Dead Air

Developments on the fuck buddy front.

I think we're in a gray area again. On the one hand, he says that he's my man and I'm his girl and that's just confusing within the FB paradigm. Then again, despite the fact that I constantly remind him that I know what we have and will not step out of those bounds and that I am looking for an LTR elsewhere (meaning not him), he reminds me, quite unnecessarily of why the both of us "wouldn't work out".

I'm not sure why he keeps bringing that up or why he keeps that "list" anyway. I don't even know why we talk about it. The past few times we have, I wasn't the one who broached the subject.

Here's the thing though. We know we like each other. We both don't know if we like each other enough to do something more other than what we're doing right now. Sometimes when we talk, I wonder if we'll have anything else to talk about other than plotting our next sexcapade. Whenever we do veer off that topic, we get into the topic of relationships or where we are at the moment. I'm not sure if it's just filler for dead air or we're still exploring boundaries.

In one of our trysts, we ended up taking naps together. We were just supposed to rest but he fell asleep with his head on my lap and I ended up with my head on his back and my arm draped across it. I didn't intend to sleep so at first I was just stroking his hair and I really don't know how I ended up dozing beside him. That was nice though.

These days, I'm trying to see what can read in his eyes. There's a playfulness, sometimes lighthearted fondness and then he has this look that I absolutely adore - this half-sleepy, half-sated, wouldn't wanna be anywhere else look.

Part of why he thinks we wouldn't work out is because he claims I'm the type of girl who wouldn't appreciate a surprise trip. He said that he would often surprise the girls he seriously dates (some of them he lived in with) with trips to wherever. They wouldn't need to pack anything (he would pack for her) so he'd just pick her up and go. He says that if that probably happened with me, the first thing I would ask him would be "what did you pack?"

Umm, no. I'd ask him if he packed my blow dryer and brushes, haha. With my wardrobe, I'm pretty sure that he'd manage to throw in something matching in there. Then again, if we were *that* close, he'd have the common sense to throw in my "get go" back which would have anything cosmetically and hygenically essential for me. If he didn't, I would seriously rethink whether or not this guy really knows me and is considerate about my needs.

Anyway, I don't really know how to react whenever he mentions all these other girls that he's taken more seriously than me. I don't know whether to be offended, insulted or jealous that they're the recipient of more attention, effort, love and caring from him than I am at the moment. But I'm done with that. I'm done with comparing myself with other women and feeling bad or unworthy of someone else's affection. I simply refuse to compete because I am enough. If the guy in front of me doesn't realize that, that would be his loss.

I have been more docile that usual with him. I have not asked him for anything. I have not pushed for what I want in this so-called relationship. I have not asked for status. Heck, I have not even asked for lunch. I have been okay with what he's given me so far. I don't nag. I don't try to change him. I don't ask about his past. I'm a willing participant in the fulfillment of his porn fantasies. Hmmm... i don't know what else he could want from me.