The World Is A Vampire

I'm in a pretty foul mood today and I bet that my blood pressure has risen to the roof. Proximate cause of this occurence was that fucking dog that I had to walk this morning. I won't mince words now. I hate that dog. I have no idea why my uncle and everyone else in this house loves that dog which is just big, lazy and utterly useless. I hate walking that dog. She stops at each and every house and refuses to be led by leash. Again, I cannot say it enough. I hate that dog. She hovers around the dinner table waiting for scraps and doesn't know how to leave when you tell her. I cannot stand dull dumb dogs. Especially since mine is so lithe and smart and small.

Then there was the thing with the dishes. Anyone who knows me will know that washing dishes is the chore that I hate the most. I will wash the dishes when I am the designated dishwasher but when I'm not, I hate being the fall gal for unwashed dishes in the sink.

Of course, there's also the fact that I called D today and he hasn't returned my call. I haven't heard from him in five days. I should let that go. Somehow, I am just incredulous that he would go through all that and just leave like the wind. There were so many things that he said and he did that he needn't have done if all he wanted was just a fuck. Besides, there were other prey out there if he just wanted to hone his predatory instincts. Ignominy would be the aggravating circumstance there. Still, I'm not bugging him. I don't want to waste time pursuing him if he doesn't want to pursue me. Wasn't it he who said that you should grab the bull by the horns and not let it go once the opportunity is in front of you? Well, I've been "in front of him" so to speak and since he hasn't grabbed me (much less my horns), that would be a big indication.

Then again, I'm just in a foul mood. I didn't sleep well. And that dog got me to the end of my rope. I was sorely tempted to kick it during our walk. So I realized that I don't love all dogs. Just mine.

For all other things, the answer is 42.

Crashing

Quite a bit melancholic today. Haven't heard from "him" and the paranoia is sinking in. After my high of the last couple of days, I feel like the meds are wearing off and I'm crashing.

I could be a mild adrenalin junkie of sorts. I deliberately look for situations that give me those "highs" and then when the "lows" set in, I make a mad dash for the nearest friend to reassure me that my life is still exciting and that there will be days that are less dull than these.

The thing that leaves me vulnerable in my encounter with him is that the whole thing was set from a different platform. If we were both clear from the very beginning that sex was the currency we were dealing with, I would have handled myself much better. He didn't have to wine and dine me and treat me really nice for me to put out. Like I said, I like sex for what it is. I don't need to be persuaded much to appreciate the recreational aspect of it. Yes, I must have been a dolphin in my past life.

Of course, I am giving him the benefit of the doubt. For one thing, he took too much trouble just to get into my panties. I could argue that but he's the type of man who is at a station in life when he can play with his prey no matter how much it cost. Still and all, I'm letting this settle for a few days. My only concern is that I don't have much time left here and I would like to know what to do with myself. The good thing though is that I haven't been horny at all since I've been with him. I don't feel the need to venture out. Maybe it's the cold. Suddenly, there is some sense in why bears hibernate in the winter.

Mistaken Identity

I forgot to tell you that when I was out with "him", I had the urge to light up a cigarette since I hadn't had one in about 16 hours and the last 7 minutes of the Monday Night Football game had ceased to be interesting enough since the Bears had enough points to run off with the game ball.

I went outside the Sports Bar and lit up. Ahhh, nothing beats inhaling polluted air, haha. Anyway, not five minutes into my ritual this utterly gorgeous dark haired man approaches me and asks me if he could speak with me. Now, I am naturally suspicious of strangers who just come up to me ever since I got assaulted with a 12-inch icepick in the parking lot last year so I was backing away while he was speaking to me and making sure that I was in front of the Hyatt's parking lot where the bellboy would be able to see me should things take a different turn.

Gorgeous guy continues to speak to me. Next thing he says is this: "I was wondering if you would be able to spend some time with me in my hotel room." EXCUSE ME??!!?? Was I being mistaken for a hooker??? I immediately dispelled his notion and told him that I was with someone and I had just stepped outside to smoke. Gorgeous guy then turns into embarassed guy and walks away.

First thought that came into my mind was what in the world was he doing looking for company when he didn't look like someone who did? Those looks would get him dates left and right. If he's having trouble finding dates then we're all in trouble.

Second thought was that I should have asked him what was it in me that he had mistaken me for a hooker. For one thing, I was dressed appropriately that night. Nothing revealing, nothing remotely slutty in the least. I was even bundled up in a jacket and barely had any make up on. Now that I think about it, it was probably my stiletto heels. I had these purple snakeskin BCBG stilettos that I just love because they're soooo sexy. Apparently, it wasn't only me who found them so.

I don't know whether I should feel insulted (being mistaken for a hooker) or flattered (getting attention from gorgeous guy). Hmmm.

Square Pegs

The past couple of days, I have been in awe of how easy it is to be with "him". And I'm not talking about FB either. Somehow, my ship zipped through the Twilight Zone and my whole world did a 180 degree turn. I've always thought that love was supposed to be easy. It shouldn't be tragic and shouldn't make one miserable and after trying to fit square pegs in round holes, you kind of know when you have a round peg already.

Here's the thing. If I hied myself off to San Francisco to spend two days with a strange man, even I would consider myself crazy but with "him", it just seems right. For the first time in my life, I actually spent a night with another man. Not just a couple of hours but the entire night and the rest of the morning and guess what? I'm not flinching. I'm not getting flaky. I'm not nervous. I just feel like I'm in the right place at the right time with the right person.

It was just the second time that I've seen him in person and it seems like I've known him for a lifetime. When he picked me up at the Amtrak station, I felt like my husband was picking me up. We had breakfast somewhere near little Italy and he had salmon, crepes and creme cheese on a bagel while I had a waffle with cheese and bacon. (Yeah, I forgot the name of the place. We were supposed to eat at Mama's but is was closed).

In a nutshell, we went to visit a couple of churches (Grace Cathedral, Mary the Assumption Cathedral, one more church), Coit's Point, Conservatory of Flowers, Japanese Tea Garden and I forgot where else we went. We stayed at the Holiday Inn near Fisherman's Wharf (room 423). Had dinner at Knuckles Sports Bar at the Hyatt while watching Monday Night Football (yes, thanks to him, I can sort of understand what the pigskin is for) and spent the night together.

As far as the sex is concerned, it was great and I refuse to do a comparative review with FB. As far as the other things are concerned, I am still increduluous. I just feel like a fish who's found water when all this time the fish was trying to ride a bicycle, you get what I mean? This guy is just amazing! He's charming, witty, considerate, smart, kind, gentle, able-bodied and good looking. Oh, he's got a personality too and by that I mean that he's not dull and gentlemanly, he's dashing and mischievous and gentlemanly at the same time.

I was looking through his stuff and he was wearing Kenneth Cole shoes, CK Jeans, Polo Ralph Lauren briefs, Banana Republic Sweater, Dolce & Gabbana polo shirt and his toiletries were Marc Jacobs -- love the scent of it, btw. For a while, I had this paranoid thought that he might be gay and that I was being set up as part of a conventional front in Florida while he and his lover stayed in San Francisco. Then again, I remembered everything else he said and did and his res gestae comments and quickly attributed his designer brand choices to a good sense of taste. Nevertheless, even if he did turn out to be gay (which I hope he's not) and he does have a lover stashed away, that just means that I would be free to cavort with FB who has promised to be around as long as I wished him to. See? So it does work out whatever the scenario.

Okay, final thought on that issue --> HE IS NOT GAY. I don't even know why I'm thinking of this when I used to mentally critique FB's fashion choices. "Champion" undies really don't turn me on.

The thing that he brought up early on in this trip that caught me by surprise (but of course, I didn't show it) was that he asked if a week in Manila would be enough for my parents to get to know him. He asked me how long would it take for me to wrap things up as soon as I got home and I told him that it would take me a month. He said that that was just about right.

Hmm...so he plans to present himself and talk to my parents about it. Sounds good to me.

Three's Company

The Cheshire cat grin I'm sporting right now is because I have officially just been initiated into the pleasures of a threesome. Oh, a menage a trois would be right up my alley when it comes to romantic matters but in the sexual arena, I'm practically a virgin.

FB and his BFF. Wonderful. And to add to the kink, I was blindfolded too. I hadn't met BFF before so it was only when the whole thing was over and the blindfold came off that I met him face to face.

Seriously, it was surreal. Like a page taken out of a porn movie script. I gave FB a blowjob while BFF was eating me. Fucking doggie style while sucking cock. BFF's cock was waaaayyyy too tiny to satisfy me though and, of course, I just love FB's cock and his cum will always taste way better than any other lover.

Apparently, there were a few things I learned about me too simply by overhearing both of them "review" me as it was going on. The both of them kept raving at my 5 star blowjob. BFF said that FB trained me well, haha. They said that my pussy was hot; that I had nice breasts (this was a surprise to me, believe me); that I squirted really good; that I had really soft skin (this was a surprise to me as well); and, basically, that I was hot in general.

FB said that I should take it as a compliment that I made BFF cum twice in quick succession. Hmmmm. Okay. My talents in the bedroom have been validated now. Let's just call BFF quality assurance, haha.

What I liked about the whole thing though was how FB and I were interacting. I hadn't seen him in two weeks (Thanksgiving week and the week after when I got my period) and as usual, he looked gorgeous when he picked me up. It was sweet really. Right before BFF came, we were hugging each other and kissing. He was reassuring me and telling me not to be nervous. Then when I took the blindfold off. We were just hugging each other again in front of BFF. This has been, by far, our most affectionate time together yet. It's ironic that the kinkier we get, the more affectionate we become.

I did tell FB about my prospect and that's the thing that I like about him, really. I can tell him anything at all. He said that we would still meet up and that he's going to be there for me.

Sweet.

Being His Girl and Not

Sometimes, I feel like we're a couple, albeit an unconventional one. I'm his girl, I've no doubts about that and he reminds me of it every so often. There are times though that even though he refuses to be called a "boyfriend" that we seem to act like it. Like today, we had an LQ because I hadn't seen him in two weeks, we were supposed to be together this afternoon and he had to cancel because his second job had demands on him. I was sooooo disappointed, I ended up crying and we had to do that whole "do you understand where I'm coming from?" dance.

Well, of course, I understand but like I said, he can't tell me not to be disappointed because I am. Besides, he needs that second job because as he says, it's going to pay him a shitload of money. He could even take a year's sabbatical if he wanted to.

Anyway, I told him about developments in the ad that I posted. He still maintains that I won't get what I want in that kind of relationship and that our relationship is perfect for me because of two reasons: One, he's not a jealous guy so he allows me to fuck other guys; and, two, he doesn't fuck any other girls because he's quite happy to hear my stories which also works for me because I will not tolerate him being with other girls.

I told him that although that's one of the things I want, there are other things that I want such as love, marriage and being with a man who loves me. If my husband won't allow me to play around, I could give up playing around since I'm getting so much more in return.

Well, we tossed this idea around a bit and he ended up saying that if I got married, he'd email me six months after my honeymoon to see if I was happy where I was. He said that maybe we should see each other at least once a year, he'd fly over to wherever I was and we'd just fuck each other the entire weekend. I said that I would take his word for it. Ha ha. Boy am I looking forward to that. He thinks that marriage and the whole white picket fence thing will water down my sexual drive. Umm, I don't think so but we'll see, shan't we?

Babies and Threesomes

Tricky logistical problem in our pending threesome with FB's best friend. Since FB and I are sexually monogamous, we don't use protection. However, FB's BFF (this does get confusing, haha) will definitely have to use protection during our menage a trois if only because if ever a complication arises, I would like to be certain of paternity. And, of course, I'd rather have FB's "good looking genes". Yes, we have to constantly strive to improve the species.

Frankly, I don't know what FB thought about all that. Tangentially, I might as well have told him that he looks gorgeous. Not sure if he knew that before but that's okay. So with that as a starting point, we managed to steer the conversation to babies and what ifs.

I asked him if he would like to know if ever I got pregnant by him and he said that he didn't want to know. Of course, I called him a jerk. Then I also said that how sure was he that I was going to tell him anyway? I told him why should I let him know when he didn't care for the kid anyway? And he said, "of course not". See? That's the other strange thing with this guy that I've noticed. He never wants to find him having his back up against the wall. He won't say that it's a definitive no even if that's what it really is. He just likes having his options open.

The only reason I'm tolerant of that is that I'm the same way so I guess, I understand. I drive people crazy sometimes not having anything definite in mind and waiting until the last minute to make a decision but yes, I do like having the option for as long as I like.

Anyway, he said that he was dating someone before who asked him to knock her up but he refused her flat out. I don't know why the guy is so hesitant in bringing another person into this world when it seems that he would make a good dad. I told him that. He said that I hadn't seen him with any children yet so how could I know? I told him that I didn't need to see him with kids to know he'd be good with them. It's a matter of character and well, if he can handle me, then he can handle any two year old. Boy, did he laugh at that.

Then, he asked me if I wanted him to shoot it deep during the middle of my cycle, my non-safe zone. Seriously, I don't know what this guy wants. He tells me that he doesn't want to be a dad and all that, doesn't want to be responsible and accountable for whatever life we bring into this world and then he suggests risky baby making sex. WTF?

Enjoy the Ride

FB says that I think too much and should turn my brain off. He's probably right EXCEPT that when my brain perceives red flags throughout the course and is telling me that even by FB standards this guy is a jerk, turning my brain off would make me the fool who got taken in by the jerk. Not good. Not good at all.

Relax and enjoy the ride, he says. I'm too much of a control freak. Hmmm. I probably am but given our situation with the hotwifing thing minus the benefits, I think it would be wise to look over my shoulder from time to time especially since I know he hasn't got my back.

Seriously, I should fire him from being my lover. He is a good fuck but a definitely lousy lover. Plus, he doesn't know the first thing about how to treat women. So here I am dating a rake and a cad and I'm still here. Why?

First of all, I called him forth. I did want an "in the meantime guy" to relieve me of boredom while waiting for Mr. Right. So here he is with all his faults and annoying habits that I should be thankful for in the long run. You must think I'm crazy that I should be thankful for it but here's my twisted logic -- without them, I'd probably be distracted as hell so with this set up, I'm able to keep my eye on the ball.

Secondly, I'm going home anyway.

Thirdly, he looks darned good. I swear.

Fourth, I can talk to the jerk and tell him that he is one. Like tonight, we had a bull session of sorts. I'm even surprised that he was willing to forego our fuck session and just spend the time talking about all my issues. Of course, we still ended up fucking but at least we got it all out. I told him he was a selfish, inconsiderate jerk who had no feelings whatsoever. He seemed to take that well. He asked me why I was still going out with him and I gave him all the reasons written here but kept the "he looks darned good" part to myself. No sense in giving him the upper hand, haha.

I told him that I didn't want to be his girlfriend and that I wouldn't make him my boyfriend either. Oddly enough, this whole mudslinging -- well, not really because it was kinda sweet when we were talking about. Not hostile at all. He was lying on the bed, my head was on his chest and my arms draped around him and I think I managed to pull off telling him that he was a good fuck and a lousy lover lovingly. (yes, I am strange and I am certain he will never meet anyone like me in his lifetime). He was telling me that there were other girls that he could fuck but he still kept coming back to me. (yes, I believed that. because he is hot and is so darned good looking).

But I digress. As I was saying, this whole mudslinging thing had the effect of making our fuck session afterward one of the sweetest, most honest and tender ones we've had yet. Even his kisses were different. He didn't even pummel me as usual but gave it to me slow, deep, thoughtful and, yes, tender. I didn't understand it but I embraced it just the same. (Waitaminit --- or maybe he was just like that because he was tired from the gym, hmmm).

He was also sweet during the drive home. He kept looking at me and he even turned the light in the car on once so he could get a better glimpse of me. Then he kept on rubbing my nose and talked in the sort of baby-talk gibberish that I'm getting to be accustomed to. We won't be seeing each other for a week because his folks are flying in for Thanksgiving and that's a pisser. I do have permission to play though and get acquainted with other cocks, haha.

Goodbyes in the car were sweet. Then, just as I was getting out of the car while whining at the same time that we wouldn't be able to see each other for a long time, he said "unless you want to meet my parents at thanksgiving...". That caught me totally off guard. I stopped dead in my tracks wondering how serious he was and I must have had a shocked look on my face (trust me, I did, I'm rather transparent) because there was a few seconds of silence there while he took in my expression before he retracted and said, "naaah... blah blah blah" (it was just the nah that registered, I can't remember what he said after that).

Then I got it. It just clicked in my brain. This guy is afraid of rejection. That's why he's as skittish as I am since I'm harboring the same fear. He doesn't want to pursue unless he's sure that the target is willing and still.

Still and all, I am revelling in that almost freudian slip of his. Why? Because it was such an unnecessary question. I wasn't angling to be invited. I didn't drop hints. Nada. Nothing. We weren't engaged in witty repartee that would have led up to that retort as a comeback. So it was something that entered his mind and I am happy with that for now. And with the speed that he left, I think he even freaked himself out. Ha ha.

I end this blog with this thought: even if we aren't crazy about each other, we're surely driving each other crazy.

Dear Mr. Fuck Buddy

Here's something I posted in the Rants and Raves section about FB. I got a good deal of responses out of it most of them from men who would kill to be my FB instead. Nice to know that I'm not just making "drama" and that I've got a legitimate cause of action:

Dear Mr. Fuck Buddy,

Today I find myself wandering the cyberhalls of the ranters and ravers because you blew me off AGAIN and I have just about had it with you. Just because we have this kind of arrangement, that's still NO EXCUSE for you to treat me like crap. Pick up the damned phone and call me if you can't make it to our fuck appointment.

I have been as "naughty and nice" as you've wanted me to be but our strange arrangement doesn't permit me to complain (I should seriously rethink that) so I find myself here listing the things that, should they not be resolved soon, will seriously tempt me to bite off your penis instead of sucking on it, to wit:

1. When you pound and hammer me like a porn king and I end up screaming and moaning, when the session is over, at the very least, offer a glass of water. I'm not even expecting you to open a bottle of wine. Water is cheap. As it turns out, so are you.

2. I do not appreciate it when we flirt online, get ourselves hot and heavy, make a fuck appointment to relieve the tension and then you actually don't show up. I'm a woman. Like other women, I'm like an iron that needs to get heated up. When you get me heated up and then there's no follow through that just gives me the female equivalent of blue balls. If you didn't notice, this behavior does not make me hot for you. Au contraire, it makes me want to strangle you and hope that your dongle falls off one of these days.

3. Porn is for guys. Erotica is for girls. - Much as I oblige you in your porn fantasies, I would like some reciprocity in turn and hope that you indulge mine. Tit for tat. When I say that I like sucking your cock, I mean that I like it because it brings pleasure to you and I like to please my lovers. That is not the same thing as saying that I've been pleasured myself. I suck your cock for over an hour because it takes you so darned long to cum; I swallow your jizz and don't spill a single drop, is it that difficult for you to return the favor and suck my clit or even just rub it till I cum from time to time? My squirting prowess is lost on you too and so I just have to say it, YOU ARE A VERY SELFISH LOVER.

4. Why do you keep saying we're dating when we're not? You haven't even fed me yet. Protein shakes don't count.

5. Just pounding it in me will not make me cum no matter how well endowed you are or how enthusiastic you are in your pounding if you do not stimulate the rest of me, my brain especially. I am a creature of seduction. 6. Let me catch my breath after we've had a fuck session before scuttling me out the door. At the very least, tell me in advance what time we've got to wrap it up. I'm sucking your cock for FREE. Don't treat me like a hooker.

Frankly, I don't think this is working out for me anymore. No, I am not breaking up with you on CL, I'm still just thinking about it. I'm not sure if I'm done exploring my sexuality with you and I just might be curious enough to find out how submissive and meek I actually can be. But let me tell you that as sure as a tiger can't change his stripes, this Type A personality cannot stand by the sidelines and watch such ineptitude and incompetence in her lover.

And no, I cannot tell you this straight out because it would just irreparably crush your fragile ego which may lead to your schlong going on strike -- something definitely contrary to my interests. Besides, I'm leaving soon so in the interest of time, I will probably just grin and bear it. So there. If you're still up for it, I am too but remember the wisdom of the ages: Be careful of pissing off the many toothed woman in whose mouth your cock rests.

-- Your very disgruntled lover

Candidate #2

Candidate #2 was a disappointment and not. He was gorgeous and we did have a hot time in the car where he pinched my nipples, massaged my clit through my jeans and made me cum several times over that by the time that we got to Wal-mart to get some condoms, my jeans were soaked.

He was raving about how I was about to get a night that I wouldn't forget. He said that he was big and was wondering if I could take all of him in. Of course, this was getting me nervouse. "What did I get myself into?" kept running over and over in my head like a bad refrain. The large magnum trojans that we purchased in Wal-mart didn't help ease my anxiety either.

We went to this house and no lights came on. The helped the erotic mood - darkness, strange place, stranger, heavy carpet and the shag rug on which he lay me down so that he could do wonderful things to me. Oh the foreplay was great all right and as instructed by FB, I gave him a standing blowjob. He went crazy. His legs were shaking and since he wasn't as big as FB (yes, truth in advertising should be a stape in encounters like these), I could deep throat him. I swallowed, as usual.

On a sidenote - i think I swallow only because I don't know what else to do with their sperm. Ha ha. I don't want him spurting it on me so I'd rathe r swallow. Anyway...we fooled around again and he made cum several times. The thing is, when my clit is overstimulated, I don't know how to cum some more anymore. They keep on telling me to give it to them but I don't know how, to tell you the truth.

While he was putting the condom on, I decided to take him in my mouth again. Bad move. The guy came again and after that he was DONE. Talk about having blue balls.

After he milked the cow for free (but hey, I was doing the milking), he admitted that he was still married and that their marriage was on the rocks. I asked why and do you know what the guy said? It was because his wife wouldn't give him a blowjob and he was just so frustrated already. My goodness, if a marriage can be saved by a blowjob, then by all means get to work on that cock! That guy was just lucky that he got me. He said that I gave an awesome bj and kept raving about my prowess. Not only that, he also got a marriage counselor with the package.

FB was pleased when I told him all about it. To tell you the truth, I don't understand our relationship. All I know is that we're dating because that's what he said we were.

Back to Home Base

After that primal encounter with E, I felt the need to touch base with FB who is my co-conspirator in all this. It was part of our deal, anyway. He'd be my anchor while I go out exploring. At first, the concept of sharing me didn't sit too well with me then he explained that he liked sharing my pussy with other men because they'd want me but can't have me. So I suppose it's the possessiveness thing too with a little twist on the side. He needs to let them taste me so that when I'm gone, they'll actually know what they're missing and what HE has.

Okay, I kinda get that.

What I didn't expect tonight was ... a haircut. Ha ha. He looked absolutely gorgeous and now I can't believe I am crushing on FB. Not good. Not good at all.

Our session was better because of my little extra-curricular activity, I think. For some reason, I felt more connected to him and he mellowed down on his usual porn-king stance. For the first time in about the two months I've been seeing him, I felt like he was my lover instead of the faceless, generic porn fuck king. We kissed a lot and even when he took me home, we did a bit of kissing before I got down the car.

That crushing thing makes this a bit complicated. For one, it makes me more attracted to him. That's not good. Not especially considering his views about sex. During the drive to his place, I was telling him that I didn't feel too good about this afternoon. I explained my conclusions in the blog before this one and the basic premise was that "sex is just sex". He said that I should stop thinking and enjoy the act for what it is. After getting the experience, I can just forget about it. He said that there were two aspects to this little experiment of ours - mental and physical. The mental part is the connection that the both of us have. What confuses me though is that I'm not sure if all that crap he spouted applies to him as well.

I have a feeling that it probably does. "Just have fun and when it's done, move on to the next adventure." Oh boy. Well, if he continues to look as good as he did tonight, I'm in trouble.

Dangerous Liaisons

This little social sexual experiment that I have going with FB is not as amusing as I thought it would be. First off, he told me that I couldn't see E again. Well, he was okay with me hooking up with E one last time and then I couldn't see him again. I thoroughly enjoyed my time with E so this worked with me.

E is a big black guy with a hooked cock. His living situation is a bit compromised so we had to get a room in a Motel so we could fool around. He's a really nice guy but is not too well off. He's a fine man though and has been treating me well.

I got eaten really good and the bed was soaked. He licked me in all the right places and that was fun. He found out I was a lot ticklish and I loved it when he licked my ears, my nape, my back, that little spot near my hip close to my groin. It was a primal fuck. Lots of growling, biting and screaming (on my part). He even carried me so that my legs were wrapped around his waist. Until today, I thought that would be a physical impossibility, haha.

There were times when I couldn't take it anymore but he locked his head in between my legs and held my hands down so I couldn't push him away. When it was time for him to penetrate me, he teased by getting his cock in me inch by inch. His cock was really big and thick. Consider the fact that I'm naturally tight and you can imagine how that felt. Then when I was close, he pulled out and I had to beg him to get back inside me again. He told me he wouldn't until I behaved. Finally, he gave in and that was that. He wanted me to cum without holding anything back. He thought I did. He said, "now, that's what I was looking for."

Well, I faked it. I don't know what's wrong with me but I can't seem to connect with anyone at all. I know I cum with my vibe. There are times when I cum with FB but I think that was only one time. I just can't seem to cum while doing the deed. Will it be different if I were doing it with someone I had feelings for which were reciprocated? God, I hope so.

My conclusions:

• Sex is just sex. I could continue doing this to satisfy my needs but then again, my vibrator would do the trick just as well.
• I am a squirter. Definitely. Lots of it too. I found out from E that not all women squirt even if their pussy gets eaten the same way.
• Cumming too much gives me a headache.
• I am a cold, unfeeling bitch.
• Men have much more fragile hearts than women (i got this from wholesome conversation with E).
• I don't like sneaking off to have sex in motels. It makes me feel cheap.

Let me end with this refrain again: Sex is just sex. I don't know why people all over the world are obsessed with it and I wonder even more how those people can sustain that obsession. I think it's because I'm more cerebral than most. Cerebral and disconnected. That's why I got into this social experiment in the first place. I knew I needed to connect. I didn't know how. I thought sharing myself intimately with others would help me with it or at least jumpstart it. That's not working. I guess I need someone who cares enough for me to shake me awake. Maybe then I'll believe him.

FB said that he's my partner in the here and now. He seems constantly on the lookout for my next serious relationship to the point that it is starting to get offensive. Why is he in such a hurry to pack me off? Then there are also a lot of friends who caution me not to fall for the guy. Even FB cautions me that we wouldn't work out together. Well, okay then. I don't think that would be such a problem though since my main issue is intimacy. I just don't know how to give myself to someone else wholly, without holding back. Now, I don't know how to make that right.

Limbo Rock

Been thinking about last night. If I was looking for wild, intense, passionate sex, E is definitely my bet. He called me up twice today and I would be less than honest if I didn't say that getting a 44 year old guy scrambling over me didn't do it for me. It's doing wonders for my ego and my self-esteem.

I sent my status report to FB today. I have no idea how he'll react to it and I wish I could see his reaction when he reads it. I'm suspecting either one of two possible scenarios: either the whole thing would turn him on and he'll find it kinky that he shared me with someone else or he would act like any other guy who genuinely likes a girl and turn a bit green at the prospect of someone else invading his turf.

Either way will work fine for me. Of course, it would be better if FB was jealous but if he isn't and he allows me to continue seeing E, I'd have no complaints either. The guy can definitely make me cum.

Still and all, i'm on the edge of my seat waiting for FB's reaction.

Triangulation

FB may have just opened Pandora's Box.

Tonight, I hooked up with E on FB's instruction. I was the screening committee for our prospective threesome. Of course, I was the one who picked out E in the first place. FB has the idea of "sharing" his girl with others and gets his kicks out of knowing that the other guy wants me bad but can never have me. Looks like he got his wish. Well, as far as the wanting me bad part is concerned. The "never can have me" part -- the jury is still out on that one.

I've put myself in a totally delectable situation though. I'd want to process it right now except that my brain is still mush from cumming too much and too hard. When he brought me home, my knees were like jello and I had to stay in the porch for a while to compose myself before coming in and donning the "wholesome" cloak. E knows about the existence of FB. He even knows that FB is the boss of me in our relationship. Still, he wants to up the ante and is ready to be competition. Hmmm.... good for me, bad for FB, eh?

The thing is, the both of them are complete opposites. It's like choosing between chocolate and vanilla when both of them put together would make a delicious parfait. Where FB is detached, E is all soul. What FB won't do sexually with me, E enjoys doing. Where FB is serious, E is silly and makes me laugh half the time. Where FB is devoid of affection and tenderness, E provides. Where FB is porno fuck, E is erotica. In essence, if I graft FB onto E, it would grow into a beautiful tree, ha ha.

Things I've never done before that I got to do tonight:

• orgasm more than six times in a restaurant while trying to keep myself from screaming out loud (yes, the girl in the booth next to us kept looking) and not because he was touching me either. This guy could make me cum by just looking at me. And let me tell you, it was wayyyyyy hot. He was holding my hand while I came and, once, when my whispered moans were threatening to titillate our booth neighbors, he pushed my drink towards me so that I could sip on the straw instead of screaming.
• fondle a man's cock under the table
• get a clit rubdown while trying to keep a straight face in the restaurant
• get licked, sucked, fucked in a car - I now know that it is entirely possible to fog up the windows so bad like that scene in Titanic
• go out with a black man (and get some black cock)

Here's the thing. I don't think FB knows how intimately familiar I am with two guys vying for my affection. I thrive off of it. I know how to play one off the other and the sight of two men fanning out their tail feathers in a mating display is primal. Now, I don't know how in the world that proposed threesome will come along given the cast of characters. I'm not even sure I can mix FB with E. They're both dominant men and I can't help but imagine that it might be like the way my two male dogs fight when there's a bitch in heat around.

I have yet to give FB a status report on my "mission". I need time to think about what will go in that report.

Dead Air

Developments on the fuck buddy front.

I think we're in a gray area again. On the one hand, he says that he's my man and I'm his girl and that's just confusing within the FB paradigm. Then again, despite the fact that I constantly remind him that I know what we have and will not step out of those bounds and that I am looking for an LTR elsewhere (meaning not him), he reminds me, quite unnecessarily of why the both of us "wouldn't work out".

I'm not sure why he keeps bringing that up or why he keeps that "list" anyway. I don't even know why we talk about it. The past few times we have, I wasn't the one who broached the subject.

Here's the thing though. We know we like each other. We both don't know if we like each other enough to do something more other than what we're doing right now. Sometimes when we talk, I wonder if we'll have anything else to talk about other than plotting our next sexcapade. Whenever we do veer off that topic, we get into the topic of relationships or where we are at the moment. I'm not sure if it's just filler for dead air or we're still exploring boundaries.

In one of our trysts, we ended up taking naps together. We were just supposed to rest but he fell asleep with his head on my lap and I ended up with my head on his back and my arm draped across it. I didn't intend to sleep so at first I was just stroking his hair and I really don't know how I ended up dozing beside him. That was nice though.

These days, I'm trying to see what can read in his eyes. There's a playfulness, sometimes lighthearted fondness and then he has this look that I absolutely adore - this half-sleepy, half-sated, wouldn't wanna be anywhere else look.

Part of why he thinks we wouldn't work out is because he claims I'm the type of girl who wouldn't appreciate a surprise trip. He said that he would often surprise the girls he seriously dates (some of them he lived in with) with trips to wherever. They wouldn't need to pack anything (he would pack for her) so he'd just pick her up and go. He says that if that probably happened with me, the first thing I would ask him would be "what did you pack?"

Umm, no. I'd ask him if he packed my blow dryer and brushes, haha. With my wardrobe, I'm pretty sure that he'd manage to throw in something matching in there. Then again, if we were *that* close, he'd have the common sense to throw in my "get go" back which would have anything cosmetically and hygenically essential for me. If he didn't, I would seriously rethink whether or not this guy really knows me and is considerate about my needs.

Anyway, I don't really know how to react whenever he mentions all these other girls that he's taken more seriously than me. I don't know whether to be offended, insulted or jealous that they're the recipient of more attention, effort, love and caring from him than I am at the moment. But I'm done with that. I'm done with comparing myself with other women and feeling bad or unworthy of someone else's affection. I simply refuse to compete because I am enough. If the guy in front of me doesn't realize that, that would be his loss.

I have been more docile that usual with him. I have not asked him for anything. I have not pushed for what I want in this so-called relationship. I have not asked for status. Heck, I have not even asked for lunch. I have been okay with what he's given me so far. I don't nag. I don't try to change him. I don't ask about his past. I'm a willing participant in the fulfillment of his porn fantasies. Hmmm... i don't know what else he could want from me.

Great Expectations

The thing with being 30something is that you more or less know how to manage expectations. When someone blows you off, you take it in stride. Instead of attributing it to the million and one reasons that are running through your head, most of them having to do with shades of rejection and being replaced like an old shoe with a brand new model, you take a deep breath and tell yourself that it's no biggie.

We were supposed to go out today. I got ready and dolled up for him but he didn't turn up. No message, no nothing. Of course, it makes me feel like shit not to mention my loss of face with the folks in the household since they were very much aware that I was preparing to meet up with him but then again, what can I do? The guy had a life before he met me. He has his own loose ends to tie up. He probably has his own romances going for him that I don't know about. That's really the critical phrase there - "that I don't know about". I do not know, hence, I cannot assume the worst or the best.

Well, that doesn't change the fact that I still feel like shit. He was supposed to go to the gym today and then we were supposed to do an erotic fuck today. Then, he just disappeared from the face of the planet.

Being 30 is like a magic balm for soothing wounds like these. You know certain things by now. Like if the guy really wanted to be there, he would. Like if had consideration and respect for your time, he would have called to cancel at the very least. I mean, I'm pretty cool now about changes in schedule. It would have made me livid before but one's got to be flexible when it comes to that. The world doesn't come to a halt just because you want to meet up with someone. And, of course, you learn how to take this in stride. You're happier now that the wait becomes shorter. If it doesn't work out, you know now to move on. You know that you'd rather see the other person happy than demand that they be with you when they'd rather be or do something else.

Me, I'm tired of waiting. That's why I'm not livid right now at how I've been taken forgranted. So, yeah, maybe I'm a bit jaded. I'm tired of jumping hoops and going on that emotional roller coaster ride to unrequited love. I've closed that chapter of my life. So if he's there, he's there. He'll be there if he wants to be there anyway.

So what happens now?

The Quick Brown Fox

We had a date set for tomorrow but all that sexy talk online got us so hot we decided to have a quickie today. The plan was that he'd pick me up, we'd go to his place and do the wham bam thing and then he'd drop me back home again in time for Grey's Anatomy. Oh yes, Thursday is the only night of the week that's non-negotiable for me. Heck, I'd give up hot steamy sex just to see McDreamy once a week.

Quickie was good and not so quick, haha. One hour of quality fucking does not qualify as a quickie in my book (which I define as 15 mins or less). I don't know whether to thank my lucky stars or what that my lover has the stamina of a porn star. Ha ha.

So far, he's the only guy who's openly noticed that I do get hyper a lot. Maybe he's noticed because he's at the other end of the spectrum being Mr. Laidback of the century. Well, given the novelty of the plan today, that made me fairly nervous. Add to that the fact that I'm not really used to someone else calling the shots and that'll make me as jittery as jello.

He was wondering if i'd still be this hyper if we saw each other every day. I forgot my retort to that one but at home, I'm really the epitome of zen. That would be my other half and my other end of the spectrum. I like it quiet. I like it peaceful. I enjoy the silence to mull things over my head and I need a man who will understand my silences as much as my words.

Come to think of it, my lover is such a good looking man. I'm not kidding. When he's on top of me and looks in my eyes, I am awed and amazed that I am there in that moment with that guy. Do you get what I mean? I cease being a participant and become a spectator and marvel at how blue his eyes are, the shape of his face, his lips and his expressions as though I want an imprint in my mind. I want to show him off to the rest of the world but, of course, our arrangement necessitates cover of darkness, haha.

Such a good looking man. Just imagine if I were in love with him and he were in love with me back. The sex would probably be even better than it already is.

Strange Conversations

New twists and turns where my lover is concerned.

Here's the deal. In our quest to find the perfect participant for our little threesome, he suggested this male friend of his. I guess he didn't count on me being a bit more interested than he expected. Well, he said that the guy was pretty good looking, an economist, around his age and currently looking for a girlfriend. Loverboy doesn't want a relationship so I thought he wouldn't mind me exploring this new angle. I mean, I'm fine that he doesn't want to be my BF but just lover and friend but I should have the leeway to find what I'm looking for, right?

Well, apparently not. We got into this sticky conversation afterwards. He said that he can be a BF but he needs a girlfriend who will give him space to be the "lone wolf" kind of guy. Considering that we had that conversation when I was groggy since I just woke up, I didn't get much of it. I didn't see what the issue was, really. For one thing, I'm not pressuring him into a relationship. I know his parameters and respect them. What I don't get is why he doesn't want me to go looking for a boyfriend when he isn't ready to give me that. There's really nothing wrong with "us", although I think it's a bit of progress that he referred to us as an entity but in my book "us" is different from "me and the rest of them". Or am I being hyper-specific here?

I finally had to pass up on Mr.-yummy-economist-with-british-accent because he was obviously threatened and didn't want to let the issue die a natural death. Crap.

I did tell him that since he told me before that he wasn't looking for a relationship that I naturally excluded that possibility with him. Then now he tells me that he's not opposed to it. Seriously, I don't get it. I was fine with the parameters of this thing. It was something that happened under cover of darkness and now he's telling me that we can bring it up to the light. WTF?

Oh yeah, and I also found out that the guy read my previous ad, the one about the LTR. Why didn't he tell me that before? If there was anything in the conversation that made me iffy, despite all the serious discussion, this was it. In relationships like these, I like operating under the radar. That's what the "uncommitted" part of it is about, right? He doesn't get to weigh my potential as a long term partner because that's not on the table.

The guy was sick so we were chatting for most of the day. We finally settled on his long time friend for our kinky participant. I asked him for pictures and when he sent me some, lo and behold, my spider sense spotted a wedding ring on his finger. I almost freaked out but kept my cool. Turns out that lover has been married twice before. No kids though. No wonder he's had it with the whole marriage and romance thing. And I was thinking, is he a serial marry-er? Wouldn' t you have to be deeply in love with those people to want to marry them? I guess that's why he's so jaded. Of course, he didn't want to talk about this part of his life in detail and that's fine with me (see? I'm quite easy to talk to).

Still, bottomline is I may be tired of all the failed romances but I am definitely not yet in the jaded box. I still believe in love, you know. (playing song of the same title from "They're Playing Our Song" in my head) For one thing, I don't know how I could stand being with someone else day in and day out, compromising here and there between what he wants and what I want, without it.

I think we should stick to the sex. If he's that jaded and wants to avoid inadvertently getting into a romance, we should keep it as is - light and above the surface. Keep the three hour limit during trysts. Don't get to know me more. He'll be playing with a fire, if he doesn't and it's a flame I know how to handle. I can walk away from this unscathed but like other men before him, he may not and I don't want to break another heart.

This threesome thing is dangerous too. It's a recurring theme in my relationships. Two men, one me. It's exciting for me but sometimes it gets too serious for the men and in his case, this is his long time buddy. Dangerous ground, I tell you.

Cards on the Table

Wow. I feel as if I'm improving in the relationship arena. At the very least, I'm not as flighty and I don't feel like running towards the door. At least, not yet.

Absence does make the heart grow fonder... and the lovers lustier, ha ha. Yesterday, we had this conversation that almost made me freak out. When that happens, I get the same reaction when I'm faced with a source of a phobia - my breath catches and I take short quick shallow ones, the world starts to spin and most everything is blocked from my mind. All I remember, basically, are the words "permanent", "us", "together". I know. I'm probably weird. These are the words that almost every female who hankers for a long term relationship want to hear. I think I want to hear them too but it's just so alien for me at the moment.

I think that there was even more serious talk today. I'm really at a loss here. Finally, I've met a guy who answers all my questions as forthrightly as possible without even balking. I even asked him why he does that! Isn't he supposed to give me the run around? Whenever he asks me in turn, I really get iffy about it. Heck, I'm the one who keeps asking questions and now he wants me to answer his?

At the very least, I told him that I wanted an LTR eventually. Not necessarily with him because he wants different things, but with someone else. And when I do find that guy, my heart will belong to him as well as other parts of my body. In other words, my most intimate parts are on loan to my FB until such time that my LTR arrives. Does that make sense?

It still feels surreal to me. That whole conversation was surreal if only because it seemed like he genuinely had an interest in what my answers would be.

Wonder where this will go....the sex is great; communication seems to be open and flowing...but that's all I have for now. Hmmmm....

Then Again, Maybe Not

I'm seeing him again tomorrow. So I suppose that I was just paranoid over the weekend. I still don't know what he did during the weekend and when I referred to the email I sent him, he offered no explanation so I'm not pushing it.

There's something about him that I find novel. For one thing, he's the only guy I've ever met who would rather that I say things directly instead of the usual "seduction" dance wherein you say things indirectly and build up the tension by trying to guess what each other is trying to say. We had a discussion about this earlier on. Honestly, I still don't know what to think about it.

On the one hand, it would make things easier because I actually get to say what I really want to say without fear of repercussion. Then again, this really throws me off course because this cat and mouse game is what I'm used to and what I'm good at. It's the seduction of the mind. You need that before you seduce the senses.

He himself is so frank and forthright that I really don't know what to make of it.

Panic Descending

Panic descending - I sort of love that phrase. Leo used it a lot in his letters so it brings back a lot of memories.

Well, enough of the maudlin sentiments. I do feel panic descending if only because I think that my romps with my FB have ended for good. I think he's avoiding me. Tsk. Tsk. That's really too bad. We were having so much fun.

My theories: a) he's probably met a new girl in the past 3 days whom he wants to pursue with his whole body, heart and soul; b) he felt like such a loser when I told him that I haven't cum with him yet that he doesn't want to have anything to do with me; c) he read my other blog and got freaked out at all the drama in my life (in my defense, I never planned to lay all that drama on him anyway... that's one of the benefits of being emotionally unattached); d) he's in a rubber band phase and he needs to distance himself so he can get closer (yeah right... this is only applicable in "normal" relationships; e) he needs to distance himself because he's getting fonder of me that he would like and because it goes against the FB covenant (I wish!!!! hahahah); f) the real him got abducted by aliens and was replaced by a clone and, the mother of all justifications..... g) HE'S JUST NOT INTO ME!

Oh boy. That makes me laugh really. Well, not really laugh but it makes me want to give a wry, sardonic grin. My Incubus situation made me half expect this retraction just when we were having so much fun but even if it was expected, it still sucks just the same. And to think that the last, it was such a light and bubbly and fond and affectionate thing. It even felt like it was sort of the real thing.. but like my best friend said, they're DELUSIONS! hahaha.

Oh well.

Friday Night and the Lights Are Low

I get a little bid sad whenever Friday rolls around and I don't have anything planned. FB and I had vague plans to shag each other tonight but I didn't hear from him and I didn't want to breathe down his neck either. But yes, I am horny and I neeeeeeed him right now.

The fact that he didn't want to meet up today is getting me all paranoid. Maybe he's shagging someone else tonight? Or maybe he's meeting up with someone he genuinely likes and wants to have an LTR with? My imagination is going on overdrive really. What if the other night's rendezvous would be the last shag I'd have from him? (Okay, panic descending.) That would be a bummer since I didn't technically get shagged because it was my TOM and he's not into period sex. Crap.

Anyway, I posted another ad and this time it's for a platonic guy buddy. Yup, strictly platonic. I'm into outsourcing now. Oh and also, I found out that the good doctor is not only a doctor but an author of medical fiction as well. Major plus points. However, when he drove me home after babysitting their kid last night, we did ride in his Porsche Cayenne which turned out to be such a beautiful car but his small talk was waaaaaayyyyy too much like rambling. I mean, did he have to give me so much information about the car's automated suspension and the real estate scenarios in the area vis a vis the US economy? It was a 5 minute drive for crying out loud. We could have stuck to the weather. I was almost tempted to ask, "why are you rambling? you're just supposed to take me home."

So FB might be out on a genuine date tonight and I feel crummy as hell. I don't know if it's because I was anticipating getting fucked tonight or what (it probably is). I just wish I knew for sure. In any case, I have to keep busy this weekend. Or meet a new guy. Distraction is the key.

Million Dollar Question

Today, I forgot a cardinal rule in cross-examination - never ask a question you yourself don't know the answer to.

While chatting with my FB online a couple of hours before our "session", I was foolish enough to ask him this: "Why are you shagging me? Is it just because I'm available?" Of course, my motive behind the question was to find out if he would shag the first girl in a skirt that he sees and to see if I was just a random coincidence in his life.

In fairness, he answered. He said it was because I was his FB and he selected me to be his FB. Hmmm. Vague and neutral. Brilliant, I say.

Then, what I didn't expect was to have the very same question hurled back at me. He asked me why I was fucking him. I told him that I had never thought of asking myself the same thing and that I shagged him for various different reasons. He said that that wasn't an answer and pressed me for one. I tried delaying tactics and spoke about the pleasures I would give him when we'd meet. He got distracted a bit but went back to the question and I quickly said my goodbyes and logged off.

I thought this whole conversation escaped his mind already when we met. On the drive there, he was pressing on about my secret blog (this one) instead. I didn't cave in either. I did find out though that he read some other entries in my public persona blog and I thought, "wow, this guy read what I wrote!" haha.

Anyway, after our first session and during pillow talk recess, he asked me again why I was fucking him. Of course, I still didn't have an answer. I kept on asking him, "You seriously want an answer to that one?" and he said yes. I said, "Now?" and pressured as I was to find an answer out of nowhere I think I said that ... holy crap... I forgot what I said. Oh yeah. My first answer was "companionship" and he laughed. Crap. That was as honest as I could get really. But he thought that was a bogus one so I think I said that I liked doing this with him because he was a nice guy and he didn't make me freak out. He's as laid back as I am highly strung (I think I said this in my previous blog) that he actually balances me out. Otherwise, my flight syndrome would kick in.

So... why am I shagging this stranger? Well, we take care of each other's sexual needs. He's very good looking. I like staring into his deep blue eyes. He doesn't make me feel embarassed about my body. I like exchanging energies with him. Since I'm leaving, I don't have to play games with him in the interest of time. I get massages (very good ones at that) for free. His cum tastes like star apples (one of my favorite fruit). He's smart (although there are occasional spelling hitches but that's typical with Americans). He's got a cute ass. And he's got the sort of personality that would make it possible for him to like him more.

Well, since we're on the topic, let's exhaust it even further. Why haven't I fallen for him yet? Bullet points this time.

• I've learned my lesson before (too many times before) and I'm not offering my heart to just anyone who will take it for free. It's valuable and I need to know how much it's worth to them.
• he hasn't fed me yet - food is another appetite that is very important to me. It's on the same level as sex and it's a category I assess for in the "something more" field.
• I haven't cum with him yet (again, assessing whether my needs will be met)
• he hasn't called me yet without "booty call" entering the picture

There you have it. But I have to hand it to him. I mean, I'm still around, aren't I? I still don't get it why he laughed when I said companionship. And I still don't know what answer he was expecting. What did he want me to say?

My Lover, The Stranger

I'm meeting him again tomorrow and there are butterflies in my stomach again. I was the one who called him up after the Labor Day weekend (yes, I was too impatient to wait for his call but in the interest of time, I thought I'd take initiative). That was such a big step for me since I really don't call any of the guys i'm interested in up.

We talked a bit and I found out that he read my General Patronage blog over at 360. I had an entry there wherein I outlined relationships from my perspective. I didn't say anything revealing but he was asking why I didn't write about our stuff. I told him that my relatives had access to that blog so I had another blog (this one) where all my naughty stuff could be told and I'd still have space for plausible deniability. Ha ha.

He wanted the link to this blog and, of course, I didn't give it. No way. Not when I'm analyzing whatever we have going in my head and writing things down here is helping me process the information. He asked me why I didn't want him to read it and I said that that would take all the fun out of it. He's suppose to at least half guess what I'm thinking! Ha ha.

Anyway....

I hope he never finds this blog. If you ask me why I'm still sticking around, aside from the great sex, it's curiosity really. Since he's practically a stranger to me, I have no frame of reference whatsoever on why he does what he does. What kind of man travels for four hours on a rinky dinky run down bus without airconditioning to buy wooden carving panels in a remote village in Thailand? That's the question of the hour for me. I've also been wondering why this guy's still single. I mean, he's good looking. He's a professional. He's obviously got skills in the bedroom. He's so laid back, he doesn't seem to have any issues. Then again, "seem" is the operative word. It seems so foreign to me that one would just go through life without being anxious about anything since anxiety is almost second nature to me. I can liken him to Dean but that wouldn't be on all fours since Dean lives in a remote farm and despises any form of entertainment that impinges on his solitude. (BTW, Dean hasn't spoken to me since I told him that I got my cherry popped by this guy). He must have some hang-ups or something that he's anal retentive about. The same way that I get a little crazy when the temperature drops or when there's no butter in the house or when the blow dryer conks out and I don't have a spare. There should be something at least that gets his goat. And, really, that's what I mean to ask him tomorrow if we ever do get to hook up. Come to think of it, the guy is probably as laid back as I am highly strung.

Another question festering in my mind is what the heck is he doing with me? Am I just a regular booty call? Am I something that alleviates his boredom? Am I a soothing balm to a prior relationship gone bad? Whatever the answer is, I won't take it personally but it would be nice to know what it is. The thing is, the guy has such a low freak out level that even if I did ask him these questions outright, he would probably answer them. Now, that's disconcerting to me if only because it's such a refreshing change from all the hoops you have to jump through with other guys. Then again, maybe he just doesn't care. Or maybe he's just cruising along like I am at the moment and taking in whatever life throws his way.

I don't know what the real deal is with him. He seems to cater to the WYSIWYG principle and I am just bowled over at how easy going it is when that's put into play. I'm nervous because I'm curious. Does that make any sense? I'm nervous because I don't know if this will stretch on until the time that I'm ready to go back home. I'm nervous because I'm not seeing anyone else aside from him right now and that might give me a skewed perspective.

Oh well. I'm just glad that he's laid back. It just sort of balances me out.

The Chicken and The Egg

Okay, all these cautionary tales are starting to make me obsess about my FB. Half the time I'm worried that I might develop feelings for him and - like the chicken and the egg - it sort of feeds the insanity and triggers feelings!! EEEKK. I was doing so well....

Now I'm thinking whether or not he's fucking anyone behind my back. I know I asked him this the last time we were together and he said that he didn't have time to see anyone else. Prior to this freak out, I would have believed him and left it at that. Heck, I wouldn't even have cared if he said that he was seeing someone. That's what drives me crazy. It would even be better if he said that he does see some other women (okay, no not better but only theoretically better) so that I don't have the expectation that he sees only me.

It's a long weekend because of Labor Day and I'm going camping. He still hasn't figured out what he's going to do but what if he hooks up with someone else? (I know, I shouldn't care)

Okay, I have to stop this. I'm getting paranoid that he's secretly trolling CL for other prey, just like I'm doing. I think it was a very foolish thing to want the lights on just so that I could see his eyes. It was even more foolish for me to have looked into his eyes. No more of that from now on. It's a fuck. That's all it is.

Oh yeah, no more affectionate kisses from me. Just lusty ones.

Third Time's A Charm

It was my third date with my FB tonight. On the whole it was a lot better than the last time, emotionally speaking. I guess, we're getting used to each other and, in a way, the time we spend with each other is more intimate, more fond and affectionate.

Oh, of course, we still have great sex and continue to explore each other's bodies but during the few minutes of respite in between sessions, the pillow talk is becoming more enjoyable.

We have this inside joke of sorts. When I ask him what his job is, he's supposed to say "My job is to fuck you regularly." (which works for me, horny woman that I am). When he asks me the same thing, I'm supposed to say "My job is to be totally obsessed with your cock, swallow your cum and let your cum seep out through my panties." Ha ha.

For someone with a more conventional mindset, they'd probably say that I am on the losing end since he enjoys doing his job so much. But don't get me wrong. We have the perfect job description for each other. I've loved swallowing cum even before I met him. From what I gather from the locker room talk of my male friends, that's not so common. And with this guy, I'm lucky enough because it just so happens that his cum tastes so darn good, I want more of it each time.

I think this will work out fine. If at all, he's the one bringing up "fishing" topics about me dating other men, fucking other men and how long am I going to be here for. Today, he even came in the house because I said I was going to introduce him to my grandparents so that our debauchery would have a semblance of legitimacy. He was dressed for the occasion and it was supposed to go well except for the fact that my grandparents were so shy to meet him, he didn't get to meet anyone at all. Ha ha. Still, in my book, the fact that he made the effort counts a lot.

We did it with the lights on tonight. The guy has got such beautiful baby blues that I could stare into his eyes for a very long time and just drown in them. Oh boyyy.

Fuck Buddies

Fuck Buddies a.k.a. Friends with Benefits.

I'm new to this, really. After 30 years of keeping myself prime virgin territory, I have given the gift of my "prima nupta" to a total stranger who was nice enough to not disappoint after all the wait. To be honest, when I started the ball rolling, I was merely looking for a massage buddy, for someone to share intimate time with, without the hassle of getting too close, too connected, too in each other's faces. Things got out of hand though and this led to that and so the story goes.

I've been gobbling up whatever I could read on the net regarding friends with benefits (FWBs) and in almost every one of them, there's a cautionary tale to be told to the girls who end up expecting more out of the "arrangement". Even if I started out having no expectations whatsoever except for pleasuring each other when we're together, I can't help but wonder if I'm going to fall in that trap myself.

I ask myself, "do I want to get to know him?" and, you know what? I do. Or, "I did" would be more accurate. It's human nature to shoot for the moon. When I met up with him the first time, I was dizzy with possibilities of a relationship. I imagined us going out on dates, hanging out with each other while doing nothing, long drawn out phone calls just because we couldn't get enough of each other. Then, over time, I had more opportunity to observe and to assess the potential of this "arrangement" -- How funny is that? I can't even call this a relationship -- and I realized that he will not offer me anything more than a mouthful of cum and a glass of red wine whenever I come over.

Lucky for him, I'm cool with that. My logic behind this is the "shopping list" mentality. What you need goes on that list. If all of those items can be found at just one store, that's the best. However, if you have to shop somewhere else to complete that list, then you just have to do that until the first store has all the items you need in its inventory.

Here's the thing. This FWB will only work if we both keep our emotional levees working. Is he seeing someone else? Is he attracted to someone else? Is he in love at the moment with someone else? Or even questions like: Is he attracted to me? Does he want to get to know me more? --- I just don't want to get to the point wherein I want to ask them. I don't even think I want to know him too much either. I know myself and I tend to idealize men and romance and fill in the blanks and later on even the world's worst asshole will seem to be the most pristine and immaculate lover in my eyes. So, no. I don't want to go there.

When I told him that it was a fantasy of mine to be a geisha, he said that he wanted me to be his geisha. And today, he will school me in the art of giving a blissful blowjob.

Driven to Distraction

I've been plugged onto the web for a little over two weeks now and I find myself in a hypnotic state, slowly falling, falling, falling for her seductions and enchantments. Now, here I am at work, physically at my desk with my mind flying elsewhere, unable to concentrate because there is a man on the other side of the planet with whom I can connect with on different planes and because my body and my nether regions are sore after I have once transitioned again into "cyber-whore".

Fanning an Old Flame

A couple of days before the year ended, I tried chatting again. It was almost a 7 year sabbatical for me and during those days when I was a cyber-addict, it was a never-ending adventure into virtual debauchery. There were some real-life encounters too.

Now that I’ve logged on again, I noticed that things in cyberspace haven’t changed much. There are still perverts left and right, looking for an easy lay or simulated sexual encounters and there are those that are just plain noisy, shouting above the cyber din just so that their voices be heard, never mind the fact that they have really nothing substantial to say. What I have noticed though is that I’ve changed.

For one thing, my expectations from those I chat with are managed more. My heart doesn’t break every time I get rejected because I realized that I also get to do my own choosing. I get to choose whom to spend my time with and if it is worth spending time on at all. I’m not so eager anymore to “show a piece of flesh” because right now I know what I want and I want more than just my momentary needs fulfilled. I don’t take offense so much anymore with the liars and those who misrepresent themselves because I take what they say with a grain of salt in the first place. I’m less shy in showing myself, my face, because I have nothing to be ashamed of.

I was a netizen before for 4 straight years and through it, I’ve had friends, loves and lovers and I don’t regret any of it. But let me tell you that it feels good coming home with a better sense of self.

One of the nicest people I’ve met so far in this reunion is a 29-year old guy from Austria. He’s a farmer and he has a villa in the province and takes care of cows, buffalos and horses. The farm belongs to his family and he’s had to stop schooling to take charge of the farm. He lives separately from his parents (they live in Salzburg) and most of the time we talk about the things that he wished he could have done to live it up if he didn’t have to spend his life on the farm. He is currently finishing the equivalent of a college degree by taking night classes.

I haven’t told him much of my life or my lifestyle but in contrast to his (which basically means fresh alpine air, rolling green meadows and peace and contentment), my life would sound like the foyer to hell and debauchery what with the drinking, the never ending parties, the smoking, the dancing, the singing in revelry and the spontaneous trips to the beach or to wherever with a group of crazy people just intoxicated with each other’s company.

The funny thing is, he envies this which is just proof that the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. I tried telling him that it wasn’t so great afterwards but for someone who’s never experienced it to say it for himself, I don’t think that would hold much water.

We’ve been getting close and got into a seduction scene last night. It was oh so tempting to backslide on my net resolutions but (proud to say this) I didn’t cave in even if I knew that he’d be sorely disappointed. I did ask him when he begged for leave if it was “for good or for now”. He said it was “for now” but I’m not sure how it will be henceforth. Will I see him again? Will our chats still have the same quality now that I’ve drawn some boundaries? I really don’t know. If things change between us, then of course, I’d be really sad. He was such a sweet, considerate and smart man but then again I know I’ll live. Been there. Done that.