Enjoy the Ride

FB says that I think too much and should turn my brain off. He's probably right EXCEPT that when my brain perceives red flags throughout the course and is telling me that even by FB standards this guy is a jerk, turning my brain off would make me the fool who got taken in by the jerk. Not good. Not good at all.

Relax and enjoy the ride, he says. I'm too much of a control freak. Hmmm. I probably am but given our situation with the hotwifing thing minus the benefits, I think it would be wise to look over my shoulder from time to time especially since I know he hasn't got my back.

Seriously, I should fire him from being my lover. He is a good fuck but a definitely lousy lover. Plus, he doesn't know the first thing about how to treat women. So here I am dating a rake and a cad and I'm still here. Why?

First of all, I called him forth. I did want an "in the meantime guy" to relieve me of boredom while waiting for Mr. Right. So here he is with all his faults and annoying habits that I should be thankful for in the long run. You must think I'm crazy that I should be thankful for it but here's my twisted logic -- without them, I'd probably be distracted as hell so with this set up, I'm able to keep my eye on the ball.

Secondly, I'm going home anyway.

Thirdly, he looks darned good. I swear.

Fourth, I can talk to the jerk and tell him that he is one. Like tonight, we had a bull session of sorts. I'm even surprised that he was willing to forego our fuck session and just spend the time talking about all my issues. Of course, we still ended up fucking but at least we got it all out. I told him he was a selfish, inconsiderate jerk who had no feelings whatsoever. He seemed to take that well. He asked me why I was still going out with him and I gave him all the reasons written here but kept the "he looks darned good" part to myself. No sense in giving him the upper hand, haha.

I told him that I didn't want to be his girlfriend and that I wouldn't make him my boyfriend either. Oddly enough, this whole mudslinging -- well, not really because it was kinda sweet when we were talking about. Not hostile at all. He was lying on the bed, my head was on his chest and my arms draped around him and I think I managed to pull off telling him that he was a good fuck and a lousy lover lovingly. (yes, I am strange and I am certain he will never meet anyone like me in his lifetime). He was telling me that there were other girls that he could fuck but he still kept coming back to me. (yes, I believed that. because he is hot and is so darned good looking).

But I digress. As I was saying, this whole mudslinging thing had the effect of making our fuck session afterward one of the sweetest, most honest and tender ones we've had yet. Even his kisses were different. He didn't even pummel me as usual but gave it to me slow, deep, thoughtful and, yes, tender. I didn't understand it but I embraced it just the same. (Waitaminit --- or maybe he was just like that because he was tired from the gym, hmmm).

He was also sweet during the drive home. He kept looking at me and he even turned the light in the car on once so he could get a better glimpse of me. Then he kept on rubbing my nose and talked in the sort of baby-talk gibberish that I'm getting to be accustomed to. We won't be seeing each other for a week because his folks are flying in for Thanksgiving and that's a pisser. I do have permission to play though and get acquainted with other cocks, haha.

Goodbyes in the car were sweet. Then, just as I was getting out of the car while whining at the same time that we wouldn't be able to see each other for a long time, he said "unless you want to meet my parents at thanksgiving...". That caught me totally off guard. I stopped dead in my tracks wondering how serious he was and I must have had a shocked look on my face (trust me, I did, I'm rather transparent) because there was a few seconds of silence there while he took in my expression before he retracted and said, "naaah... blah blah blah" (it was just the nah that registered, I can't remember what he said after that).

Then I got it. It just clicked in my brain. This guy is afraid of rejection. That's why he's as skittish as I am since I'm harboring the same fear. He doesn't want to pursue unless he's sure that the target is willing and still.

Still and all, I am revelling in that almost freudian slip of his. Why? Because it was such an unnecessary question. I wasn't angling to be invited. I didn't drop hints. Nada. Nothing. We weren't engaged in witty repartee that would have led up to that retort as a comeback. So it was something that entered his mind and I am happy with that for now. And with the speed that he left, I think he even freaked himself out. Ha ha.

I end this blog with this thought: even if we aren't crazy about each other, we're surely driving each other crazy.