The Purposeless Driven Life

My birthday is coming up soon. I'll be turning 32 and these days, the thought of being 32 and not having a clear picture of the future before me is just plain scary. My brother who just graduated from high school, my sister who's taking the nursing boards, my other sister who just got into a coveted internship at a five star hotel and my other sister who is now basking in the joys of motherhood -- all of them know where they're headed. Me? I just don't.

Ask me and I will tell you that I have no answers. I've been trying to figure it out for the past year but nothing's come to me. If at all, there are those things that I suspect aren't meant for me. Why? I don't know.

Take love, for instance. I will tell you right now that I have never loved somebody who has loved me back. That pains me, you know. At this point, I am almost embarassed about it. I used to vent out and talk about this frustration of mine with my friends and my sister but when I see them happily interacting with their significant others, I'm just plain embarassed that those that I like can't find it in their hearts to like me back. I'm embarassed how much pain this causes me. So right now, this burden is mine and mine alone to carry.

I just feel so useless. Save for Moo, it sure doesn't seem like anybody needs me and I really don't know why I'm here. Someone please tell me.

This thing PK --well, jury finally has a verdict and I'm still his girl and he's still my "man". Yes, that's in quotes because I don't really know what we have. We call it a "dynamic" so I guess that means that it's not a relationship. I know he doesn't have feelings for me and I used to feel a whole for him but I guess I've learned to calibrate it somewhat just so that the scale isn't tipped too much in his favor. This is just another strain of the unrequited love virus. Except that this time around, I have no delusions at all that the guy somehow feels something for me. This is my lesson in letting someone else take the lead without the control freak in me freaking out too much. Why is he doing this when he can get any woman he wants? (Yes, he is gorgeous, easy to talk to, well hung, etc. etc.) It's probably a kindness on his part. And pathetic person that I am, I am actually grateful for the scraps he throws me. How's that for self esteem?

I know, I know. As far as self esteem goes, mine's pretty shot. Whether or not it's beyond redemption, I have no idea. The standard that the both of us use in our "dynamic" is whether or not it still works. If it works, we leave it at that. No talk about our feelings at all. Well, mine, at least. He doesn't have any. So I'm probably using him for target practice and he needs a reserve substitute in his harem. It's a dynamic based on mutual interests. How romantic, hah.

I've been waiting for D to come around for close to six months now. This lack of communication though is getting to be a turn off. We parted with so many things hanging in the air that are just there, hanging in the air. I can't even confront him with any of my concerns because we don't have a venue for it. If he's lost interest in me, I wish he would just tell me. I'm just waiting here. Hoping for the best. Getting ready for the worst.

Truthfully, I need to make my life elsewhere than here. New friends. New purpose. New faces. New surroundings. I need a fresh start. That's also why this impending birthday is giving me the jitters.

I do have a birthday wish. I would like to know what it feels like to have someone I love and am in love with love and be in love with me back. That is my earnest wish.

Right now, I hope my mood picks up in time for my birthday. I'm just an emotional wreck now. At this rate, I will be crying from sun up to sun down on my birthday. I don't want to do that.