack anything (he would pack for her) so he'd just pick her up and go. He says that if that probably happened with me, the first thing I would ask him would be "what did you pack?"
Umm, no. I'd ask him if he packed my blow dryer and brushes, haha. With my wardrobe, I'm pretty sure that he'd manage to throw in something matching in there. Then again, if we were *that* close, he'd have the common sense to throw in my "get go" back which would have anything cosmetically and hygenically essential for me. If he didn't, I would seriously rethink whether or not this guy really knows me and is considerate about my needs.
Anyway, I don't really know how to react whenever he mentions all these other girls that he's taken more seriously than me. I don't know whether to be offended, insulted or jealous that they're the recipient of more attention, effort, love and caring from him than I am at the moment. But I'm done with that. I'm done with comparing myself with other women and feeling bad or unworthy of someone else's affection. I simply refuse to compete because I am enough. If the guy in front of me doesn't realize that, that would be his loss.
I have been more docile that usual with him. I have not asked him for anything. I have not pushed for what I want in this so-called relationship. I have not asked for status. Heck, I have not even asked for lunch. I have been okay with what he's given me so far. I don't nag. I don't try to change him. I don't ask about his past. I'm a willing participant in the fulfillment of his porn fantasies. Hmmm... i don't know what else he could want from me.
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