The Purposeless Driven Life

My birthday is coming up soon. I'll be turning 32 and these days, the thought of being 32 and not having a clear picture of the future before me is just plain scary. My brother who just graduated from high school, my sister who's taking the nursing boards, my other sister who just got into a coveted internship at a five star hotel and my other sister who is now basking in the joys of motherhood -- all of them know where they're headed. Me? I just don't.

Ask me and I will tell you that I have no answers. I've been trying to figure it out for the past year but nothing's come to me. If at all, there are those things that I suspect aren't meant for me. Why? I don't know.

Take love, for instance. I will tell you right now that I have never loved somebody who has loved me back. That pains me, you know. At this point, I am almost embarassed about it. I used to vent out and talk about this frustration of mine with my friends and my sister but when I see them happily interacting with their significant others, I'm just plain embarassed that those that I like can't find it in their hearts to like me back. I'm embarassed how much pain this causes me. So right now, this burden is mine and mine alone to carry.

I just feel so useless. Save for Moo, it sure doesn't seem like anybody needs me and I really don't know why I'm here. Someone please tell me.

This thing PK --well, jury finally has a verdict and I'm still his girl and he's still my "man". Yes, that's in quotes because I don't really know what we have. We call it a "dynamic" so I guess that means that it's not a relationship. I know he doesn't have feelings for me and I used to feel a whole for him but I guess I've learned to calibrate it somewhat just so that the scale isn't tipped too much in his favor. This is just another strain of the unrequited love virus. Except that this time around, I have no delusions at all that the guy somehow feels something for me. This is my lesson in letting someone else take the lead without the control freak in me freaking out too much. Why is he doing this when he can get any woman he wants? (Yes, he is gorgeous, easy to talk to, well hung, etc. etc.) It's probably a kindness on his part. And pathetic person that I am, I am actually grateful for the scraps he throws me. How's that for self esteem?

I know, I know. As far as self esteem goes, mine's pretty shot. Whether or not it's beyond redemption, I have no idea. The standard that the both of us use in our "dynamic" is whether or not it still works. If it works, we leave it at that. No talk about our feelings at all. Well, mine, at least. He doesn't have any. So I'm probably using him for target practice and he needs a reserve substitute in his harem. It's a dynamic based on mutual interests. How romantic, hah.

I've been waiting for D to come around for close to six months now. This lack of communication though is getting to be a turn off. We parted with so many things hanging in the air that are just there, hanging in the air. I can't even confront him with any of my concerns because we don't have a venue for it. If he's lost interest in me, I wish he would just tell me. I'm just waiting here. Hoping for the best. Getting ready for the worst.

Truthfully, I need to make my life elsewhere than here. New friends. New purpose. New faces. New surroundings. I need a fresh start. That's also why this impending birthday is giving me the jitters.

I do have a birthday wish. I would like to know what it feels like to have someone I love and am in love with love and be in love with me back. That is my earnest wish.

Right now, I hope my mood picks up in time for my birthday. I'm just an emotional wreck now. At this rate, I will be crying from sun up to sun down on my birthday. I don't want to do that.

The Jury Is Still Out

I sent that email about 8 hours ago and still no response from him. Needless to say, this is getting me all fidgety and nervous. Another one of those holes, I chose to dig deeper for myself.

And I barely got any sleep over it too. I know that I dreamt and some excerpt from my dream keep flitting back to my mind at one time or another but they were disjointed. All I remember is being at the Shangri-la waiting for someone to arrive while chit chatting with some friends.

I'm pretty darned sure that his awkward and well, embarassing behavior of mine falls under the box labelled "compulsions". It's powered by the same driving force that gets me to play minesweeper, insaniquarium for hours, marathon research sessions, my stint in Y!Answers. It's the carrot on the stick that makes me want to chase it forever. If I were a gerbil and they hung a pellet on the gerbil treadmill, i'd be on it for hours until i was so thin my skin hung off my bones.

Right now, I want to redirect that energy into my fitness program but i'm still not well. I've been bleeding for half a month now and I'm afraid that I'll bleed more if I attempt moving a lot. It sucks. Really.

Thar She Blows

Finally, I asked the question. I asked him if he still wanted me and now, all I have to do is wait for his reply if that's coming at all.

That I asked doesn't mean that my feelings for him have been revived. I'm on autopilot right now as far as my feelings concerned and when that mode's on, I'm on the I don't want you if you don't want me track. Only because I'm all too familiar with the sting of rejection. Sometimes I'm on the receiving end. Other times, I'm the one who dishes it out.

In the midst of all this confusion with PK, I've had a persistent suitor whom I've had to turn down yesterday. He was nice and the attention he gave me was flattering. I'm just wondering why I can't get to like someone who likes me back in turn. It's always star crossed, missing the mark, or some bizarre love triangle. And despite the attention, you're really nowhere near happy if the person who's giving the attention isn't someone who does make you feel happy. It's like eating food when you don't have the appetite for it.

I'm hoping for the best and bracing myself for the worst in terms of a response. My goal right now is to keep communication flowing. To let him know that I am still seated at the negotiating table. I am just hoping that he is also still there. I don't mind if he just wants to be friends minus our dynamic but I just need him to be around. I guess that's why I offered friendship in the first place.

I dunno. Let this simmer a bit. Oh boy.

Be Still, My Beating Heart

To tell you the truth, I don't know what's happened between me and PK. Like all of sudden, a great wave washed over us and we just stopped. I just stopped. I woke up one day and realized that he wasn't in my heart anymore. I wasn't in love with him anymore and my heart already had room for another.

I guess my survival instinct kicked in. Somewhere in my subconscious, I was afraid that if I kept harboring feelings for PK, D would never come. So at first, I picked a fight with him and thought he'd break up with me over it. That didn't work. Next, I tried broaching up the idea of him and me just being friends instead of having the "dynamic" (yep, we never called it a relationship) that we had. He ignored me when I brought it up. I called him long distance for his birthday but he didn't pick up. I haven't spoken to him since.

So I'm left wondering if he's just disappeared on me altogether. I'm not hurting right now. I kind of miss him but not the kind that wrenches my gut and leaves me in tears. In my mind, he's evolved into someone that's way past all this drama. Strange as it may seem, I feel motherly towards him. And if he wants to go off on his own for a while or forever, I have to let him and just pray that he's okay. If he shows up again, I know I will welcome him with open arms.

There are times when I wish that he'd just give me the boot so that I know where I stand definitively. But I'm also old enough to know that there are times and situations and relationships where you can't demand closure. They just fade away for different reasons. Do you really need to hear it when you already know?

Still, I wish we could get to talk one of these days.

You know what? I'm wondering what horrible thing I did in my past life to merit this barrenness in my love life. Did I break too many hearts that in this lifetime, mine gets to be broken every so often? Or did I finish up my quota on romance the last time that I don't get to have any this time? Was I a sexy bimbo who wished that someone would like me for more than just my body and wish that there were other things that I'd be good at other than sex? Did I use up my share of happiness then so that I had very little left in this lifetime? You know what? I probably did and I'm being punished this lifetime.

3o years and counting. Reclusion Perpetua. Life with the possibility of parole if I get enough good karma. What I don't get though is why all of the men who have broken my heart in this lifetime still have it good.

To tell you the truth, I'm a bit desolate. That's why I didn't really mind the thought of PK and I being just friends because I do need a friend right now. I don't want to dwell on the fact that he's really just not into me because that is such a sad sad thought.

I've been good for most of my life. Didn't take drugs. Didn't become an alcoholic. Got good grades. Held positions of responsibility. Didn't get myself pregnant. Kept my virginity until I was 31. What grave sin did I commit to be this unhappy in love?

Japanese Erotica

Just came back from my "semi-hot date" with an intended playmate. I told him that I couldn't meet up with him anymore because of certain developments and despite that, he insisted on taking me out for lunch.

Lunch was in a private function room at this really upscale Japanese restaurant. Everything he ordered was delicious and this is the part that I like about dating the most. If you're vague about what you like, they will go out of their way to give you what they think is up to your standards. So far, they think I have high standards, haha, which is probably true.

It was hard resisting him since from time to time, he couldn't help moving over to my side to kiss and grope. I knew I had to keep my resolve up but his hard cock was too tempting to resist so I gave him a blowjob right there and then which was, I admit, pretty hot, since a kimono-clad waitress could come in at any time and our "paper thin" doors could be opened to a whole host of other diners who would see the live show. Ha ha.

Of course, our meal was peppered with intelligent conversation as well as innuendoes. The thing is, I think I know why I met this guy. I explained to him my predicament about BF and PK and since he's a married man and all that, he was able to give me some perspective about "trade offs". He also showed me the light about how dull and lacking in substance PK really is. He was half wondering why I stuck it out with him and I realized my fascination for PK stems from novelty. I have never encountered a man so vacuous, so unambitious, so lacking in substance and so devoid of meaning as him. I mistake his simplicity for something akin to zen but that whole paradigm is fallacious in itself.

My attraction towards him stems from maternal instincts. Despite his seeming nonchalance and lack of feeling, I can intuit that it's just a front and he's just a little lost boy who has been hurt too much to put effort into caring for others. He is essentially weak in character and it's the bully in me that wants to get in his face. I loathe weakness in men and I want to toughen him up.

Sadness Reigns

I am unbelievably melancholic these days. Ever since my destiny adviser told me that I have to quit all my extra-curriculars if I want D to come, I have been sort of listless. I did just that, you know. I told everyone else that I couldn't see them anymore and I almost also told PK that. I had a problem with this Italian girl he was fucking since I thought he was getting into her but he promised that he'd be done with her after just one more fuck so that takes care of it.

I've made my choice. I choose D. That I have to clear my heart of PK first is what is making me sad. I know I have to do it. It's just something I'm not looking forward to doing especially since PK is one who keeps me company most of the time. It's like giving up my only active friend.

What makes this even more difficult and tedious is that I haven't heard from D for about two months now and I'm beginning to feel foolish.

So right now, I'm just stuck doing things I don't really want to do and the reasons that I'm doing that for remains vague and elusive. It's difficult and it's making me unbearably sad. Not frustrated. I'm way past that I think. Just really really sad. Even this campaign to nowhere is such a burden. I'm in prison for a month and a half.

Spaced Out

I'm lethargic today and I simply do not want to do anything. Abstaining on casual sex really put a damper on my mood. But I have to do it because all my extra curricular activities has been changing my destiny. To put it bluntly, his karma was protecting him from me because I've been getting so gung ho on PK that I had even plotted out how I was going to cheat on DD already once we were together.

I've taken the past couple of days to think about whether or not I can give up PK for real. I'm nearing that point. He's got two regular fucks now - an asian girl and an italian one. He's also on the hunt for black pussy. At least, he's following my instructions and not just fucking one girl. I don't think I can take that Italian girl. He said that she doesn't like swallowing but he's still seeing her. I just can't take this anymore. Thinking whether or not he likes them. Thinking whether or not he likes me enough already.

I did broach up the subject of going out with my FB for dinner and he forbade me from doing so. When I asked him why, he said, "would you like me to be doing that with my FBs?" and I said, "No, I wouldn't like that." and he said, "Then you already know the answer."

I'm not as torn between two lovers as I was a couple of days ago. I wish I could have both of them. Someone who'll love me and someone who'll fuck me senseless. Why can't I have both?