We had a date set for tomorrow but all that sexy talk online got us so hot we decided to have a quickie today. The plan was that he'd pick me up, we'd go to his place and do the wham bam thing and then he'd drop me back home again in time for Grey's Anatomy. Oh yes, Thursday is the only night of the week that's non-negotiable for me. Heck, I'd give up hot steamy sex just to see McDreamy once a week.
Quickie was good and not so quick, haha. One hour of quality fucking does not qualify as a quickie in my book (which I define as 15 mins or less). I don't know whether to thank my lucky stars or what that my lover has the stamina of a porn star. Ha ha.
So far, he's the only guy who's openly noticed that I do get hyper a lot. Maybe he's noticed because he's at the other end of the spectrum being Mr. Laidback of the century. Well, given the novelty of the plan today, that made me fairly nervous. Add to that the fact that I'm not really used to someone else calling the shots and that'll make me as jittery as jello.
He was wondering if i'd still be this hyper if we saw each other every day. I forgot my retort to that one but at home, I'm really the epitome of zen. That would be my other half and my other end of the spectrum. I like it quiet. I like it peaceful. I enjoy the silence to mull things over my head and I need a man who will understand my silences as much as my words.
Come to think of it, my lover is such a good looking man. I'm not kidding. When he's on top of me and looks in my eyes, I am awed and amazed that I am there in that moment with that guy. Do you get what I mean? I cease being a participant and become a spectator and marvel at how blue his eyes are, the shape of his face, his lips and his expressions as though I want an imprint in my mind. I want to show him off to the rest of the world but, of course, our arrangement necessitates cover of darkness, haha.
Such a good looking man. Just imagine if I were in love with him and he were in love with me back. The sex would probably be even better than it already is.
Friday, September 29, 2006
Thursday, September 28, 2006
Strange Conversations
New twists and turns where my lover is concerned.
Here's the deal. In our quest to find the perfect participant for our little threesome, he suggested this male friend of his. I guess he didn't count on me being a bit more interested than he expected. Well, he said that the guy was pretty good looking, an economist, around his age and currently looking for a girlfriend. Loverboy doesn't want a relationship so I thought he wouldn't mind me exploring this new angle. I mean, I'm fine that he doesn't want to be my BF but just lover and friend but I should have the leeway to find what I'm looking for, right?
Well, apparently not. We got into this sticky conversation afterwards. He said that he can be a BF but he needs a girlfriend who will give him space to be the "lone wolf" kind of guy. Considering that we had that conversation when I was groggy since I just woke up, I didn't get much of it. I didn't see what the issue was, really. For one thing, I'm not pressuring him into a relationship. I know his parameters and respect them. What I don't get is why he doesn't want me to go looking for a boyfriend when he isn't ready to give me that. There's really nothing wrong with "us", although I think it's a bit of progress that he referred to us as an entity but in my book "us" is different from "me and the rest of them". Or am I being hyper-specific here?
I finally had to pass up on Mr.-yummy-economist-with-british-accent because he was obviously threatened and didn't want to let the issue die a natural death. Crap.
I did tell him that since he told me before that he wasn't looking for a relationship that I naturally excluded that possibility with him. Then now he tells me that he's not opposed to it. Seriously, I don't get it. I was fine with the parameters of this thing. It was something that happened under cover of darkness and now he's telling me that we can bring it up to the light. WTF?
Oh yeah, and I also found out that the guy read my previous ad, the one about the LTR. Why didn't he tell me that before? If there was anything in the conversation that made me iffy, despite all the serious discussion, this was it. In relationships like these, I like operating under the radar. That's what the "uncommitted" part of it is about, right? He doesn't get to weigh my potential as a long term partner because that's not on the table.
The guy was sick so we were chatting for most of the day. We finally settled on his long time friend for our kinky participant. I asked him for pictures and when he sent me some, lo and behold, my spider sense spotted a wedding ring on his finger. I almost freaked out but kept my cool. Turns out that lover has been married twice before. No kids though. No wonder he's had it with the whole marriage and romance thing. And I was thinking, is he a serial marry-er? Wouldn' t you have to be deeply in love with those people to want to marry them? I guess that's why he's so jaded. Of course, he didn't want to talk about this part of his life in detail and that's fine with me (see? I'm quite easy to talk to).
Still, bottomline is I may be tired of all the failed romances but I am definitely not yet in the jaded box. I still believe in love, you know. (playing song of the same title from "They're Playing Our Song" in my head) For one thing, I don't know how I could stand being with someone else day in and day out, compromising here and there between what he wants and what I want, without it.
I think we should stick to the sex. If he's that jaded and wants to avoid inadvertently getting into a romance, we should keep it as is - light and above the surface. Keep the three hour limit during trysts. Don't get to know me more. He'll be playing with a fire, if he doesn't and it's a flame I know how to handle. I can walk away from this unscathed but like other men before him, he may not and I don't want to break another heart.
This threesome thing is dangerous too. It's a recurring theme in my relationships. Two men, one me. It's exciting for me but sometimes it gets too serious for the men and in his case, this is his long time buddy. Dangerous ground, I tell you.
Here's the deal. In our quest to find the perfect participant for our little threesome, he suggested this male friend of his. I guess he didn't count on me being a bit more interested than he expected. Well, he said that the guy was pretty good looking, an economist, around his age and currently looking for a girlfriend. Loverboy doesn't want a relationship so I thought he wouldn't mind me exploring this new angle. I mean, I'm fine that he doesn't want to be my BF but just lover and friend but I should have the leeway to find what I'm looking for, right?
Well, apparently not. We got into this sticky conversation afterwards. He said that he can be a BF but he needs a girlfriend who will give him space to be the "lone wolf" kind of guy. Considering that we had that conversation when I was groggy since I just woke up, I didn't get much of it. I didn't see what the issue was, really. For one thing, I'm not pressuring him into a relationship. I know his parameters and respect them. What I don't get is why he doesn't want me to go looking for a boyfriend when he isn't ready to give me that. There's really nothing wrong with "us", although I think it's a bit of progress that he referred to us as an entity but in my book "us" is different from "me and the rest of them". Or am I being hyper-specific here?
I finally had to pass up on Mr.-yummy-economist-with-british-accent because he was obviously threatened and didn't want to let the issue die a natural death. Crap.
I did tell him that since he told me before that he wasn't looking for a relationship that I naturally excluded that possibility with him. Then now he tells me that he's not opposed to it. Seriously, I don't get it. I was fine with the parameters of this thing. It was something that happened under cover of darkness and now he's telling me that we can bring it up to the light. WTF?
Oh yeah, and I also found out that the guy read my previous ad, the one about the LTR. Why didn't he tell me that before? If there was anything in the conversation that made me iffy, despite all the serious discussion, this was it. In relationships like these, I like operating under the radar. That's what the "uncommitted" part of it is about, right? He doesn't get to weigh my potential as a long term partner because that's not on the table.
The guy was sick so we were chatting for most of the day. We finally settled on his long time friend for our kinky participant. I asked him for pictures and when he sent me some, lo and behold, my spider sense spotted a wedding ring on his finger. I almost freaked out but kept my cool. Turns out that lover has been married twice before. No kids though. No wonder he's had it with the whole marriage and romance thing. And I was thinking, is he a serial marry-er? Wouldn' t you have to be deeply in love with those people to want to marry them? I guess that's why he's so jaded. Of course, he didn't want to talk about this part of his life in detail and that's fine with me (see? I'm quite easy to talk to).
Still, bottomline is I may be tired of all the failed romances but I am definitely not yet in the jaded box. I still believe in love, you know. (playing song of the same title from "They're Playing Our Song" in my head) For one thing, I don't know how I could stand being with someone else day in and day out, compromising here and there between what he wants and what I want, without it.
I think we should stick to the sex. If he's that jaded and wants to avoid inadvertently getting into a romance, we should keep it as is - light and above the surface. Keep the three hour limit during trysts. Don't get to know me more. He'll be playing with a fire, if he doesn't and it's a flame I know how to handle. I can walk away from this unscathed but like other men before him, he may not and I don't want to break another heart.
This threesome thing is dangerous too. It's a recurring theme in my relationships. Two men, one me. It's exciting for me but sometimes it gets too serious for the men and in his case, this is his long time buddy. Dangerous ground, I tell you.
Thursday, September 21, 2006
Cards on the Table
Wow. I feel as if I'm improving in the relationship arena. At the very least, I'm not as flighty and I don't feel like running towards the door. At least, not yet.
Absence does make the heart grow fonder... and the lovers lustier, ha ha. Yesterday, we had this conversation that almost made me freak out. When that happens, I get the same reaction when I'm faced with a source of a phobia - my breath catches and I take short quick shallow ones, the world starts to spin and most everything is blocked from my mind. All I remember, basically, are the words "permanent", "us", "together". I know. I'm probably weird. These are the words that almost every female who hankers for a long term relationship want to hear. I think I want to hear them too but it's just so alien for me at the moment.
I think that there was even more serious talk today. I'm really at a loss here. Finally, I've met a guy who answers all my questions as forthrightly as possible without even balking. I even asked him why he does that! Isn't he supposed to give me the run around? Whenever he asks me in turn, I really get iffy about it. Heck, I'm the one who keeps asking questions and now he wants me to answer his?
At the very least, I told him that I wanted an LTR eventually. Not necessarily with him because he wants different things, but with someone else. And when I do find that guy, my heart will belong to him as well as other parts of my body. In other words, my most intimate parts are on loan to my FB until such time that my LTR arrives. Does that make sense?
It still feels surreal to me. That whole conversation was surreal if only because it seemed like he genuinely had an interest in what my answers would be.
Wonder where this will go....the sex is great; communication seems to be open and flowing...but that's all I have for now. Hmmmm....
Absence does make the heart grow fonder... and the lovers lustier, ha ha. Yesterday, we had this conversation that almost made me freak out. When that happens, I get the same reaction when I'm faced with a source of a phobia - my breath catches and I take short quick shallow ones, the world starts to spin and most everything is blocked from my mind. All I remember, basically, are the words "permanent", "us", "together". I know. I'm probably weird. These are the words that almost every female who hankers for a long term relationship want to hear. I think I want to hear them too but it's just so alien for me at the moment.
I think that there was even more serious talk today. I'm really at a loss here. Finally, I've met a guy who answers all my questions as forthrightly as possible without even balking. I even asked him why he does that! Isn't he supposed to give me the run around? Whenever he asks me in turn, I really get iffy about it. Heck, I'm the one who keeps asking questions and now he wants me to answer his?
At the very least, I told him that I wanted an LTR eventually. Not necessarily with him because he wants different things, but with someone else. And when I do find that guy, my heart will belong to him as well as other parts of my body. In other words, my most intimate parts are on loan to my FB until such time that my LTR arrives. Does that make sense?
It still feels surreal to me. That whole conversation was surreal if only because it seemed like he genuinely had an interest in what my answers would be.
Wonder where this will go....the sex is great; communication seems to be open and flowing...but that's all I have for now. Hmmmm....
Tuesday, September 12, 2006
Then Again, Maybe Not
I'm seeing him again tomorrow. So I suppose that I was just paranoid over the weekend. I still don't know what he did during the weekend and when I referred to the email I sent him, he offered no explanation so I'm not pushing it.
There's something about him that I find novel. For one thing, he's the only guy I've ever met who would rather that I say things directly instead of the usual "seduction" dance wherein you say things indirectly and build up the tension by trying to guess what each other is trying to say. We had a discussion about this earlier on. Honestly, I still don't know what to think about it.
On the one hand, it would make things easier because I actually get to say what I really want to say without fear of repercussion. Then again, this really throws me off course because this cat and mouse game is what I'm used to and what I'm good at. It's the seduction of the mind. You need that before you seduce the senses.
He himself is so frank and forthright that I really don't know what to make of it.
There's something about him that I find novel. For one thing, he's the only guy I've ever met who would rather that I say things directly instead of the usual "seduction" dance wherein you say things indirectly and build up the tension by trying to guess what each other is trying to say. We had a discussion about this earlier on. Honestly, I still don't know what to think about it.
On the one hand, it would make things easier because I actually get to say what I really want to say without fear of repercussion. Then again, this really throws me off course because this cat and mouse game is what I'm used to and what I'm good at. It's the seduction of the mind. You need that before you seduce the senses.
He himself is so frank and forthright that I really don't know what to make of it.
Sunday, September 10, 2006
Panic Descending
Panic descending - I sort of love that phrase. Leo used it a lot in his letters so it brings back a lot of memories.
Well, enough of the maudlin sentiments. I do feel panic descending if only because I think that my romps with my FB have ended for good. I think he's avoiding me. Tsk. Tsk. That's really too bad. We were having so much fun.
My theories: a) he's probably met a new girl in the past 3 days whom he wants to pursue with his whole body, heart and soul; b) he felt like such a loser when I told him that I haven't cum with him yet that he doesn't want to have anything to do with me; c) he read my other blog and got freaked out at all the drama in my life (in my defense, I never planned to lay all that drama on him anyway... that's one of the benefits of being emotionally unattached); d) he's in a rubber band phase and he needs to distance himself so he can get closer (yeah right... this is only applicable in "normal" relationships; e) he needs to distance himself because he's getting fonder of me that he would like and because it goes against the FB covenant (I wish!!!! hahahah); f) the real him got abducted by aliens and was replaced by a clone and, the mother of all justifications..... g) HE'S JUST NOT INTO ME!
Oh boy. That makes me laugh really. Well, not really laugh but it makes me want to give a wry, sardonic grin. My Incubus situation made me half expect this retraction just when we were having so much fun but even if it was expected, it still sucks just the same. And to think that the last, it was such a light and bubbly and fond and affectionate thing. It even felt like it was sort of the real thing.. but like my best friend said, they're DELUSIONS! hahaha.
Oh well.
Well, enough of the maudlin sentiments. I do feel panic descending if only because I think that my romps with my FB have ended for good. I think he's avoiding me. Tsk. Tsk. That's really too bad. We were having so much fun.
My theories: a) he's probably met a new girl in the past 3 days whom he wants to pursue with his whole body, heart and soul; b) he felt like such a loser when I told him that I haven't cum with him yet that he doesn't want to have anything to do with me; c) he read my other blog and got freaked out at all the drama in my life (in my defense, I never planned to lay all that drama on him anyway... that's one of the benefits of being emotionally unattached); d) he's in a rubber band phase and he needs to distance himself so he can get closer (yeah right... this is only applicable in "normal" relationships; e) he needs to distance himself because he's getting fonder of me that he would like and because it goes against the FB covenant (I wish!!!! hahahah); f) the real him got abducted by aliens and was replaced by a clone and, the mother of all justifications..... g) HE'S JUST NOT INTO ME!
Oh boy. That makes me laugh really. Well, not really laugh but it makes me want to give a wry, sardonic grin. My Incubus situation made me half expect this retraction just when we were having so much fun but even if it was expected, it still sucks just the same. And to think that the last, it was such a light and bubbly and fond and affectionate thing. It even felt like it was sort of the real thing.. but like my best friend said, they're DELUSIONS! hahaha.
Oh well.
Saturday, September 09, 2006
Friday Night and the Lights Are Low
I get a little bid sad whenever Friday rolls around and I don't have anything planned. FB and I had vague plans to shag each other tonight but I didn't hear from him and I didn't want to breathe down his neck either. But yes, I am horny and I neeeeeeed him right now.
The fact that he didn't want to meet up today is getting me all paranoid. Maybe he's shagging someone else tonight? Or maybe he's meeting up with someone he genuinely likes and wants to have an LTR with? My imagination is going on overdrive really. What if the other night's rendezvous would be the last shag I'd have from him? (Okay, panic descending.) That would be a bummer since I didn't technically get shagged because it was my TOM and he's not into period sex. Crap.
Anyway, I posted another ad and this time it's for a platonic guy buddy. Yup, strictly platonic. I'm into outsourcing now. Oh and also, I found out that the good doctor is not only a doctor but an author of medical fiction as well. Major plus points. However, when he drove me home after babysitting their kid last night, we did ride in his Porsche Cayenne which turned out to be such a beautiful car but his small talk was waaaaaayyyyy too much like rambling. I mean, did he have to give me so much information about the car's automated suspension and the real estate scenarios in the area vis a vis the US economy? It was a 5 minute drive for crying out loud. We could have stuck to the weather. I was almost tempted to ask, "why are you rambling? you're just supposed to take me home."
So FB might be out on a genuine date tonight and I feel crummy as hell. I don't know if it's because I was anticipating getting fucked tonight or what (it probably is). I just wish I knew for sure. In any case, I have to keep busy this weekend. Or meet a new guy. Distraction is the key.
The fact that he didn't want to meet up today is getting me all paranoid. Maybe he's shagging someone else tonight? Or maybe he's meeting up with someone he genuinely likes and wants to have an LTR with? My imagination is going on overdrive really. What if the other night's rendezvous would be the last shag I'd have from him? (Okay, panic descending.) That would be a bummer since I didn't technically get shagged because it was my TOM and he's not into period sex. Crap.
Anyway, I posted another ad and this time it's for a platonic guy buddy. Yup, strictly platonic. I'm into outsourcing now. Oh and also, I found out that the good doctor is not only a doctor but an author of medical fiction as well. Major plus points. However, when he drove me home after babysitting their kid last night, we did ride in his Porsche Cayenne which turned out to be such a beautiful car but his small talk was waaaaaayyyyy too much like rambling. I mean, did he have to give me so much information about the car's automated suspension and the real estate scenarios in the area vis a vis the US economy? It was a 5 minute drive for crying out loud. We could have stuck to the weather. I was almost tempted to ask, "why are you rambling? you're just supposed to take me home."
So FB might be out on a genuine date tonight and I feel crummy as hell. I don't know if it's because I was anticipating getting fucked tonight or what (it probably is). I just wish I knew for sure. In any case, I have to keep busy this weekend. Or meet a new guy. Distraction is the key.
Thursday, September 07, 2006
Million Dollar Question
Today, I forgot a cardinal rule in cross-examination - never ask a question you yourself don't know the answer to.
While chatting with my FB online a couple of hours before our "session", I was foolish enough to ask him this: "Why are you shagging me? Is it just because I'm available?" Of course, my motive behind the question was to find out if he would shag the first girl in a skirt that he sees and to see if I was just a random coincidence in his life.
In fairness, he answered. He said it was because I was his FB and he selected me to be his FB. Hmmm. Vague and neutral. Brilliant, I say.
Then, what I didn't expect was to have the very same question hurled back at me. He asked me why I was fucking him. I told him that I had never thought of asking myself the same thing and that I shagged him for various different reasons. He said that that wasn't an answer and pressed me for one. I tried delaying tactics and spoke about the pleasures I would give him when we'd meet. He got distracted a bit but went back to the question and I quickly said my goodbyes and logged off.
I thought this whole conversation escaped his mind already when we met. On the drive there, he was pressing on about my secret blog (this one) instead. I didn't cave in either. I did find out though that he read some other entries in my public persona blog and I thought, "wow, this guy read what I wrote!" haha.
Anyway, after our first session and during pillow talk recess, he asked me again why I was fucking him. Of course, I still didn't have an answer. I kept on asking him, "You seriously want an answer to that one?" and he said yes. I said, "Now?" and pressured as I was to find an answer out of nowhere I think I said that ... holy crap... I forgot what I said. Oh yeah. My first answer was "companionship" and he laughed. Crap. That was as honest as I could get really. But he thought that was a bogus one so I think I said that I liked doing this with him because he was a nice guy and he didn't make me freak out. He's as laid back as I am highly strung (I think I said this in my previous blog) that he actually balances me out. Otherwise, my flight syndrome would kick in.
So... why am I shagging this stranger? Well, we take care of each other's sexual needs. He's very good looking. I like staring into his deep blue eyes. He doesn't make me feel embarassed about my body. I like exchanging energies with him. Since I'm leaving, I don't have to play games with him in the interest of time. I get massages (very good ones at that) for free. His cum tastes like star apples (one of my favorite fruit). He's smart (although there are occasional spelling hitches but that's typical with Americans). He's got a cute ass. And he's got the sort of personality that would make it possible for him to like him more.
Well, since we're on the topic, let's exhaust it even further. Why haven't I fallen for him yet? Bullet points this time.
- I've learned my lesson before (too many times before) and I'm not offering my heart to just anyone who will take it for free. It's valuable and I need to know how much it's worth to them.
- he hasn't fed me yet - food is another appetite that is very important to me. It's on the same level as sex and it's a category I assess for in the "something more" field.
- I haven't cum with him yet (again, assessing whether my needs will be met)
- he hasn't called me yet without "booty call" entering the picture
There you have it. But I have to hand it to him. I mean, I'm still around, aren't I? I still don't get it why he laughed when I said companionship. And I still don't know what answer he was expecting. What did he want me to say?
My Lover, The Stranger
I'm meeting him again tomorrow and there are butterflies in my stomach again. I was the one who called him up after the Labor Day weekend (yes, I was too impatient to wait for his call but in the interest of time, I thought I'd take initiative). That was such a big step for me since I really don't call any of the guys i'm interested in up.
We talked a bit and I found out that he read my General Patronage blog over at 360. I had an entry there wherein I outlined relationships from my perspective. I didn't say anything revealing but he was asking why I didn't write about our stuff. I told him that my relatives had access to that blog so I had another blog (this one) where all my naughty stuff could be told and I'd still have space for plausible deniability. Ha ha.
He wanted the link to this blog and, of course, I didn't give it. No way. Not when I'm analyzing whatever we have going in my head and writing things down here is helping me process the information. He asked me why I didn't want him to read it and I said that that would take all the fun out of it. He's suppose to at least half guess what I'm thinking! Ha ha.
Anyway....
I hope he never finds this blog. If you ask me why I'm still sticking around, aside from the great sex, it's curiosity really. Since he's practically a stranger to me, I have no frame of reference whatsoever on why he does what he does. What kind of man travels for four hours on a rinky dinky run down bus without airconditioning to buy wooden carving panels in a remote village in Thailand? That's the question of the hour for me. I've also been wondering why this guy's still single. I mean, he's good looking. He's a professional. He's obviously got skills in the bedroom. He's so laid back, he doesn't seem to have any issues. Then again, "seem" is the operative word. It seems so foreign to me that one would just go through life without being anxious about anything since anxiety is almost second nature to me. I can liken him to Dean but that wouldn't be on all fours since Dean lives in a remote farm and despises any form of entertainment that impinges on his solitude. (BTW, Dean hasn't spoken to me since I told him that I got my cherry popped by this guy). He must have some hang-ups or something that he's anal retentive about. The same way that I get a little crazy when the temperature drops or when there's no butter in the house or when the blow dryer conks out and I don't have a spare. There should be something at least that gets his goat. And, really, that's what I mean to ask him tomorrow if we ever do get to hook up. Come to think of it, the guy is probably as laid back as I am highly strung.
Another question festering in my mind is what the heck is he doing with me? Am I just a regular booty call? Am I something that alleviates his boredom? Am I a soothing balm to a prior relationship gone bad? Whatever the answer is, I won't take it personally but it would be nice to know what it is. The thing is, the guy has such a low freak out level that even if I did ask him these questions outright, he would probably answer them. Now, that's disconcerting to me if only because it's such a refreshing change from all the hoops you have to jump through with other guys. Then again, maybe he just doesn't care. Or maybe he's just cruising along like I am at the moment and taking in whatever life throws his way.
I don't know what the real deal is with him. He seems to cater to the WYSIWYG principle and I am just bowled over at how easy going it is when that's put into play. I'm nervous because I'm curious. Does that make any sense? I'm nervous because I don't know if this will stretch on until the time that I'm ready to go back home. I'm nervous because I'm not seeing anyone else aside from him right now and that might give me a skewed perspective.
Oh well. I'm just glad that he's laid back. It just sort of balances me out.
We talked a bit and I found out that he read my General Patronage blog over at 360. I had an entry there wherein I outlined relationships from my perspective. I didn't say anything revealing but he was asking why I didn't write about our stuff. I told him that my relatives had access to that blog so I had another blog (this one) where all my naughty stuff could be told and I'd still have space for plausible deniability. Ha ha.
He wanted the link to this blog and, of course, I didn't give it. No way. Not when I'm analyzing whatever we have going in my head and writing things down here is helping me process the information. He asked me why I didn't want him to read it and I said that that would take all the fun out of it. He's suppose to at least half guess what I'm thinking! Ha ha.
Anyway....
I hope he never finds this blog. If you ask me why I'm still sticking around, aside from the great sex, it's curiosity really. Since he's practically a stranger to me, I have no frame of reference whatsoever on why he does what he does. What kind of man travels for four hours on a rinky dinky run down bus without airconditioning to buy wooden carving panels in a remote village in Thailand? That's the question of the hour for me. I've also been wondering why this guy's still single. I mean, he's good looking. He's a professional. He's obviously got skills in the bedroom. He's so laid back, he doesn't seem to have any issues. Then again, "seem" is the operative word. It seems so foreign to me that one would just go through life without being anxious about anything since anxiety is almost second nature to me. I can liken him to Dean but that wouldn't be on all fours since Dean lives in a remote farm and despises any form of entertainment that impinges on his solitude. (BTW, Dean hasn't spoken to me since I told him that I got my cherry popped by this guy). He must have some hang-ups or something that he's anal retentive about. The same way that I get a little crazy when the temperature drops or when there's no butter in the house or when the blow dryer conks out and I don't have a spare. There should be something at least that gets his goat. And, really, that's what I mean to ask him tomorrow if we ever do get to hook up. Come to think of it, the guy is probably as laid back as I am highly strung.
Another question festering in my mind is what the heck is he doing with me? Am I just a regular booty call? Am I something that alleviates his boredom? Am I a soothing balm to a prior relationship gone bad? Whatever the answer is, I won't take it personally but it would be nice to know what it is. The thing is, the guy has such a low freak out level that even if I did ask him these questions outright, he would probably answer them. Now, that's disconcerting to me if only because it's such a refreshing change from all the hoops you have to jump through with other guys. Then again, maybe he just doesn't care. Or maybe he's just cruising along like I am at the moment and taking in whatever life throws his way.
I don't know what the real deal is with him. He seems to cater to the WYSIWYG principle and I am just bowled over at how easy going it is when that's put into play. I'm nervous because I'm curious. Does that make any sense? I'm nervous because I don't know if this will stretch on until the time that I'm ready to go back home. I'm nervous because I'm not seeing anyone else aside from him right now and that might give me a skewed perspective.
Oh well. I'm just glad that he's laid back. It just sort of balances me out.
Saturday, September 02, 2006
The Chicken and The Egg
Okay, all these cautionary tales are starting to make me obsess about my FB. Half the time I'm worried that I might develop feelings for him and - like the chicken and the egg - it sort of feeds the insanity and triggers feelings!! EEEKK. I was doing so well....
Now I'm thinking whether or not he's fucking anyone behind my back. I know I asked him this the last time we were together and he said that he didn't have time to see anyone else. Prior to this freak out, I would have believed him and left it at that. Heck, I wouldn't even have cared if he said that he was seeing someone. That's what drives me crazy. It would even be better if he said that he does see some other women (okay, no not better but only theoretically better) so that I don't have the expectation that he sees only me.
It's a long weekend because of Labor Day and I'm going camping. He still hasn't figured out what he's going to do but what if he hooks up with someone else? (I know, I shouldn't care)
Okay, I have to stop this. I'm getting paranoid that he's secretly trolling CL for other prey, just like I'm doing. I think it was a very foolish thing to want the lights on just so that I could see his eyes. It was even more foolish for me to have looked into his eyes. No more of that from now on. It's a fuck. That's all it is.
Oh yeah, no more affectionate kisses from me. Just lusty ones.
Now I'm thinking whether or not he's fucking anyone behind my back. I know I asked him this the last time we were together and he said that he didn't have time to see anyone else. Prior to this freak out, I would have believed him and left it at that. Heck, I wouldn't even have cared if he said that he was seeing someone. That's what drives me crazy. It would even be better if he said that he does see some other women (okay, no not better but only theoretically better) so that I don't have the expectation that he sees only me.
It's a long weekend because of Labor Day and I'm going camping. He still hasn't figured out what he's going to do but what if he hooks up with someone else? (I know, I shouldn't care)
Okay, I have to stop this. I'm getting paranoid that he's secretly trolling CL for other prey, just like I'm doing. I think it was a very foolish thing to want the lights on just so that I could see his eyes. It was even more foolish for me to have looked into his eyes. No more of that from now on. It's a fuck. That's all it is.
Oh yeah, no more affectionate kisses from me. Just lusty ones.
Friday, September 01, 2006
Third Time's A Charm
It was my third date with my FB tonight. On the whole it was a lot better than the last time, emotionally speaking. I guess, we're getting used to each other and, in a way, the time we spend with each other is more intimate, more fond and affectionate.
Oh, of course, we still have great sex and continue to explore each other's bodies but during the few minutes of respite in between sessions, the pillow talk is becoming more enjoyable.
We have this inside joke of sorts. When I ask him what his job is, he's supposed to say "My job is to fuck you regularly." (which works for me, horny woman that I am). When he asks me the same thing, I'm supposed to say "My job is to be totally obsessed with your cock, swallow your cum and let your cum seep out through my panties." Ha ha.
For someone with a more conventional mindset, they'd probably say that I am on the losing end since he enjoys doing his job so much. But don't get me wrong. We have the perfect job description for each other. I've loved swallowing cum even before I met him. From what I gather from the locker room talk of my male friends, that's not so common. And with this guy, I'm lucky enough because it just so happens that his cum tastes so darn good, I want more of it each time.
I think this will work out fine. If at all, he's the one bringing up "fishing" topics about me dating other men, fucking other men and how long am I going to be here for. Today, he even came in the house because I said I was going to introduce him to my grandparents so that our debauchery would have a semblance of legitimacy. He was dressed for the occasion and it was supposed to go well except for the fact that my grandparents were so shy to meet him, he didn't get to meet anyone at all. Ha ha. Still, in my book, the fact that he made the effort counts a lot.
We did it with the lights on tonight. The guy has got such beautiful baby blues that I could stare into his eyes for a very long time and just drown in them. Oh boyyy.
Oh, of course, we still have great sex and continue to explore each other's bodies but during the few minutes of respite in between sessions, the pillow talk is becoming more enjoyable.
We have this inside joke of sorts. When I ask him what his job is, he's supposed to say "My job is to fuck you regularly." (which works for me, horny woman that I am). When he asks me the same thing, I'm supposed to say "My job is to be totally obsessed with your cock, swallow your cum and let your cum seep out through my panties." Ha ha.
For someone with a more conventional mindset, they'd probably say that I am on the losing end since he enjoys doing his job so much. But don't get me wrong. We have the perfect job description for each other. I've loved swallowing cum even before I met him. From what I gather from the locker room talk of my male friends, that's not so common. And with this guy, I'm lucky enough because it just so happens that his cum tastes so darn good, I want more of it each time.
I think this will work out fine. If at all, he's the one bringing up "fishing" topics about me dating other men, fucking other men and how long am I going to be here for. Today, he even came in the house because I said I was going to introduce him to my grandparents so that our debauchery would have a semblance of legitimacy. He was dressed for the occasion and it was supposed to go well except for the fact that my grandparents were so shy to meet him, he didn't get to meet anyone at all. Ha ha. Still, in my book, the fact that he made the effort counts a lot.
We did it with the lights on tonight. The guy has got such beautiful baby blues that I could stare into his eyes for a very long time and just drown in them. Oh boyyy.
Fuck Buddies
Fuck Buddies a.k.a. Friends with Benefits.
I'm new to this, really. After 30 years of keeping myself prime virgin territory, I have given the gift of my "prima nupta" to a total stranger who was nice enough to not disappoint after all the wait. To be honest, when I started the ball rolling, I was merely looking for a massage buddy, for someone to share intimate time with, without the hassle of getting too close, too connected, too in each other's faces. Things got out of hand though and this led to that and so the story goes.
I've been gobbling up whatever I could read on the net regarding friends with benefits (FWBs) and in almost every one of them, there's a cautionary tale to be told to the girls who end up expecting more out of the "arrangement". Even if I started out having no expectations whatsoever except for pleasuring each other when we're together, I can't help but wonder if I'm going to fall in that trap myself.
I ask myself, "do I want to get to know him?" and, you know what? I do. Or, "I did" would be more accurate. It's human nature to shoot for the moon. When I met up with him the first time, I was dizzy with possibilities of a relationship. I imagined us going out on dates, hanging out with each other while doing nothing, long drawn out phone calls just because we couldn't get enough of each other. Then, over time, I had more opportunity to observe and to assess the potential of this "arrangement" -- How funny is that? I can't even call this a relationship -- and I realized that he will not offer me anything more than a mouthful of cum and a glass of red wine whenever I come over.
Lucky for him, I'm cool with that. My logic behind this is the "shopping list" mentality. What you need goes on that list. If all of those items can be found at just one store, that's the best. However, if you have to shop somewhere else to complete that list, then you just have to do that until the first store has all the items you need in its inventory.
Here's the thing. This FWB will only work if we both keep our emotional levees working. Is he seeing someone else? Is he attracted to someone else? Is he in love at the moment with someone else? Or even questions like: Is he attracted to me? Does he want to get to know me more? --- I just don't want to get to the point wherein I want to ask them. I don't even think I want to know him too much either. I know myself and I tend to idealize men and romance and fill in the blanks and later on even the world's worst asshole will seem to be the most pristine and immaculate lover in my eyes. So, no. I don't want to go there.
When I told him that it was a fantasy of mine to be a geisha, he said that he wanted me to be his geisha. And today, he will school me in the art of giving a blissful blowjob.
I'm new to this, really. After 30 years of keeping myself prime virgin territory, I have given the gift of my "prima nupta" to a total stranger who was nice enough to not disappoint after all the wait. To be honest, when I started the ball rolling, I was merely looking for a massage buddy, for someone to share intimate time with, without the hassle of getting too close, too connected, too in each other's faces. Things got out of hand though and this led to that and so the story goes.
I've been gobbling up whatever I could read on the net regarding friends with benefits (FWBs) and in almost every one of them, there's a cautionary tale to be told to the girls who end up expecting more out of the "arrangement". Even if I started out having no expectations whatsoever except for pleasuring each other when we're together, I can't help but wonder if I'm going to fall in that trap myself.
I ask myself, "do I want to get to know him?" and, you know what? I do. Or, "I did" would be more accurate. It's human nature to shoot for the moon. When I met up with him the first time, I was dizzy with possibilities of a relationship. I imagined us going out on dates, hanging out with each other while doing nothing, long drawn out phone calls just because we couldn't get enough of each other. Then, over time, I had more opportunity to observe and to assess the potential of this "arrangement" -- How funny is that? I can't even call this a relationship -- and I realized that he will not offer me anything more than a mouthful of cum and a glass of red wine whenever I come over.
Lucky for him, I'm cool with that. My logic behind this is the "shopping list" mentality. What you need goes on that list. If all of those items can be found at just one store, that's the best. However, if you have to shop somewhere else to complete that list, then you just have to do that until the first store has all the items you need in its inventory.
Here's the thing. This FWB will only work if we both keep our emotional levees working. Is he seeing someone else? Is he attracted to someone else? Is he in love at the moment with someone else? Or even questions like: Is he attracted to me? Does he want to get to know me more? --- I just don't want to get to the point wherein I want to ask them. I don't even think I want to know him too much either. I know myself and I tend to idealize men and romance and fill in the blanks and later on even the world's worst asshole will seem to be the most pristine and immaculate lover in my eyes. So, no. I don't want to go there.
When I told him that it was a fantasy of mine to be a geisha, he said that he wanted me to be his geisha. And today, he will school me in the art of giving a blissful blowjob.
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