Be Still, My Beating Heart

To tell you the truth, I don't know what's happened between me and PK. Like all of sudden, a great wave washed over us and we just stopped. I just stopped. I woke up one day and realized that he wasn't in my heart anymore. I wasn't in love with him anymore and my heart already had room for another.

I guess my survival instinct kicked in. Somewhere in my subconscious, I was afraid that if I kept harboring feelings for PK, D would never come. So at first, I picked a fight with him and thought he'd break up with me over it. That didn't work. Next, I tried broaching up the idea of him and me just being friends instead of having the "dynamic" (yep, we never called it a relationship) that we had. He ignored me when I brought it up. I called him long distance for his birthday but he didn't pick up. I haven't spoken to him since.

So I'm left wondering if he's just disappeared on me altogether. I'm not hurting right now. I kind of miss him but not the kind that wrenches my gut and leaves me in tears. In my mind, he's evolved into someone that's way past all this drama. Strange as it may seem, I feel motherly towards him. And if he wants to go off on his own for a while or forever, I have to let him and just pray that he's okay. If he shows up again, I know I will welcome him with open arms.

There are times when I wish that he'd just give me the boot so that I know where I stand definitively. But I'm also old enough to know that there are times and situations and relationships where you can't demand closure. They just fade away for different reasons. Do you really need to hear it when you already know?

Still, I wish we could get to talk one of these days.

You know what? I'm wondering what horrible thing I did in my past life to merit this barrenness in my love life. Did I break too many hearts that in this lifetime, mine gets to be broken every so often? Or did I finish up my quota on romance the last time that I don't get to have any this time? Was I a sexy bimbo who wished that someone would like me for more than just my body and wish that there were other things that I'd be good at other than sex? Did I use up my share of happiness then so that I had very little left in this lifetime? You know what? I probably did and I'm being punished this lifetime.

3o years and counting. Reclusion Perpetua. Life with the possibility of parole if I get enough good karma. What I don't get though is why all of the men who have broken my heart in this lifetime still have it good.

To tell you the truth, I'm a bit desolate. That's why I didn't really mind the thought of PK and I being just friends because I do need a friend right now. I don't want to dwell on the fact that he's really just not into me because that is such a sad sad thought.

I've been good for most of my life. Didn't take drugs. Didn't become an alcoholic. Got good grades. Held positions of responsibility. Didn't get myself pregnant. Kept my virginity until I was 31. What grave sin did I commit to be this unhappy in love?