Dear Mr. Fuck Buddy

Here's something I posted in the Rants and Raves section about FB. I got a good deal of responses out of it most of them from men who would kill to be my FB instead. Nice to know that I'm not just making "drama" and that I've got a legitimate cause of action:

Dear Mr. Fuck Buddy,

Today I find myself wandering the cyberhalls of the ranters and ravers because you blew me off AGAIN and I have just about had it with you. Just because we have this kind of arrangement, that's still NO EXCUSE for you to treat me like crap. Pick up the damned phone and call me if you can't make it to our fuck appointment.

I have been as "naughty and nice" as you've wanted me to be but our strange arrangement doesn't permit me to complain (I should seriously rethink that) so I find myself here listing the things that, should they not be resolved soon, will seriously tempt me to bite off your penis instead of sucking on it, to wit:

1. When you pound and hammer me like a porn king and I end up screaming and moaning, when the session is over, at the very least, offer a glass of water. I'm not even expecting you to open a bottle of wine. Water is cheap. As it turns out, so are you.

2. I do not appreciate it when we flirt online, get ourselves hot and heavy, make a fuck appointment to relieve the tension and then you actually don't show up. I'm a woman. Like other women, I'm like an iron that needs to get heated up. When you get me heated up and then there's no follow through that just gives me the female equivalent of blue balls. If you didn't notice, this behavior does not make me hot for you. Au contraire, it makes me want to strangle you and hope that your dongle falls off one of these days.

3. Porn is for guys. Erotica is for girls. - Much as I oblige you in your porn fantasies, I would like some reciprocity in turn and hope that you indulge mine. Tit for tat. When I say that I like sucking your cock, I mean that I like it because it brings pleasure to you and I like to please my lovers. That is not the same thing as saying that I've been pleasured myself. I suck your cock for over an hour because it takes you so darned long to cum; I swallow your jizz and don't spill a single drop, is it that difficult for you to return the favor and suck my clit or even just rub it till I cum from time to time? My squirting prowess is lost on you too and so I just have to say it, YOU ARE A VERY SELFISH LOVER.

4. Why do you keep saying we're dating when we're not? You haven't even fed me yet. Protein shakes don't count.

5. Just pounding it in me will not make me cum no matter how well endowed you are or how enthusiastic you are in your pounding if you do not stimulate the rest of me, my brain especially. I am a creature of seduction. 6. Let me catch my breath after we've had a fuck session before scuttling me out the door. At the very least, tell me in advance what time we've got to wrap it up. I'm sucking your cock for FREE. Don't treat me like a hooker.

Frankly, I don't think this is working out for me anymore. No, I am not breaking up with you on CL, I'm still just thinking about it. I'm not sure if I'm done exploring my sexuality with you and I just might be curious enough to find out how submissive and meek I actually can be. But let me tell you that as sure as a tiger can't change his stripes, this Type A personality cannot stand by the sidelines and watch such ineptitude and incompetence in her lover.

And no, I cannot tell you this straight out because it would just irreparably crush your fragile ego which may lead to your schlong going on strike -- something definitely contrary to my interests. Besides, I'm leaving soon so in the interest of time, I will probably just grin and bear it. So there. If you're still up for it, I am too but remember the wisdom of the ages: Be careful of pissing off the many toothed woman in whose mouth your cock rests.

-- Your very disgruntled lover