This is my second Thanksgiving here in the US. Somehow, this time around, there's really not a lot to be thankful for compared to last year. I'm estranged from my family. I've been run out of home and country. I have a ton of debt which I don't know how to pay for. I still don't have a love life or... wait, let me rephrase that... I still don't have someone who loves me and cares for me in a romantic sense. My darling dog died. I can't manage a really good smile because some dork thought it was amusing to throw a rock through our window and hit me on the face with it and to top it all off, I still have no idea how I'm going to stay on here.
I'm panicking already. Worse, I am paralyzed by panic like I'm in the last two minutes of a basketball game and there's really not much you can do to shorten the lead of the opponent because the clock is ticking and there isn't much time.
PK is the last stand, really. For the first time in my life, I don't have a plan B. I was going to work on it as soon as he left for Thailand but then I had to heal from my injury and then the vacationers came on over. Still, even if those things didn't happen, I couldn't in good faith look for someone else because PK was in my garden. My loyalties lie with him. My fear is that it is misplaced.
I've gone on this quest for the Holy Grail for a couple of years now. I've been told over and over again, build it and they will come. So I set myself up to be ready for him whom I was going to spend my life with. And yet, I come up with nothing.
I envy my friends who have found their special someones. But I really don't know how to do relationships. I don't know how to dance that dance. I've prayed for succor from the heavens to help me out with this but it seems God has more important things to attend to. So I really don't know what to do. I just keep on praying and praying now. I don't know what else to do.
Friday, November 23, 2007
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
Surgeon Fuck
Okay, my face isn't too bad now and I can present myself privately to strangers again. I set up this rendezvous when PK was still in Thailand. Doc wanted a "private examination" fantasy and I was very willing to play the role of erotic patient. Turns out that he's a real doctor, a vascular surgeon, in fact, so I told him about my injury and he said he'd take a look at it.
He came with flowers in one hand and a wine in the other. He had a black doctor's bag with him and he made me put on a medical examination robe. Waaaayyy fun. Of course, he really did examine me first, putting the stethoscope all over me and checking my reflexes with that implement that looks like a tool from the Flintstones. I could see his rock hard cock pushing its way through his scrubs and like the horny patient that I was, I rubbed his cock until I could see pre-cum seep through his pants.
Well, things got steamier after that so we fucked and fucked again. Rode him, from behind, on my side, missionary. His cock really wasn't that big but he fucked me good. I probably would have enjoyed it if he had a bigger cock but then again, he gave a mean backrub which I thoroughly enjoyed.
Turns out he's also 100% Italian so when we were just wrapping up, we chatted over cheeserolls and exchanged a couple of Italian phrases. He speaks fluently and I was so glad that I understood him even if I couldn't speak it (my brain has to be on Italian mode for that).
This guy's 60 and apparently he's a bigshot in the hospital he works at. His wife gave him permission to have an affair because she's not interested in sex anymore. She's 55 and menopaused already. He has three kids -- one is a PGA golf pro, the other is a sports therapist. I forgot what the eldest one does.
While we were talking, he told me that this was what he missed the most with his wife -- the passion, the excitement, the orgasms which she didn't have anymore. He was a sweet man. I wouldn't mind seeing him again.
He came with flowers in one hand and a wine in the other. He had a black doctor's bag with him and he made me put on a medical examination robe. Waaaayyy fun. Of course, he really did examine me first, putting the stethoscope all over me and checking my reflexes with that implement that looks like a tool from the Flintstones. I could see his rock hard cock pushing its way through his scrubs and like the horny patient that I was, I rubbed his cock until I could see pre-cum seep through his pants.
Well, things got steamier after that so we fucked and fucked again. Rode him, from behind, on my side, missionary. His cock really wasn't that big but he fucked me good. I probably would have enjoyed it if he had a bigger cock but then again, he gave a mean backrub which I thoroughly enjoyed.
Turns out he's also 100% Italian so when we were just wrapping up, we chatted over cheeserolls and exchanged a couple of Italian phrases. He speaks fluently and I was so glad that I understood him even if I couldn't speak it (my brain has to be on Italian mode for that).
This guy's 60 and apparently he's a bigshot in the hospital he works at. His wife gave him permission to have an affair because she's not interested in sex anymore. She's 55 and menopaused already. He has three kids -- one is a PGA golf pro, the other is a sports therapist. I forgot what the eldest one does.
While we were talking, he told me that this was what he missed the most with his wife -- the passion, the excitement, the orgasms which she didn't have anymore. He was a sweet man. I wouldn't mind seeing him again.
Thursday, November 15, 2007
Heaven and Hell
One person's heaven is always another person's hell.
My grieving for Moo has been sorely interrupted by an unexpected visit from my mom and sisters. They came for my grandmother's birthday. They stayed for two weeks.
The rest of the family was just ecstatic they were here. The circus had just come to town and every day was whirlwind of activity, filled with things to do, places to visit, photographs to take, food to eat.
It was meant to be a surprise, even to me. When I first saw them though, the first thing I said was "Why are you here?". And I meant it. They had invaded my sanctuary when I had not even begun to properly heal yet. How could they expect me to do cartwheels in their presence when here was the person who turned me away when I had no place to go, could not find the kindness in her heart to ask how I was, or what could be done to help when my world was crumbling?
Moo's murderer, my other sister, came next. She brought his ashes with her and so my darling Moo has finally come home to me. It was the least she could do. In my mind and in my heart, she will always be guilty of infidelity in the custody of my most precious trust. I trusted her with half my heart and she did not look after it with the care I expected her to give during her watch. Her unnecessary confusion at what to do with her life and with a standing obligation regarding Moo translated into one thing for my little booger. All he knew and felt was that he was unwanted and that he was such a burden. Everybody else in that house probably wished him gone, too, just so that my sister wouldn't have such a dilemma. He probably thought that I had also abandoned him, left him to fend himself with the wolves by his lonesome and knowing that, my little darling did not have any strength in him left to bid his heart to keep beating. They killed Moo the same way they killed me. He died of a broken heart.
What do you say to those who killed your loved one? What do you do when they treat the loss as though I've just lost a pen and not someone who shared my life with me for a good seven years and kept me company when none of them did? What do you do when you come face to face with those who have ruined your life as you know it?
I had a plan, you know. A plan as crazy-ass as doing a sommersault on a tightrope the success of which relied mostly on balance and a good sense of timing. It was a big risk because I was gunning for even bigger results and the timid do not reap that reward. And in the middle of its execution, those I had trusted to watch my back for me not only shook the poles that held the tightrope; they took away the safety net, too. And I fell. Face first. The unexpected betrayal left me with a disfigured face and a host of internal injuries. The latter is worse.
So what do you say to them when they suddenly come into focus out of your peripheral vision and carry themselves as though your life's tragedies which they proximately caused was yesterday's news and not worthy of a second glance?
There is absolutely nothing to say. To see them again was like scratching an open wound. Everything's changed and yet, everything stayed the same. Different place, different country, same people. They still ignored me. They still left me behind. They still couldn't have cared less at what became of me. Worse, they did not even acknowledge the death of my dearest, as though that occurence was as commonplace as taking a crap.
Those two weeks were hellish for me. So I slept and slept and wished that I wouldn't wake up the next day. I am angry and yet utterly exhausted. How dare all of you pretend nothing happened? How dare all of you carry on so casually? How dare you say you love me when I am descending madly into a vortex and you won't even try to reach out your hand to me to keep me from falling?
I still love them, I think. Probably in the deep recesses of my heart which I have enclosed for the moment, temporarily shut down because the vital parts in me have yet to be resuscitated. My heart remains hard, cold, round and jagged as the rock that hit me in the face. Occasionally, I turn inward and check for some feeling there but finding none, I decide to best leave it be. It would have been kinder if they had just killed me than left me for dead, barely breathing. I so longed to turn to my mom and tell her that if I had known this was the way things would turn out, that I wished she wouldn't have borne me at all. I couldn't bear to say it because the words wouldn't come out. I hurt and I ache so deep inside me that I may need help to bring it out. That's why I'm writing. I need to spew out all the hurt, the anger, the pain in the only way I know how because it's eating me from the inside and I'm afraid that one day I'll wake up and I won't recognize myself. And the thing is, I liked myself before all this happened. I loved my life as I knew it. It was far from complete but I had enough to keep me looking forward to the next day.
I have been trying to remember the last time I was with my mom and sisters and I felt happy. We'd all be laughing, most probably at each other, and Moo would get passed around to be hugged and kissed by everyone. That moment escapes my memory now. I cannot call it forth because it is locked away, like all those other moments of fonder times still yet unstained by betrayal of confidences, still yet untried and untested by the ominous question that usually follows such tragedies -- what would love do now?
In the aftermath of the muteness of their reply, I dare not bring those memories out. Let me keep them for a while to draw on during happier times. To bring them out now would dissipate them and dilute their value when placed side by side, in stark contrast with the question they so miserably failed to answer.
Before my mom left, she gave me a book in which she wrote a note inside. She said, "Be assured of our continued love and care for you for we truly care for you and truly love you." Before she got on the plane, she bid me good luck. Nice as they are to hear, they ring hollow to my ears. Empty words for now. You say you love me. Tell me those words again when you are willing to do more than just say it. Tell me those words when you are ready to ask me how I am and are brave enough to sit there and listen to me speak of the pain that you have caused me and still be willing to embrace me after. Say it when you are ready to help me heal because I cannot do this on my own. Until you acknowledge the part you played in my disintegration, a part of me will always be dead.
As for my sister, I reached out to her while she was here and we actually got to talk. We covered a lot of ground and I thought that we could actually begin rebuilding our relationship but right after the talk, she stonewalled me again. Where she got the nerve to feel as though she could take the high road with me when she killed my dearest, I don't know. Where she got the gall to say all those things to me before coming here only to not be able to say them to my face, I don't know. But really, the gall and the nerve.
Because we were close before, I was ready to forgive and put a good faith effort at rebuilding ties. That's why I reached out but in the state and the situation I'm in, I can only do so much. If she expects me to cajole her out of her silence because she's "baby girl" which is what her beau (who's still alive, btw. Yes, I didn't kill him or wish him dead when I was cracking under pressure) calls her, she can go fuck herself. That kind of arrogance is the surest path to infanticide. During our talk when I asked her why she hasn't been speaking to me ever since she arrived, she claimed fear instead of pride. Ever since we've cleared the air (or so I thought), she still stonewalled. Now, whether it's fear or it's pride, I don't give a fucking rat's ass.
I entrusted my most precious and dearest with you. Even when we were arguing and I capitulated and even begged you to promise to take care of him, you arrogantly said that you wouldn't promise me that. Then, after all the hoopla, you bring him home to me in a box. You don't know how hard it is to even acknowledge the existence of the person who took so much away from you. And yet, I still tried. So if you feel that it's difficult to make small talk, to share yourself, to try to get past this by opening lines of communication, TRY FUCKING HARDER. You killed my dog. You took from me. YOU TRY FUCKING HARDER. It’s going to take a while because I have nothing left to give now. The only joy that remained in my life, you took away. So you try and you keep at it until the walls come tumbling down. And don’t you dare pretend that all I’ve lost was just a pen. You cry with me. You hold my hand. You grieve with me because you, of all people, knew how much I loved him. And I will forgive you. I will welcome you with open arms and thank the heavens that you’re my sister because that’s what love would do.
You have so much before you that I want to be happy for. I want to but I can’t. Not yet. Not until. Not before.
My grieving for Moo has been sorely interrupted by an unexpected visit from my mom and sisters. They came for my grandmother's birthday. They stayed for two weeks.
The rest of the family was just ecstatic they were here. The circus had just come to town and every day was whirlwind of activity, filled with things to do, places to visit, photographs to take, food to eat.
It was meant to be a surprise, even to me. When I first saw them though, the first thing I said was "Why are you here?". And I meant it. They had invaded my sanctuary when I had not even begun to properly heal yet. How could they expect me to do cartwheels in their presence when here was the person who turned me away when I had no place to go, could not find the kindness in her heart to ask how I was, or what could be done to help when my world was crumbling?
Moo's murderer, my other sister, came next. She brought his ashes with her and so my darling Moo has finally come home to me. It was the least she could do. In my mind and in my heart, she will always be guilty of infidelity in the custody of my most precious trust. I trusted her with half my heart and she did not look after it with the care I expected her to give during her watch. Her unnecessary confusion at what to do with her life and with a standing obligation regarding Moo translated into one thing for my little booger. All he knew and felt was that he was unwanted and that he was such a burden. Everybody else in that house probably wished him gone, too, just so that my sister wouldn't have such a dilemma. He probably thought that I had also abandoned him, left him to fend himself with the wolves by his lonesome and knowing that, my little darling did not have any strength in him left to bid his heart to keep beating. They killed Moo the same way they killed me. He died of a broken heart.
What do you say to those who killed your loved one? What do you do when they treat the loss as though I've just lost a pen and not someone who shared my life with me for a good seven years and kept me company when none of them did? What do you do when you come face to face with those who have ruined your life as you know it?
I had a plan, you know. A plan as crazy-ass as doing a sommersault on a tightrope the success of which relied mostly on balance and a good sense of timing. It was a big risk because I was gunning for even bigger results and the timid do not reap that reward. And in the middle of its execution, those I had trusted to watch my back for me not only shook the poles that held the tightrope; they took away the safety net, too. And I fell. Face first. The unexpected betrayal left me with a disfigured face and a host of internal injuries. The latter is worse.
So what do you say to them when they suddenly come into focus out of your peripheral vision and carry themselves as though your life's tragedies which they proximately caused was yesterday's news and not worthy of a second glance?
There is absolutely nothing to say. To see them again was like scratching an open wound. Everything's changed and yet, everything stayed the same. Different place, different country, same people. They still ignored me. They still left me behind. They still couldn't have cared less at what became of me. Worse, they did not even acknowledge the death of my dearest, as though that occurence was as commonplace as taking a crap.
Those two weeks were hellish for me. So I slept and slept and wished that I wouldn't wake up the next day. I am angry and yet utterly exhausted. How dare all of you pretend nothing happened? How dare all of you carry on so casually? How dare you say you love me when I am descending madly into a vortex and you won't even try to reach out your hand to me to keep me from falling?
I still love them, I think. Probably in the deep recesses of my heart which I have enclosed for the moment, temporarily shut down because the vital parts in me have yet to be resuscitated. My heart remains hard, cold, round and jagged as the rock that hit me in the face. Occasionally, I turn inward and check for some feeling there but finding none, I decide to best leave it be. It would have been kinder if they had just killed me than left me for dead, barely breathing. I so longed to turn to my mom and tell her that if I had known this was the way things would turn out, that I wished she wouldn't have borne me at all. I couldn't bear to say it because the words wouldn't come out. I hurt and I ache so deep inside me that I may need help to bring it out. That's why I'm writing. I need to spew out all the hurt, the anger, the pain in the only way I know how because it's eating me from the inside and I'm afraid that one day I'll wake up and I won't recognize myself. And the thing is, I liked myself before all this happened. I loved my life as I knew it. It was far from complete but I had enough to keep me looking forward to the next day.
I have been trying to remember the last time I was with my mom and sisters and I felt happy. We'd all be laughing, most probably at each other, and Moo would get passed around to be hugged and kissed by everyone. That moment escapes my memory now. I cannot call it forth because it is locked away, like all those other moments of fonder times still yet unstained by betrayal of confidences, still yet untried and untested by the ominous question that usually follows such tragedies -- what would love do now?
In the aftermath of the muteness of their reply, I dare not bring those memories out. Let me keep them for a while to draw on during happier times. To bring them out now would dissipate them and dilute their value when placed side by side, in stark contrast with the question they so miserably failed to answer.
Before my mom left, she gave me a book in which she wrote a note inside. She said, "Be assured of our continued love and care for you for we truly care for you and truly love you." Before she got on the plane, she bid me good luck. Nice as they are to hear, they ring hollow to my ears. Empty words for now. You say you love me. Tell me those words again when you are willing to do more than just say it. Tell me those words when you are ready to ask me how I am and are brave enough to sit there and listen to me speak of the pain that you have caused me and still be willing to embrace me after. Say it when you are ready to help me heal because I cannot do this on my own. Until you acknowledge the part you played in my disintegration, a part of me will always be dead.
As for my sister, I reached out to her while she was here and we actually got to talk. We covered a lot of ground and I thought that we could actually begin rebuilding our relationship but right after the talk, she stonewalled me again. Where she got the nerve to feel as though she could take the high road with me when she killed my dearest, I don't know. Where she got the gall to say all those things to me before coming here only to not be able to say them to my face, I don't know. But really, the gall and the nerve.
Because we were close before, I was ready to forgive and put a good faith effort at rebuilding ties. That's why I reached out but in the state and the situation I'm in, I can only do so much. If she expects me to cajole her out of her silence because she's "baby girl" which is what her beau (who's still alive, btw. Yes, I didn't kill him or wish him dead when I was cracking under pressure) calls her, she can go fuck herself. That kind of arrogance is the surest path to infanticide. During our talk when I asked her why she hasn't been speaking to me ever since she arrived, she claimed fear instead of pride. Ever since we've cleared the air (or so I thought), she still stonewalled. Now, whether it's fear or it's pride, I don't give a fucking rat's ass.
I entrusted my most precious and dearest with you. Even when we were arguing and I capitulated and even begged you to promise to take care of him, you arrogantly said that you wouldn't promise me that. Then, after all the hoopla, you bring him home to me in a box. You don't know how hard it is to even acknowledge the existence of the person who took so much away from you. And yet, I still tried. So if you feel that it's difficult to make small talk, to share yourself, to try to get past this by opening lines of communication, TRY FUCKING HARDER. You killed my dog. You took from me. YOU TRY FUCKING HARDER. It’s going to take a while because I have nothing left to give now. The only joy that remained in my life, you took away. So you try and you keep at it until the walls come tumbling down. And don’t you dare pretend that all I’ve lost was just a pen. You cry with me. You hold my hand. You grieve with me because you, of all people, knew how much I loved him. And I will forgive you. I will welcome you with open arms and thank the heavens that you’re my sister because that’s what love would do.
You have so much before you that I want to be happy for. I want to but I can’t. Not yet. Not until. Not before.
Sunday, August 19, 2007
Spy Sisters
My sisters have been playing detective the past couple of days. This time they found a briefcase hidden in dad's closet and they were able to crack it open. Inside they found two guns, one with seven bullets (his lucky number), several envelopes with a woman's name and an amount written outside. They also found several passbooks and checkbooks. There were cheques written out to 2 suspicious females, one Indian guy and the passbooks amounted to millions. It amazes me how much this guy is hoarding.
Oh yeah, my sister said that inside that briefcase of secrets was a letter from me when I was much younger. It said something like, "Dad, Can you please buy me more clothes for my birthday? I don't need toys anymore because I already have lots of those and I don't know where to put them anymore."
The fact that he kept that letter is sort of sweet. And I'm bewildered myself what happened between then and now for things to have gotten this way between us. I think it started when he got into politics and everyone else became more important to him than me. I mean, that's if you sift the ultimate facts from the chaff, that is. Maybe that's why I hated politics so much. Basically, it took him away from me. So yes, at one point in my life, I was daddy's girl. Then it hurt so much that I had to shut down, shun him out, stop working for his approval which never seemed like it was coming in order to preserve myself.
Then now, this. How sad.
Oh yeah, my sister said that inside that briefcase of secrets was a letter from me when I was much younger. It said something like, "Dad, Can you please buy me more clothes for my birthday? I don't need toys anymore because I already have lots of those and I don't know where to put them anymore."
The fact that he kept that letter is sort of sweet. And I'm bewildered myself what happened between then and now for things to have gotten this way between us. I think it started when he got into politics and everyone else became more important to him than me. I mean, that's if you sift the ultimate facts from the chaff, that is. Maybe that's why I hated politics so much. Basically, it took him away from me. So yes, at one point in my life, I was daddy's girl. Then it hurt so much that I had to shut down, shun him out, stop working for his approval which never seemed like it was coming in order to preserve myself.
Then now, this. How sad.
The Long Wait is Over
GB finally got his ass over here, whewwww!!!!
I still can't fuck anyone else because my Destiny Adviser said that would mess with my karma so after almost 2 months of not getting any (from anyone else, of course, i've had lots of self love), I finally got fucked well and good.
He was supposed to arrive last month but his mom had a stroke and he and his brother had to take turns watching over her. Anyway, he's here now and when we met up, we just went at it. He fucked me from behind, over and over again, deep and slow and then reallllll deep. I was so sore the next day.
I slept over but didn't get much sleep. So we took two days off to "recuperate". In the meantime, my life crashed around me. I found out that my dad has two other families (with kids), that I'm being evicted, and that I need to scoot over to the US for good in about two months. Such a lot of things on my mind that I hardly slept at all. Oh yeah, Friday night I went out with my friends (Jenny's despedida). That was fun but I still feel like an outsider. Typhoon Egay was raging and so Joey and Jerome ended up spending the night in my place since they got stranded by floods and couldn't go home.
Last night, I badly needed company so I scooted over to his hotel room. We didn't have sex but it was, in my opinion, way better. I told him about my concerns while we were spooning with each other and holding hands. He was also tired from working the entire time and he showed me the pics of the mall he was designing and those that he's done in other countries. Oh, during our first night, he showed me pics of his sons and his ex-wife, his house, his car and other stuff.
So the plan was to take a nap and then wake up for some amazing sex but I think we were both tired and needed sleep so just slept together. Then in the middle of the night, he woke up. He started saying something that went like "Earlier on in the evening we were talking about my bearings...." (I was like wha??? what is this guy talking about? is he mistaking me for some other girl he went out with earlier this evening?) "like my boat....", he went on. I still couldn't follow the conversation because I was half asleep and wondering whether or not he was really talking to me or what. I said, "M, are you talking in your sleep?" and he said, "No." Then he said, "I still don't know how to say this properly" and "I don't think I can say it yet".
So I just reassured him that he would eventually figure out how to say it. But *that* kept me awake. So I just went for a bathroom break and when I got out of the bathroom, I said, "M, are you sure you're talking to me? I'm the one who's with you tonight." And he goes, "Yes, I was talking to you (and then he says my name)."
Well, that was strange. I've asked my destiny adviser what it meant and all she told me was to go ask him about it. I have no idea if what he meant to say was good or bad or has nothing to do with our "relationship" at all. He might have been talking about boats for real, for crying out loud. But if he were, what would it be about boats that would be difficult to say? He did say that we would continue meeting so I think you could safely eliminate the "we can't see each other again" sort of conversation. Or maybe it could have been an "I don't want to see anyone seriously" conversation or, on the more positive side, an "i'm beginning to like you" sort of talk. I really don't know but I'll be asking him about it. For one thing, if I don't, this will keep haunting my thoughts, lol.
Okay, I know I have to write that motion for extension of time letter and I've been putting it off. It's like I'm in denial and all I want to do is just sleep and sleep.
I still can't fuck anyone else because my Destiny Adviser said that would mess with my karma so after almost 2 months of not getting any (from anyone else, of course, i've had lots of self love), I finally got fucked well and good.
He was supposed to arrive last month but his mom had a stroke and he and his brother had to take turns watching over her. Anyway, he's here now and when we met up, we just went at it. He fucked me from behind, over and over again, deep and slow and then reallllll deep. I was so sore the next day.
I slept over but didn't get much sleep. So we took two days off to "recuperate". In the meantime, my life crashed around me. I found out that my dad has two other families (with kids), that I'm being evicted, and that I need to scoot over to the US for good in about two months. Such a lot of things on my mind that I hardly slept at all. Oh yeah, Friday night I went out with my friends (Jenny's despedida). That was fun but I still feel like an outsider. Typhoon Egay was raging and so Joey and Jerome ended up spending the night in my place since they got stranded by floods and couldn't go home.
Last night, I badly needed company so I scooted over to his hotel room. We didn't have sex but it was, in my opinion, way better. I told him about my concerns while we were spooning with each other and holding hands. He was also tired from working the entire time and he showed me the pics of the mall he was designing and those that he's done in other countries. Oh, during our first night, he showed me pics of his sons and his ex-wife, his house, his car and other stuff.
So the plan was to take a nap and then wake up for some amazing sex but I think we were both tired and needed sleep so just slept together. Then in the middle of the night, he woke up. He started saying something that went like "Earlier on in the evening we were talking about my bearings...." (I was like wha??? what is this guy talking about? is he mistaking me for some other girl he went out with earlier this evening?) "like my boat....", he went on. I still couldn't follow the conversation because I was half asleep and wondering whether or not he was really talking to me or what. I said, "M, are you talking in your sleep?" and he said, "No." Then he said, "I still don't know how to say this properly" and "I don't think I can say it yet".
So I just reassured him that he would eventually figure out how to say it. But *that* kept me awake. So I just went for a bathroom break and when I got out of the bathroom, I said, "M, are you sure you're talking to me? I'm the one who's with you tonight." And he goes, "Yes, I was talking to you (and then he says my name)."
Well, that was strange. I've asked my destiny adviser what it meant and all she told me was to go ask him about it. I have no idea if what he meant to say was good or bad or has nothing to do with our "relationship" at all. He might have been talking about boats for real, for crying out loud. But if he were, what would it be about boats that would be difficult to say? He did say that we would continue meeting so I think you could safely eliminate the "we can't see each other again" sort of conversation. Or maybe it could have been an "I don't want to see anyone seriously" conversation or, on the more positive side, an "i'm beginning to like you" sort of talk. I really don't know but I'll be asking him about it. For one thing, if I don't, this will keep haunting my thoughts, lol.
Okay, I know I have to write that motion for extension of time letter and I've been putting it off. It's like I'm in denial and all I want to do is just sleep and sleep.
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
What the....???
Okay. I don't know why all of a sudden my love life has stopped to a screeching halt. They all just disintegrated into thin air. PK's gone, GB's not responding to my emails and DD...well, that one isn't news, I haven't heard from him in quite a while.
I've been spending time with AT but I don't think he's romantically interested in me. He initially contacted me for tagalog tutorials and me being the nice person that I am, I acquiesced. In turn, I made him my virtual personal trainer. So in between language lessons and my fitness program, we find lots to talk about.
Still and all, I have no idea what happened to these men that I'm rendezvouing with. I was about to fall into another "nothing is going to happen to my love life" depression again when I caught myself in the brink of time and picked myself up before falling into that decrepit hole again. Yes, it does get lonely. Yes, I wish there was someone out there who gave a shit that I existed. Yes, I wish I were a hottie so it would be easier to get men interested in me... but right now, there's no one there. There's only me. And that's who I'll be working on for now.
It's like what they said in CWG, Masters always pick the same thing over and over again. And since I said that this year I would love myself the most, I PICK ME. I LOVE ME. I won't let some inconsiderate oaf make me feel bad about myself. I am beautiful. I am sexy. I am smart. I am witty. I am worthy of love. and... even if I'm not that conscious of it all the time, I AM LOVED. I AM ENOUGH. I just want to be better. Because I want to. For me. And if I see PK again and I am such a hot babe, I will make him drool. And beg for it. But I want him to see me fuck someone else first. Then I'll think about getting it on with him. Ha ha. And if he doesn't want me, who cares? I'll be a hot babe. Everyone will want me. (okay, a bit overboard there... haha)
I AM HAPPY GIRL. So whenever I feel down and out, all I have to do, as said in CWG, is to THINK AGAIN. Change the sponsoring thought. And my sponsoring thought is LOVE. I AM RICH. I AM WEALTHY. I AM BEAUTIFUL. I AM LOVED. Like KK said, I just have to do my time. Everything comes in good time. I am destined for it.
So there, I am changing my thought about being sad that no one's here. Let's see what my destiny adviser will tell me Friday.
I've been spending time with AT but I don't think he's romantically interested in me. He initially contacted me for tagalog tutorials and me being the nice person that I am, I acquiesced. In turn, I made him my virtual personal trainer. So in between language lessons and my fitness program, we find lots to talk about.
Still and all, I have no idea what happened to these men that I'm rendezvouing with. I was about to fall into another "nothing is going to happen to my love life" depression again when I caught myself in the brink of time and picked myself up before falling into that decrepit hole again. Yes, it does get lonely. Yes, I wish there was someone out there who gave a shit that I existed. Yes, I wish I were a hottie so it would be easier to get men interested in me... but right now, there's no one there. There's only me. And that's who I'll be working on for now.
It's like what they said in CWG, Masters always pick the same thing over and over again. And since I said that this year I would love myself the most, I PICK ME. I LOVE ME. I won't let some inconsiderate oaf make me feel bad about myself. I am beautiful. I am sexy. I am smart. I am witty. I am worthy of love. and... even if I'm not that conscious of it all the time, I AM LOVED. I AM ENOUGH. I just want to be better. Because I want to. For me. And if I see PK again and I am such a hot babe, I will make him drool. And beg for it. But I want him to see me fuck someone else first. Then I'll think about getting it on with him. Ha ha. And if he doesn't want me, who cares? I'll be a hot babe. Everyone will want me. (okay, a bit overboard there... haha)
I AM HAPPY GIRL. So whenever I feel down and out, all I have to do, as said in CWG, is to THINK AGAIN. Change the sponsoring thought. And my sponsoring thought is LOVE. I AM RICH. I AM WEALTHY. I AM BEAUTIFUL. I AM LOVED. Like KK said, I just have to do my time. Everything comes in good time. I am destined for it.
So there, I am changing my thought about being sad that no one's here. Let's see what my destiny adviser will tell me Friday.
Sunday, July 08, 2007
The Bell Jar
It sucks being alone. It's even worse when you feel sick or there's something wrong with you and you have no one to turn to for help. Even worse than that is when you tell the people around you that you think something's wrong and no one gives a shit.
I've been having intermittent pain in my lower right abdomen since last night. I thought it was a glitch so I ignored it but it's been reminding me about its existence every so often that if my tummy was any bigger than it is right now, i'd mistake them for labor contractions. So I just got back from Carlo's bday lunch and Die Hard 4.0 and i'd like to rest for a bit before I start working. Yeah, deadline again.
Oh, and another thing. Today I wanted to die.
I don't know if my pain is psychosomatic and is a manifestation of my emotional state but it seems that way. The last time my ovaries acted up, I was in the middle of a nervous breakdown. I'm not there yet but I think i'm getting there. This is the time when you begin to understand why love or the lack of it brings all sorts of tragedies.
To sum it all up, I am in love with PK who will never love me back. My other prospects are missing in action save for the newest one, Ashton. DD is MIA, GB is MIA too. PK has another girl. So i'm left all alone again. That's sad.
I'd like to see my destiny adviser again to get a wee bit of hope if there is some over the horizon but I also have a bone to pick with her. Every time she tells me something, I'm filled with hope, excitement, radiating with expected joy and the anticipation of happiness and I end up following her advice then it doesn't pan out. And I become a useless deflated balloon again. It's tiring and I can't take it anymore.
I think meeting PK really was my karma. If he is like my dad, then he is a negative influence on me. Look where I am right now? I've never felt this hopeless and despondent. And I know that even if I am, the world doesn't feel the same. It will still keep on turning whatever happens to me.
I know all the rah rah phrases -- claim your destiny. If you come across a bump in the road and you think you won't come across the love, happiness and success that you deserve, think again. The end is assured. I know all that but today they just ring hollow for me. I'm going to lie down after this and think whether waking up is a good idea.
I also need to see my Destiny Adviser and ask her the million dollar question that may be against her interest to answer me honestly: Is constantly seeing her changing my destiny?
To be honest with you, I'm starting to feel like a failure. It's not a good feeling at all.
I've been having intermittent pain in my lower right abdomen since last night. I thought it was a glitch so I ignored it but it's been reminding me about its existence every so often that if my tummy was any bigger than it is right now, i'd mistake them for labor contractions. So I just got back from Carlo's bday lunch and Die Hard 4.0 and i'd like to rest for a bit before I start working. Yeah, deadline again.
Oh, and another thing. Today I wanted to die.
I don't know if my pain is psychosomatic and is a manifestation of my emotional state but it seems that way. The last time my ovaries acted up, I was in the middle of a nervous breakdown. I'm not there yet but I think i'm getting there. This is the time when you begin to understand why love or the lack of it brings all sorts of tragedies.
To sum it all up, I am in love with PK who will never love me back. My other prospects are missing in action save for the newest one, Ashton. DD is MIA, GB is MIA too. PK has another girl. So i'm left all alone again. That's sad.
I'd like to see my destiny adviser again to get a wee bit of hope if there is some over the horizon but I also have a bone to pick with her. Every time she tells me something, I'm filled with hope, excitement, radiating with expected joy and the anticipation of happiness and I end up following her advice then it doesn't pan out. And I become a useless deflated balloon again. It's tiring and I can't take it anymore.
I think meeting PK really was my karma. If he is like my dad, then he is a negative influence on me. Look where I am right now? I've never felt this hopeless and despondent. And I know that even if I am, the world doesn't feel the same. It will still keep on turning whatever happens to me.
I know all the rah rah phrases -- claim your destiny. If you come across a bump in the road and you think you won't come across the love, happiness and success that you deserve, think again. The end is assured. I know all that but today they just ring hollow for me. I'm going to lie down after this and think whether waking up is a good idea.
I also need to see my Destiny Adviser and ask her the million dollar question that may be against her interest to answer me honestly: Is constantly seeing her changing my destiny?
To be honest with you, I'm starting to feel like a failure. It's not a good feeling at all.
Profiling
Very enlightening day, really. I have a new friend I am in a "chat-ship" with (he coined the term, the word was alien to me before this) and in the process of getting-to-know you, I was trying to explain how my relationship with my dad affected my present relationships.
He kept on saying that I would eventually want someone who was like my dad. I said, I hardly like my dad, why would I want to end up with someone like him?
Well, the conversation went this way and that and while I was having a marathon session of Criminal Minds on DVD, I looked at the guy I was most attracted to and cross referenced that with characteristics of my dad. Very interesting findings. Of course, lover was my primary subject. And on the outset, he would seem like the total opposite of my dad but the fundamentals were pretty much the same.
He kept on saying that I would eventually want someone who was like my dad. I said, I hardly like my dad, why would I want to end up with someone like him?
Well, the conversation went this way and that and while I was having a marathon session of Criminal Minds on DVD, I looked at the guy I was most attracted to and cross referenced that with characteristics of my dad. Very interesting findings. Of course, lover was my primary subject. And on the outset, he would seem like the total opposite of my dad but the fundamentals were pretty much the same.
- With PK, I never know if he loves me at all.
- With PK, I have no assurances that I am enough.
- With PK, he wants me to follow him without question.
- With PK, he just wants me to be there, present, even if he does not have plans for/about me.
- Just like my dad, PK has no concept of time and no respect for my time or anybody else's time. He does what he wants and expects everyone else to adjust.
- Just like my dad, PK expects you to be happy with what you give him. No whining. No complaining or it will be construed as a lack of trust.
- Just like my dad, he likes orderly surroundings
- Just like my dad, he always wants me to remember my place (which is below him). IOW, he demands deference.
- Just like my dad, he is addicted to approval of others. Except that with my dad, it was public appreciation and adulation. With PK, he needs other women to worship his cock.
- Here's the kicker though -- he is just as selfish as my dad.
This different perspective on PK is certainly an eye opener. If he's like my dad, and I don't have a good relationship with my dad, this really won't work out between us. So given my seduction goal, I have to do a bit of profiling. My dad's favorite daughter is my third sister. Of course, his relationship with my mom plays in this also.
As for my sister, she's the only one that my dad can really talk to (well, before she got really pissed off at him). She's obedient. She defended him all the time. She supported whatever he did. She was malambing to him, always asking permission and approval. This compared to me who has always been at loggerheads with my dad. (I won't do what he asks simply because he asked me to).
As for my mom, she always listens to him and does not put him down. She has everything prepared for him, making sure that he comes home to something nice. She doesn't contradict him but just accepts what he says but remedies it later on by scheming that is unknown to my dad.
So how is this information going to be useful for me? Notes to self:
- be available whenever he needs me. And this means not taking it personally whenever he disappears. I just have to be there when he's there.
- do not talk about other guys. he is the ONLY guy. (well, at least do not talk about your feelings with other guys, just relate the fuck sessions i have with other guys because he asked me to)
- do not question what he wants for me. TRUST HIM.
- do not question what he is doing outside the time he spends with me. He will find his way back.
- be happy with whatever he gives you. do not complain or ask for more. Just be appreciative and grateful
- since he is like my dad, do not expect him to come running after me. Just take initiative all the time. He will like that.
- since he is like my dad, I should not expect him to be maasikaso or thoughtful or romantic (heck, my dad forgets my mom's bday sometimes) but I shouldn't construe that as he doesn't love me or isn't proud of me (I remember when I passed the bar, I totally forgot he was connect with the SC and he got the results ahead of time). He probably won't let me know directly but will talk to others about me.
- I should be submissive. And obedient. And just shut up sometimes like my mom tells me to. Just agree with him all the time.
- Never embarass him or put him down in front of other people. IOW, think the best of him all the time.
- I can do what I want until he states a preference because his preference becomes mine.
- LOYALTY is highly valued.
- DO NOT BE DEFENSIVE.
Okay. That's it for now.
Friday, July 06, 2007
How Dare He
A couple of days ago, I talked to my lover and in the middle of the conversation I told him that I finally figured out that he was my karma.
He said that he was telling me that long before but I didn't believe him. I said, "No, no. You said it was my destiny to meet you." I said, "Are you saying that you're my destiny and my karma?"
And he said, "Yes."
My retort? I said that I'd only figured out the karma part for now.
You know, I don't know if he thinks this destiny stuff is joke for me or not. Frankly, I thought he would have forgotten our conversation before about him being my destiny. When we had that conversation, I sort of told him that I didn't think he was my destiny. Only part of it. I was hoping he'd have forgotten that. Apprently, he didn't. Hmmm. Okay, so he remembers I was an unbeliever, haha.
Still and all, how dare he claim that he is my destiny? Especially when he very well knows that I love him and that he won't do anything about that? There should be punishment for words like that that are let go so lightly. I think it's cruel.
Besides, don't those things have to converge? How can he be my destiny and I not be his destiny at the same time? I don't really understand it.
Humor me, will ya? I must have been one bad motherfucker in my past life if I am destined to end up with someone who loves himself more than me, who will constantly minimize and shatter my fragile ego and self-esteem, who will not go the distance for me, not call me on my birthday, yadayadayada.
He said that he was telling me that long before but I didn't believe him. I said, "No, no. You said it was my destiny to meet you." I said, "Are you saying that you're my destiny and my karma?"
And he said, "Yes."
My retort? I said that I'd only figured out the karma part for now.
You know, I don't know if he thinks this destiny stuff is joke for me or not. Frankly, I thought he would have forgotten our conversation before about him being my destiny. When we had that conversation, I sort of told him that I didn't think he was my destiny. Only part of it. I was hoping he'd have forgotten that. Apprently, he didn't. Hmmm. Okay, so he remembers I was an unbeliever, haha.
Still and all, how dare he claim that he is my destiny? Especially when he very well knows that I love him and that he won't do anything about that? There should be punishment for words like that that are let go so lightly. I think it's cruel.
Besides, don't those things have to converge? How can he be my destiny and I not be his destiny at the same time? I don't really understand it.
Humor me, will ya? I must have been one bad motherfucker in my past life if I am destined to end up with someone who loves himself more than me, who will constantly minimize and shatter my fragile ego and self-esteem, who will not go the distance for me, not call me on my birthday, yadayadayada.
Sunday, July 01, 2007
Bobbitesque
Who could ever forget Lorretta Bobbit, the woman who made headlines a few years back when she had had enough of her husband's maltreatment and just decided to chop off his cock? Now, there's a moral lesson to the story there. If you're a smart man, you will take the utmost care not to get a woman fed up.
Yes, FED UP. Right now, that's what I am when it comes to PK, that selfish bastard who isn't half as good a lover as he thinks he is. After doing a disappearing act on me (which I had been very patient about), we finally get into conversation and then he just leaves in mid air.
Now, there are very few triggers that push *THAT* button with me. Of the view, shrugging when being spoken to and turning your back to me when we are discussing something will really blow my top off. That just sorts of brings me in the "to hell with you" zone.
And right now, I am simmering with fury. If he were in front of me, I'd tell him to get as far away from me as possible if he doesn't want to bear the brunt of my wrath. I have lost my patience with him and if I were Queen, I would banish him out of my Court until he regains favor. If he so much as displays arrogance and cockiness whatsoever, I would have his cock chopped off in front of everyone. I'd even put several nubile Thai girls right in the front row, teasing and tempting him, ready to spread their legs for him so that he would realize what he would be missing henceforth with the lack of his most precious member. I'd make him watch me fuck other men, other girls get fucked by other men and he would be sentenced to a life of emasculation.
So i declare it to the universe, PK, until you treat me right and fuck me good, you will never get a hard on with any other girl. It will be a failure to launch each and every time. I ask this in the name of AE, the Divine Warrior Goddess.
I have no idea if PK will speak to me again after last night. I actually don't care. It's been a long time since he's made me feel good with him so I don't really give a shit. He just ends up ruining my day. So there. Banished from Court until he finds favor with the Queen again. Sentenced to a life of impotence until he is properly remorseful and repentant.
So it shall be.
Yes, FED UP. Right now, that's what I am when it comes to PK, that selfish bastard who isn't half as good a lover as he thinks he is. After doing a disappearing act on me (which I had been very patient about), we finally get into conversation and then he just leaves in mid air.
Now, there are very few triggers that push *THAT* button with me. Of the view, shrugging when being spoken to and turning your back to me when we are discussing something will really blow my top off. That just sorts of brings me in the "to hell with you" zone.
And right now, I am simmering with fury. If he were in front of me, I'd tell him to get as far away from me as possible if he doesn't want to bear the brunt of my wrath. I have lost my patience with him and if I were Queen, I would banish him out of my Court until he regains favor. If he so much as displays arrogance and cockiness whatsoever, I would have his cock chopped off in front of everyone. I'd even put several nubile Thai girls right in the front row, teasing and tempting him, ready to spread their legs for him so that he would realize what he would be missing henceforth with the lack of his most precious member. I'd make him watch me fuck other men, other girls get fucked by other men and he would be sentenced to a life of emasculation.
So i declare it to the universe, PK, until you treat me right and fuck me good, you will never get a hard on with any other girl. It will be a failure to launch each and every time. I ask this in the name of AE, the Divine Warrior Goddess.
I have no idea if PK will speak to me again after last night. I actually don't care. It's been a long time since he's made me feel good with him so I don't really give a shit. He just ends up ruining my day. So there. Banished from Court until he finds favor with the Queen again. Sentenced to a life of impotence until he is properly remorseful and repentant.
So it shall be.
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
The Phone Call
On a whim, I called my Lover long distance. I hadn't seen or heard from him in a couple of days and my mind was racing with all sorts of worst case scenarios so I thought I'd put myself out of my misery and just find out for myself.
He was home. He just spent the last four days in SF with his brother. He said he found himself the perfect fuck situation. He is now a sexual surrogate for a Thai girl and her husband. He fucks her about twice a week. He's not doing anyone else.
He though that that kind of situation would make it better for me since the girl was married and it seemed (to him) happily so. I suppose I should be pleased, shouldn't I? I, of all people, should know since I've had experience in extra-marital affairs for almost a decade already. Wasn't this better than him making a connection with all these single women who might pounce on him at any time? Oh, I dunno. More on this later.
He told me not to worry. To stop thinking and just relax and I said that I wasn't really worried. I did tell him though that it was bra girl that really bothered me. She who left two pieces of ordinary bras at his place. Then the questions poured over -- Did he let her sleep over? (yes, he did) How come she can be his friend and I can't? How come she went with him to Reno? How come she gets to go to weddings with him?
He said that I was like the Spanish Inquisition but I wasn't done. I had a couple more questions -- did he like her? (he said only enough to pull her panties down) Does he love her? Is he in love with her? He said no to all of the above.
Then again, what does it matter if he didn't if in the same breath, he didn't like me that much or love me either? I still haven't gathered the courage to ask that question. I do intend to one of these days. Cut to the chase. It seems pretty pointless to hang around someone who doesn't like me that much.
What he said was that there was no one like me. I was in a category of my own. I said that that was my line and he wasn't allowed to use it. He also said I was difficult but when I asked him if he would rather not have known me, he said no and that was the end of that.
We talked about some other stuff. He said I should get more cock. He told me about his itinerary for his European tour. For some reason, he just wants to spend time in the mountains there. We talked about my birthday and reminded him to greet me.
They say that in love, there is a crystalization process that only absence can bring. That's what happens when I don't get to talk to him and then when I finally do, I'm reminded of how mundane and inconsequential his existence is and my existence is relative to his that I'm snapped right back to earth.
We're so wrong for each other. This is so pointless. The guy simply doesn't have any feelings when it comes to me. And I hate myself for turning into this -- I don't even know how to describe it. I simply cannot make myself be a cool customer in his presence. I just fall apart and turn into this petulant and suspicious lover.
The realist in me wants to sever ties already. To call a spade a spade and move on. I am sorely tempted to write him a letter to tell him everything I feel. That I deserve much more than what he's willing to give me. The competitive person in me wants to hang on, to prove to myself that sheer persistence will turn the tide. In a previous blog, I think I signed on for four years, until such time that he was emotionally ready. I'm not past year one yet and I find myself faltering. I am questioning the prize at this point.
Then there's also the fact that I really DO think too much. I could be over reacting and yet, on the other end of the spectrum, I just feel wrong for being treated like this. I almost broached up the topic of "the blind leading the blind" in our conversation earlier. He didn't quite hear it so he asked me to repeat it and I buckled down and changed the topic.
I've been watching the last season of Sex and the City and our relationship -- oh, I forgot, "dynamic" is what we call it -- is like Steve and Miranda's. Type A meets Type B. Control freak seeking to relinquish control ISO doormat seeking to gain control to prevent emasculation. Not exactly the healthiest dynamic.
I told him I wanted to be friends. I'm not sure he heard it. Or that he equated it with a change in our dynamic. Perhaps I should be more emphatic next time.
He was home. He just spent the last four days in SF with his brother. He said he found himself the perfect fuck situation. He is now a sexual surrogate for a Thai girl and her husband. He fucks her about twice a week. He's not doing anyone else.
He though that that kind of situation would make it better for me since the girl was married and it seemed (to him) happily so. I suppose I should be pleased, shouldn't I? I, of all people, should know since I've had experience in extra-marital affairs for almost a decade already. Wasn't this better than him making a connection with all these single women who might pounce on him at any time? Oh, I dunno. More on this later.
He told me not to worry. To stop thinking and just relax and I said that I wasn't really worried. I did tell him though that it was bra girl that really bothered me. She who left two pieces of ordinary bras at his place. Then the questions poured over -- Did he let her sleep over? (yes, he did) How come she can be his friend and I can't? How come she went with him to Reno? How come she gets to go to weddings with him?
He said that I was like the Spanish Inquisition but I wasn't done. I had a couple more questions -- did he like her? (he said only enough to pull her panties down) Does he love her? Is he in love with her? He said no to all of the above.
Then again, what does it matter if he didn't if in the same breath, he didn't like me that much or love me either? I still haven't gathered the courage to ask that question. I do intend to one of these days. Cut to the chase. It seems pretty pointless to hang around someone who doesn't like me that much.
What he said was that there was no one like me. I was in a category of my own. I said that that was my line and he wasn't allowed to use it. He also said I was difficult but when I asked him if he would rather not have known me, he said no and that was the end of that.
We talked about some other stuff. He said I should get more cock. He told me about his itinerary for his European tour. For some reason, he just wants to spend time in the mountains there. We talked about my birthday and reminded him to greet me.
They say that in love, there is a crystalization process that only absence can bring. That's what happens when I don't get to talk to him and then when I finally do, I'm reminded of how mundane and inconsequential his existence is and my existence is relative to his that I'm snapped right back to earth.
We're so wrong for each other. This is so pointless. The guy simply doesn't have any feelings when it comes to me. And I hate myself for turning into this -- I don't even know how to describe it. I simply cannot make myself be a cool customer in his presence. I just fall apart and turn into this petulant and suspicious lover.
The realist in me wants to sever ties already. To call a spade a spade and move on. I am sorely tempted to write him a letter to tell him everything I feel. That I deserve much more than what he's willing to give me. The competitive person in me wants to hang on, to prove to myself that sheer persistence will turn the tide. In a previous blog, I think I signed on for four years, until such time that he was emotionally ready. I'm not past year one yet and I find myself faltering. I am questioning the prize at this point.
Then there's also the fact that I really DO think too much. I could be over reacting and yet, on the other end of the spectrum, I just feel wrong for being treated like this. I almost broached up the topic of "the blind leading the blind" in our conversation earlier. He didn't quite hear it so he asked me to repeat it and I buckled down and changed the topic.
I've been watching the last season of Sex and the City and our relationship -- oh, I forgot, "dynamic" is what we call it -- is like Steve and Miranda's. Type A meets Type B. Control freak seeking to relinquish control ISO doormat seeking to gain control to prevent emasculation. Not exactly the healthiest dynamic.
I told him I wanted to be friends. I'm not sure he heard it. Or that he equated it with a change in our dynamic. Perhaps I should be more emphatic next time.
Saturday, May 26, 2007
The Morning After
I got totally freaked out the morning after the whole intimate thing. As usual, my panic attack was accompanied by physical symptoms. My breathing was shallow. I couldn't focus very much on anything and I had the urge to run as far as I could from this man.
I ended up giving Lover that "drunken phone call", except that I wasn't drunk and it cost a lot more since I called long distance. I got his machine and told him that I didn't know why I called, told him about my freak out episode and was just basically looking for him. He still hasn't surfaced for air ever since I told him M was in town. I dunno. Maybe he's busy. Whether it's work or another object of his affection (or his cock's affection for that matter), I don't know.
I spent the night with M and was with him until he left for the airport. We had standing arrangments to get together for a "delicious goodbye" last night but his clients took him out and a bit late became later and then later still. This was so reminiscent of the fights I had with my lover that it definitely seemed like deja vu. I didn't know if M was really busy or if he was really out with clients or out on a date or if he was just really not interested and was blowing me off. But of course, I would like to think myself wiser for the experience with my lover and I now know that pressuring a guy when he's in the middle of business is a definite no no. So I played my cool and after making sure that he really wanted to see me and didn't just feel obliged to do so, we met up and made happy.
I swear, this guy is like a sex genie. I can ask him to do anything for me and he delivers with perfect precision with a hint of ecstasy on the side. Like this thing with mirrors, I told him how seeing us in the mirror fascinated me and the rest of the night, he made sure that I got a good view of everything that was going on.
Other than that, I feel totally comfortable being myself with him. The strange thing is that I'm the same way with my lover except that it's a different side of me that emerges when I'm with him. With lover, I get all squirrelly and playful. With M, I'm still playful but I'm much more relaxed and less in a defensive stance.
I guess it's only now when I can see my time with my lover in relation to time spent with M that I realize that I felt like I was walking on eggshells around him because 1) he dangled rejection in front of me like a carrot on a stick, and 2) he didn't allow me to show him that nurturing, caring and affectionate side of me which is also a big part of me.
I don't dislike my lover more after the experience with M. Heck, I've accepted him as is long before but now I know that I could be "loved" more (and I use the term loosely, ok?) M has been wonderful in reassuring me that he wants me to stay, hang around, share his stuff, his time and all that. And by now, I think he's wondering whatever happened to me to get me so skittish. Kind of like when you see a frightened and shy dog at the pound and you wonder what the previous owner did to get it that way.
After a glorious romp in the sack, we slept together. Actually, I had difficulty sleeping. I don't know if he sensed it but I just lay awake there in his arms while we were spooning, wondering what this was all about and kind of hoping he'd say something to give me more clarity. We didn't have enough time to sleep since he had an early flight and we had to get up early so I didn't push having "the conversation".
Truth to tell, I wasn't all gung ho to know the answers either. Last night was my version of "getting back on the bike" after that freak out episode. One thing I learned though, if you just stay quiet and don't push even if circumstances aren't ideal just yet, they come around sooner or later and try to make it up to you. Like today, he said that when he gets back he's going to book up to the weekend so that we could sleep in late and have breakfast. He also mentioned dinner and asked me what my favorite restaurant was. That was nice. At least he has plans to take me out of the "under cover of darkness" category.
He did mention the "G" word -- girlfriend. I swear, in relationships like these that were meant to be in the gray area, that's practically taboo. The thing is, he mentioned it tangentially so I could neither refute nor comment on it. He just said that the folks in the lobby (he's a frequent guest so they all know him) would say when they saw me, "Hey, Mr. A -- you've got a girlfriend!". He mentioned it a couple more times and I guess I was in shock. My exact thoughts at that moment were: "Why are you talking about that?!??" but since it was more of an insinuation rather than a statement of fact, I could do nothing but smile. Cautiously, I might add.
Then the other night too, there was an insinuation of sorts. I had never slept with anyone before and I told him so. I also said that I found out that it was nice after all. And that's when he said, "Only if you like the person". Ummm...does that mean he likes me?
I swear, I am not going to obsess about it. I'm just glad that I seem to improve my intimacy issues with this guy. Physical intimacy first. We can work on emotional intimacy the next time around. I'm just glad that I can talk to him without turning into a bowl of jello. I don't know a lot about him yet so there's still a lot of space to build trust. IOW, I really haven't figured out what my opinion about him is. I think that's good. He's not a character that I've cast in the movie of my life.
Yes, I think I'll see where this one goes.
I ended up giving Lover that "drunken phone call", except that I wasn't drunk and it cost a lot more since I called long distance. I got his machine and told him that I didn't know why I called, told him about my freak out episode and was just basically looking for him. He still hasn't surfaced for air ever since I told him M was in town. I dunno. Maybe he's busy. Whether it's work or another object of his affection (or his cock's affection for that matter), I don't know.
I spent the night with M and was with him until he left for the airport. We had standing arrangments to get together for a "delicious goodbye" last night but his clients took him out and a bit late became later and then later still. This was so reminiscent of the fights I had with my lover that it definitely seemed like deja vu. I didn't know if M was really busy or if he was really out with clients or out on a date or if he was just really not interested and was blowing me off. But of course, I would like to think myself wiser for the experience with my lover and I now know that pressuring a guy when he's in the middle of business is a definite no no. So I played my cool and after making sure that he really wanted to see me and didn't just feel obliged to do so, we met up and made happy.
I swear, this guy is like a sex genie. I can ask him to do anything for me and he delivers with perfect precision with a hint of ecstasy on the side. Like this thing with mirrors, I told him how seeing us in the mirror fascinated me and the rest of the night, he made sure that I got a good view of everything that was going on.
Other than that, I feel totally comfortable being myself with him. The strange thing is that I'm the same way with my lover except that it's a different side of me that emerges when I'm with him. With lover, I get all squirrelly and playful. With M, I'm still playful but I'm much more relaxed and less in a defensive stance.
I guess it's only now when I can see my time with my lover in relation to time spent with M that I realize that I felt like I was walking on eggshells around him because 1) he dangled rejection in front of me like a carrot on a stick, and 2) he didn't allow me to show him that nurturing, caring and affectionate side of me which is also a big part of me.
I don't dislike my lover more after the experience with M. Heck, I've accepted him as is long before but now I know that I could be "loved" more (and I use the term loosely, ok?) M has been wonderful in reassuring me that he wants me to stay, hang around, share his stuff, his time and all that. And by now, I think he's wondering whatever happened to me to get me so skittish. Kind of like when you see a frightened and shy dog at the pound and you wonder what the previous owner did to get it that way.
After a glorious romp in the sack, we slept together. Actually, I had difficulty sleeping. I don't know if he sensed it but I just lay awake there in his arms while we were spooning, wondering what this was all about and kind of hoping he'd say something to give me more clarity. We didn't have enough time to sleep since he had an early flight and we had to get up early so I didn't push having "the conversation".
Truth to tell, I wasn't all gung ho to know the answers either. Last night was my version of "getting back on the bike" after that freak out episode. One thing I learned though, if you just stay quiet and don't push even if circumstances aren't ideal just yet, they come around sooner or later and try to make it up to you. Like today, he said that when he gets back he's going to book up to the weekend so that we could sleep in late and have breakfast. He also mentioned dinner and asked me what my favorite restaurant was. That was nice. At least he has plans to take me out of the "under cover of darkness" category.
He did mention the "G" word -- girlfriend. I swear, in relationships like these that were meant to be in the gray area, that's practically taboo. The thing is, he mentioned it tangentially so I could neither refute nor comment on it. He just said that the folks in the lobby (he's a frequent guest so they all know him) would say when they saw me, "Hey, Mr. A -- you've got a girlfriend!". He mentioned it a couple more times and I guess I was in shock. My exact thoughts at that moment were: "Why are you talking about that?!??" but since it was more of an insinuation rather than a statement of fact, I could do nothing but smile. Cautiously, I might add.
Then the other night too, there was an insinuation of sorts. I had never slept with anyone before and I told him so. I also said that I found out that it was nice after all. And that's when he said, "Only if you like the person". Ummm...does that mean he likes me?
I swear, I am not going to obsess about it. I'm just glad that I seem to improve my intimacy issues with this guy. Physical intimacy first. We can work on emotional intimacy the next time around. I'm just glad that I can talk to him without turning into a bowl of jello. I don't know a lot about him yet so there's still a lot of space to build trust. IOW, I really haven't figured out what my opinion about him is. I think that's good. He's not a character that I've cast in the movie of my life.
Yes, I think I'll see where this one goes.
Cock Chronicles: Tender is the Night
Hi Lover,
Mission accomplished. He finally came in my mouth and he tasted good. =)
We were both still tired from last night's romp. Him even more so because he was working ever since the time I left him so I gave him a massage so that he could unwind first. I don't know if you remember but I was wearing the lingerie that I first wore with you when you told me to get sexier undies, haha. He liked it a lot though. After that we kissed a lot. His lips started exploring my body and so did his hands and I came quite a few times with that.
Anyway, I was not going to let this second chance pass without having a go at tasting him. I started licking his groin area slowly, sensuously, deliberately... was careful to let my tongue just graze his balls and the base of his penis at first... and found erogenous spots I never knew he had before. Then I started licking his balls, my tongue teasing and trailing to the spot beneath the balls just above his anus and started flicking my tongue there. That sort of drove him crazy. I took his balls in my mouth and sucked on them and then licked the length of his cock good before taking the head of his cock in my mouth. I took my time with the head of his cock, and I flicked the tip of my tongue on the spot just right under the head. He was rock hard by this time and that's when I took all of him in my mouth, fucking his cock with my mouth deep and slow. He's really kinda big so I couldn't get everything in my mouth but was deep throating him as much as I could. He kept saying "you do this soooo good" over and over and that's when I picked up the tempo. I felt like my mouth turned into a pussy and he just kept thrusting and fucking me again and again. My hands were squeezing his balls and I could feel his cock harden just as he was about to cum. He came in my mouth and I swallowed every last drop of it. His orgasm lasted a pretty long time. He just kept on cumming in my mouth and that made me suck him better (motivation! haha). I didn't stop fucking him with my mouth and ... dang, he was even noisier than I was! haha. The whole floor must have heard him. He was shuddering and groaning and his grip on my hair was getting tighter and this went on for quite a while and I was actually worried that it was lasting so long (and he was noisy! I mean, I know how this guy cums). It was only when he said "I have to catch my breath" that I eased off on his cock. I still didn't pull away though but just let my tongue trace circles on his cock while it was still in my mouth.
He was pretty much spent after that and could barely keep his eyes open. I kissed him gently on the lips and I trailed light kisses on his chest and pretty much everywhere and then I let him sleep. I snuggled up to him, my head on his chest and my legs intertwined with his. He woke up a couple of minutes after and we talked. Kinda hard to focus on the conversation though when his hands were caressing parts of me and I was getting worked up again. When I could hardly keep my train of thought, he went for my G-spot and that drove me over the edge. Oh yeah, there's a mirror on top of the headboard and dang, the silhouette of two people sensuously fucking is seriously mesmerizing. I couldn't keep my eyes off of it thinking "wow, this is what we look like together". Of course, that didn't last very long because he got me cumming again soon after and although normally my back is arched and my head tilts backward to expose my neck, when it's too much for me, I sort of burrow my face in his neck and my screams turn into whimpers and my hands are digging into his back.
Anyway, it was around 1am about that time and it was early enough for me to go home. I wasn't sure if last night's invite to stay was a fluke so I gave him an out and we had this awkwardly coy moment of "do you want me to go?/ I want you to stay". I stayed the night again. It was nice and intimate. There were times though that I would disengage from the spooning and cuddling and move to my side of the bed and he would reach out for me. Or we would fall asleep and when he would be roused from sleep (I'd wake up too bec i'm a light sleeper), he would take my hand in his and we'd fall right back to sleep holding hands. Pleasurable but a strange experience for me.
Oh, I did have a bit of a freak out episode. I think I woke up at about 4am and found myself wide awake thinking what I was doing with this man. That didn't last long though because I didn't want to think so as soon as he reached out for me and our bodies melded together again, I went right back to sleep.
Next morning, I was getting ready to leave because i knew he had a busy day ahead of him. He was working from his suite this morning but he said I was welcome to stay and be around him if I didn't mind eavesdropping on his business calls. So I hung around for a while, watching tv and just enjoying the bed but I wanted him to work without distraction so I got dressed and ready to go. I think I'm really like a cat sometimes, you know?
Anyway, I'm still horny. I still need cock and I do hope he's got time tonight to get together. He did say that I have soft skin, beautiful breasts (I don't know about that... that's the part of me i dislike the most) and ... get this... that I had a good heart. And i'm like, where did that come from? Totally out of the blue. I mean, this is the fourth time I've been with this guy. I don't know how he could've figured that out about me when i haven't been with him very long. But I didn't ask. I just accepted it and smiled.
So there. My status report for today =P. I haven't seen you around and I do so much want to get with you after this. I like going back to home base =).
GG
Mission accomplished. He finally came in my mouth and he tasted good. =)
We were both still tired from last night's romp. Him even more so because he was working ever since the time I left him so I gave him a massage so that he could unwind first. I don't know if you remember but I was wearing the lingerie that I first wore with you when you told me to get sexier undies, haha. He liked it a lot though. After that we kissed a lot. His lips started exploring my body and so did his hands and I came quite a few times with that.
Anyway, I was not going to let this second chance pass without having a go at tasting him. I started licking his groin area slowly, sensuously, deliberately... was careful to let my tongue just graze his balls and the base of his penis at first... and found erogenous spots I never knew he had before. Then I started licking his balls, my tongue teasing and trailing to the spot beneath the balls just above his anus and started flicking my tongue there. That sort of drove him crazy. I took his balls in my mouth and sucked on them and then licked the length of his cock good before taking the head of his cock in my mouth. I took my time with the head of his cock, and I flicked the tip of my tongue on the spot just right under the head. He was rock hard by this time and that's when I took all of him in my mouth, fucking his cock with my mouth deep and slow. He's really kinda big so I couldn't get everything in my mouth but was deep throating him as much as I could. He kept saying "you do this soooo good" over and over and that's when I picked up the tempo. I felt like my mouth turned into a pussy and he just kept thrusting and fucking me again and again. My hands were squeezing his balls and I could feel his cock harden just as he was about to cum. He came in my mouth and I swallowed every last drop of it. His orgasm lasted a pretty long time. He just kept on cumming in my mouth and that made me suck him better (motivation! haha). I didn't stop fucking him with my mouth and ... dang, he was even noisier than I was! haha. The whole floor must have heard him. He was shuddering and groaning and his grip on my hair was getting tighter and this went on for quite a while and I was actually worried that it was lasting so long (and he was noisy! I mean, I know how this guy cums). It was only when he said "I have to catch my breath" that I eased off on his cock. I still didn't pull away though but just let my tongue trace circles on his cock while it was still in my mouth.
He was pretty much spent after that and could barely keep his eyes open. I kissed him gently on the lips and I trailed light kisses on his chest and pretty much everywhere and then I let him sleep. I snuggled up to him, my head on his chest and my legs intertwined with his. He woke up a couple of minutes after and we talked. Kinda hard to focus on the conversation though when his hands were caressing parts of me and I was getting worked up again. When I could hardly keep my train of thought, he went for my G-spot and that drove me over the edge. Oh yeah, there's a mirror on top of the headboard and dang, the silhouette of two people sensuously fucking is seriously mesmerizing. I couldn't keep my eyes off of it thinking "wow, this is what we look like together". Of course, that didn't last very long because he got me cumming again soon after and although normally my back is arched and my head tilts backward to expose my neck, when it's too much for me, I sort of burrow my face in his neck and my screams turn into whimpers and my hands are digging into his back.
Anyway, it was around 1am about that time and it was early enough for me to go home. I wasn't sure if last night's invite to stay was a fluke so I gave him an out and we had this awkwardly coy moment of "do you want me to go?/ I want you to stay". I stayed the night again. It was nice and intimate. There were times though that I would disengage from the spooning and cuddling and move to my side of the bed and he would reach out for me. Or we would fall asleep and when he would be roused from sleep (I'd wake up too bec i'm a light sleeper), he would take my hand in his and we'd fall right back to sleep holding hands. Pleasurable but a strange experience for me.
Oh, I did have a bit of a freak out episode. I think I woke up at about 4am and found myself wide awake thinking what I was doing with this man. That didn't last long though because I didn't want to think so as soon as he reached out for me and our bodies melded together again, I went right back to sleep.
Next morning, I was getting ready to leave because i knew he had a busy day ahead of him. He was working from his suite this morning but he said I was welcome to stay and be around him if I didn't mind eavesdropping on his business calls. So I hung around for a while, watching tv and just enjoying the bed but I wanted him to work without distraction so I got dressed and ready to go. I think I'm really like a cat sometimes, you know?
Anyway, I'm still horny. I still need cock and I do hope he's got time tonight to get together. He did say that I have soft skin, beautiful breasts (I don't know about that... that's the part of me i dislike the most) and ... get this... that I had a good heart. And i'm like, where did that come from? Totally out of the blue. I mean, this is the fourth time I've been with this guy. I don't know how he could've figured that out about me when i haven't been with him very long. But I didn't ask. I just accepted it and smiled.
So there. My status report for today =P. I haven't seen you around and I do so much want to get with you after this. I like going back to home base =).
GG
Cock Chronicles: Squirrel gets her great white wee wee
Lover,
I'm beginning to love these hot reunions. =P
I'm still tired, sleepy and spent and my pussy is so tender and sore right now, I'm having difficulty sitting down but, but, but.... it was well worth the wait.
We weren't supposed to meet up tonight because his plane was arriving late in the evening but as soon as he got settled in his hotel room, he got in touch. I was still up. Preliminaries got us horny so next thing I know, I'm headed over to his place.
I was supposed to give him a BJ as soon as I walked through the door but my agenda got thwarted. I ring the bell, he opens the door. I look up at him and just smile saying nothing and he then gives me deep long kisses that were rather tender so i didn't push the "hot" thing and just went with the flow. We moved on to the bedroom, he was sitting on the bed, I was standing and we were still kissing and he was running his fingers up and down my legs, the back of my knees (I was wearing a mini), tracing my butt crack through my panties and giving my clit a good rubbing.
Anyway, as soon as we were out of our clothes, BJ time. He happens to like having his balls licked and sucked so it was great that i liked licking and sucking them as well, haha. I told that I wanted to taste him before anything else so I got to work. He did sound like he was enjoying it a lot... BUT... the guy has the stamina of a fucking horse, Tom. Add that to jetlag (he came straight from Seattle) and that equals me sucking him like forever, haha. I actually told him right before we started and several times in between "I'm going to taste you tonight." But then despite my determination, i think he wanted to help me out so he fucked me mindless after that instead, ha ha.
So there. I'll try again tonight.
I don't know how to chronicle the rest of what happened because right now it's just a delicious blur in my head. I think he genuinely finds pleasure in making me cum. And he does several things to me all at the same time that I'm dizzy from it all, i don't know who i am, where I am, who i'm with and that's when he rams his big cock inside of me and it starts all over again. Oh and since I've been celibate for a while, I was incredibly tight and he just loved that. So we did it this way and that and one time, when I was on my knees and he was fucking me from behind, he tried "knocking on the back door" but I guided his cock to my pussy instead. That one's for you, lover. I mean it.
I stayed the night and slept with him. I could have gone home since I live 5 mins away but I thought it was a good opportunity to improve intimacy skills, haha. The challenge this time was "shared sleep". I've never been able to sleep with anyone else in bed with me but i now find that I can. That was nice. I liked that. It was also nice waking up slowly next to someone who's gentle and receptive and not feeling mortified that I woke up in bed with a stranger, haha. Well, not really a stranger anymore because last night, I told him my real name. So there goes my anonymity.
He's pretty observant though. Now, he keeps bottled water by the bedside table for me (i didn't have to ask) and the air is on at my temperature. He gets cold though but I'm warm so that pretty much solves it. I like warming him up and keeping him warm. While we were hanging out in bed though after just waking up, he mentioned that last night I made some strange sounds. Of course, I got paranoid. I thought I had said something I didn't remember or blurted out your name or what but apparently he was just referring to a new and delicious version of my default moan, sigh and groan hahaha. That made me nervous though. I can really hardly remember how I was last night. I just got lost in it.
Anyway, that's my status report. \u003dP I think i did you proud, Lover. Right before I left, he was still raving about how he loved feeling my pussy clamp on his cock and his fingers while I'm cumming.
Where are you? I need to get back to home base, you know. I enjoyed a lot but after that ....I miss you more.
GG
I'm beginning to love these hot reunions. =P
I'm still tired, sleepy and spent and my pussy is so tender and sore right now, I'm having difficulty sitting down but, but, but.... it was well worth the wait.
We weren't supposed to meet up tonight because his plane was arriving late in the evening but as soon as he got settled in his hotel room, he got in touch. I was still up. Preliminaries got us horny so next thing I know, I'm headed over to his place.
I was supposed to give him a BJ as soon as I walked through the door but my agenda got thwarted. I ring the bell, he opens the door. I look up at him and just smile saying nothing and he then gives me deep long kisses that were rather tender so i didn't push the "hot" thing and just went with the flow. We moved on to the bedroom, he was sitting on the bed, I was standing and we were still kissing and he was running his fingers up and down my legs, the back of my knees (I was wearing a mini), tracing my butt crack through my panties and giving my clit a good rubbing.
Anyway, as soon as we were out of our clothes, BJ time. He happens to like having his balls licked and sucked so it was great that i liked licking and sucking them as well, haha. I told that I wanted to taste him before anything else so I got to work. He did sound like he was enjoying it a lot... BUT... the guy has the stamina of a fucking horse, Tom. Add that to jetlag (he came straight from Seattle) and that equals me sucking him like forever, haha. I actually told him right before we started and several times in between "I'm going to taste you tonight." But then despite my determination, i think he wanted to help me out so he fucked me mindless after that instead, ha ha.
So there. I'll try again tonight.
I don't know how to chronicle the rest of what happened because right now it's just a delicious blur in my head. I think he genuinely finds pleasure in making me cum. And he does several things to me all at the same time that I'm dizzy from it all, i don't know who i am, where I am, who i'm with and that's when he rams his big cock inside of me and it starts all over again. Oh and since I've been celibate for a while, I was incredibly tight and he just loved that. So we did it this way and that and one time, when I was on my knees and he was fucking me from behind, he tried "knocking on the back door" but I guided his cock to my pussy instead. That one's for you, lover. I mean it.
I stayed the night and slept with him. I could have gone home since I live 5 mins away but I thought it was a good opportunity to improve intimacy skills, haha. The challenge this time was "shared sleep". I've never been able to sleep with anyone else in bed with me but i now find that I can. That was nice. I liked that. It was also nice waking up slowly next to someone who's gentle and receptive and not feeling mortified that I woke up in bed with a stranger, haha. Well, not really a stranger anymore because last night, I told him my real name. So there goes my anonymity.
He's pretty observant though. Now, he keeps bottled water by the bedside table for me (i didn't have to ask) and the air is on at my temperature. He gets cold though but I'm warm so that pretty much solves it. I like warming him up and keeping him warm. While we were hanging out in bed though after just waking up, he mentioned that last night I made some strange sounds. Of course, I got paranoid. I thought I had said something I didn't remember or blurted out your name or what but apparently he was just referring to a new and delicious version of my default moan, sigh and groan hahaha. That made me nervous though. I can really hardly remember how I was last night. I just got lost in it.
Anyway, that's my status report. \u003dP I think i did you proud, Lover. Right before I left, he was still raving about how he loved feeling my pussy clamp on his cock and his fingers while I'm cumming.
Where are you? I need to get back to home base, you know. I enjoyed a lot but after that ....I miss you more.
GG
Monday, April 30, 2007
The Purposeless Driven Life
My birthday is coming up soon. I'll be turning 32 and these days, the thought of being 32 and not having a clear picture of the future before me is just plain scary. My brother who just graduated from high school, my sister who's taking the nursing boards, my other sister who just got into a coveted internship at a five star hotel and my other sister who is now basking in the joys of motherhood -- all of them know where they're headed. Me? I just don't.
Ask me and I will tell you that I have no answers. I've been trying to figure it out for the past year but nothing's come to me. If at all, there are those things that I suspect aren't meant for me. Why? I don't know.
Take love, for instance. I will tell you right now that I have never loved somebody who has loved me back. That pains me, you know. At this point, I am almost embarassed about it. I used to vent out and talk about this frustration of mine with my friends and my sister but when I see them happily interacting with their significant others, I'm just plain embarassed that those that I like can't find it in their hearts to like me back. I'm embarassed how much pain this causes me. So right now, this burden is mine and mine alone to carry.
I just feel so useless. Save for Moo, it sure doesn't seem like anybody needs me and I really don't know why I'm here. Someone please tell me.
This thing PK --well, jury finally has a verdict and I'm still his girl and he's still my "man". Yes, that's in quotes because I don't really know what we have. We call it a "dynamic" so I guess that means that it's not a relationship. I know he doesn't have feelings for me and I used to feel a whole for him but I guess I've learned to calibrate it somewhat just so that the scale isn't tipped too much in his favor. This is just another strain of the unrequited love virus. Except that this time around, I have no delusions at all that the guy somehow feels something for me. This is my lesson in letting someone else take the lead without the control freak in me freaking out too much. Why is he doing this when he can get any woman he wants? (Yes, he is gorgeous, easy to talk to, well hung, etc. etc.) It's probably a kindness on his part. And pathetic person that I am, I am actually grateful for the scraps he throws me. How's that for self esteem?
I know, I know. As far as self esteem goes, mine's pretty shot. Whether or not it's beyond redemption, I have no idea. The standard that the both of us use in our "dynamic" is whether or not it still works. If it works, we leave it at that. No talk about our feelings at all. Well, mine, at least. He doesn't have any. So I'm probably using him for target practice and he needs a reserve substitute in his harem. It's a dynamic based on mutual interests. How romantic, hah.
I've been waiting for D to come around for close to six months now. This lack of communication though is getting to be a turn off. We parted with so many things hanging in the air that are just there, hanging in the air. I can't even confront him with any of my concerns because we don't have a venue for it. If he's lost interest in me, I wish he would just tell me. I'm just waiting here. Hoping for the best. Getting ready for the worst.
Truthfully, I need to make my life elsewhere than here. New friends. New purpose. New faces. New surroundings. I need a fresh start. That's also why this impending birthday is giving me the jitters.
I do have a birthday wish. I would like to know what it feels like to have someone I love and am in love with love and be in love with me back. That is my earnest wish.
Right now, I hope my mood picks up in time for my birthday. I'm just an emotional wreck now. At this rate, I will be crying from sun up to sun down on my birthday. I don't want to do that.
Ask me and I will tell you that I have no answers. I've been trying to figure it out for the past year but nothing's come to me. If at all, there are those things that I suspect aren't meant for me. Why? I don't know.
Take love, for instance. I will tell you right now that I have never loved somebody who has loved me back. That pains me, you know. At this point, I am almost embarassed about it. I used to vent out and talk about this frustration of mine with my friends and my sister but when I see them happily interacting with their significant others, I'm just plain embarassed that those that I like can't find it in their hearts to like me back. I'm embarassed how much pain this causes me. So right now, this burden is mine and mine alone to carry.
I just feel so useless. Save for Moo, it sure doesn't seem like anybody needs me and I really don't know why I'm here. Someone please tell me.
This thing PK --well, jury finally has a verdict and I'm still his girl and he's still my "man". Yes, that's in quotes because I don't really know what we have. We call it a "dynamic" so I guess that means that it's not a relationship. I know he doesn't have feelings for me and I used to feel a whole for him but I guess I've learned to calibrate it somewhat just so that the scale isn't tipped too much in his favor. This is just another strain of the unrequited love virus. Except that this time around, I have no delusions at all that the guy somehow feels something for me. This is my lesson in letting someone else take the lead without the control freak in me freaking out too much. Why is he doing this when he can get any woman he wants? (Yes, he is gorgeous, easy to talk to, well hung, etc. etc.) It's probably a kindness on his part. And pathetic person that I am, I am actually grateful for the scraps he throws me. How's that for self esteem?
I know, I know. As far as self esteem goes, mine's pretty shot. Whether or not it's beyond redemption, I have no idea. The standard that the both of us use in our "dynamic" is whether or not it still works. If it works, we leave it at that. No talk about our feelings at all. Well, mine, at least. He doesn't have any. So I'm probably using him for target practice and he needs a reserve substitute in his harem. It's a dynamic based on mutual interests. How romantic, hah.
I've been waiting for D to come around for close to six months now. This lack of communication though is getting to be a turn off. We parted with so many things hanging in the air that are just there, hanging in the air. I can't even confront him with any of my concerns because we don't have a venue for it. If he's lost interest in me, I wish he would just tell me. I'm just waiting here. Hoping for the best. Getting ready for the worst.
Truthfully, I need to make my life elsewhere than here. New friends. New purpose. New faces. New surroundings. I need a fresh start. That's also why this impending birthday is giving me the jitters.
I do have a birthday wish. I would like to know what it feels like to have someone I love and am in love with love and be in love with me back. That is my earnest wish.
Right now, I hope my mood picks up in time for my birthday. I'm just an emotional wreck now. At this rate, I will be crying from sun up to sun down on my birthday. I don't want to do that.
Friday, April 27, 2007
The Jury Is Still Out
I sent that email about 8 hours ago and still no response from him. Needless to say, this is getting me all fidgety and nervous. Another one of those holes, I chose to dig deeper for myself.
And I barely got any sleep over it too. I know that I dreamt and some excerpt from my dream keep flitting back to my mind at one time or another but they were disjointed. All I remember is being at the Shangri-la waiting for someone to arrive while chit chatting with some friends.
I'm pretty darned sure that his awkward and well, embarassing behavior of mine falls under the box labelled "compulsions". It's powered by the same driving force that gets me to play minesweeper, insaniquarium for hours, marathon research sessions, my stint in Y!Answers. It's the carrot on the stick that makes me want to chase it forever. If I were a gerbil and they hung a pellet on the gerbil treadmill, i'd be on it for hours until i was so thin my skin hung off my bones.
Right now, I want to redirect that energy into my fitness program but i'm still not well. I've been bleeding for half a month now and I'm afraid that I'll bleed more if I attempt moving a lot. It sucks. Really.
And I barely got any sleep over it too. I know that I dreamt and some excerpt from my dream keep flitting back to my mind at one time or another but they were disjointed. All I remember is being at the Shangri-la waiting for someone to arrive while chit chatting with some friends.
I'm pretty darned sure that his awkward and well, embarassing behavior of mine falls under the box labelled "compulsions". It's powered by the same driving force that gets me to play minesweeper, insaniquarium for hours, marathon research sessions, my stint in Y!Answers. It's the carrot on the stick that makes me want to chase it forever. If I were a gerbil and they hung a pellet on the gerbil treadmill, i'd be on it for hours until i was so thin my skin hung off my bones.
Right now, I want to redirect that energy into my fitness program but i'm still not well. I've been bleeding for half a month now and I'm afraid that I'll bleed more if I attempt moving a lot. It sucks. Really.
Thar She Blows
Finally, I asked the question. I asked him if he still wanted me and now, all I have to do is wait for his reply if that's coming at all.
That I asked doesn't mean that my feelings for him have been revived. I'm on autopilot right now as far as my feelings concerned and when that mode's on, I'm on the I don't want you if you don't want me track. Only because I'm all too familiar with the sting of rejection. Sometimes I'm on the receiving end. Other times, I'm the one who dishes it out.
In the midst of all this confusion with PK, I've had a persistent suitor whom I've had to turn down yesterday. He was nice and the attention he gave me was flattering. I'm just wondering why I can't get to like someone who likes me back in turn. It's always star crossed, missing the mark, or some bizarre love triangle. And despite the attention, you're really nowhere near happy if the person who's giving the attention isn't someone who does make you feel happy. It's like eating food when you don't have the appetite for it.
I'm hoping for the best and bracing myself for the worst in terms of a response. My goal right now is to keep communication flowing. To let him know that I am still seated at the negotiating table. I am just hoping that he is also still there. I don't mind if he just wants to be friends minus our dynamic but I just need him to be around. I guess that's why I offered friendship in the first place.
I dunno. Let this simmer a bit. Oh boy.
That I asked doesn't mean that my feelings for him have been revived. I'm on autopilot right now as far as my feelings concerned and when that mode's on, I'm on the I don't want you if you don't want me track. Only because I'm all too familiar with the sting of rejection. Sometimes I'm on the receiving end. Other times, I'm the one who dishes it out.
In the midst of all this confusion with PK, I've had a persistent suitor whom I've had to turn down yesterday. He was nice and the attention he gave me was flattering. I'm just wondering why I can't get to like someone who likes me back in turn. It's always star crossed, missing the mark, or some bizarre love triangle. And despite the attention, you're really nowhere near happy if the person who's giving the attention isn't someone who does make you feel happy. It's like eating food when you don't have the appetite for it.
I'm hoping for the best and bracing myself for the worst in terms of a response. My goal right now is to keep communication flowing. To let him know that I am still seated at the negotiating table. I am just hoping that he is also still there. I don't mind if he just wants to be friends minus our dynamic but I just need him to be around. I guess that's why I offered friendship in the first place.
I dunno. Let this simmer a bit. Oh boy.
Thursday, April 26, 2007
Be Still, My Beating Heart
To tell you the truth, I don't know what's happened between me and PK. Like all of sudden, a great wave washed over us and we just stopped. I just stopped. I woke up one day and realized that he wasn't in my heart anymore. I wasn't in love with him anymore and my heart already had room for another.
I guess my survival instinct kicked in. Somewhere in my subconscious, I was afraid that if I kept harboring feelings for PK, D would never come. So at first, I picked a fight with him and thought he'd break up with me over it. That didn't work. Next, I tried broaching up the idea of him and me just being friends instead of having the "dynamic" (yep, we never called it a relationship) that we had. He ignored me when I brought it up. I called him long distance for his birthday but he didn't pick up. I haven't spoken to him since.
So I'm left wondering if he's just disappeared on me altogether. I'm not hurting right now. I kind of miss him but not the kind that wrenches my gut and leaves me in tears. In my mind, he's evolved into someone that's way past all this drama. Strange as it may seem, I feel motherly towards him. And if he wants to go off on his own for a while or forever, I have to let him and just pray that he's okay. If he shows up again, I know I will welcome him with open arms.
There are times when I wish that he'd just give me the boot so that I know where I stand definitively. But I'm also old enough to know that there are times and situations and relationships where you can't demand closure. They just fade away for different reasons. Do you really need to hear it when you already know?
Still, I wish we could get to talk one of these days.
You know what? I'm wondering what horrible thing I did in my past life to merit this barrenness in my love life. Did I break too many hearts that in this lifetime, mine gets to be broken every so often? Or did I finish up my quota on romance the last time that I don't get to have any this time? Was I a sexy bimbo who wished that someone would like me for more than just my body and wish that there were other things that I'd be good at other than sex? Did I use up my share of happiness then so that I had very little left in this lifetime? You know what? I probably did and I'm being punished this lifetime.
3o years and counting. Reclusion Perpetua. Life with the possibility of parole if I get enough good karma. What I don't get though is why all of the men who have broken my heart in this lifetime still have it good.
To tell you the truth, I'm a bit desolate. That's why I didn't really mind the thought of PK and I being just friends because I do need a friend right now. I don't want to dwell on the fact that he's really just not into me because that is such a sad sad thought.
I've been good for most of my life. Didn't take drugs. Didn't become an alcoholic. Got good grades. Held positions of responsibility. Didn't get myself pregnant. Kept my virginity until I was 31. What grave sin did I commit to be this unhappy in love?
I guess my survival instinct kicked in. Somewhere in my subconscious, I was afraid that if I kept harboring feelings for PK, D would never come. So at first, I picked a fight with him and thought he'd break up with me over it. That didn't work. Next, I tried broaching up the idea of him and me just being friends instead of having the "dynamic" (yep, we never called it a relationship) that we had. He ignored me when I brought it up. I called him long distance for his birthday but he didn't pick up. I haven't spoken to him since.
So I'm left wondering if he's just disappeared on me altogether. I'm not hurting right now. I kind of miss him but not the kind that wrenches my gut and leaves me in tears. In my mind, he's evolved into someone that's way past all this drama. Strange as it may seem, I feel motherly towards him. And if he wants to go off on his own for a while or forever, I have to let him and just pray that he's okay. If he shows up again, I know I will welcome him with open arms.
There are times when I wish that he'd just give me the boot so that I know where I stand definitively. But I'm also old enough to know that there are times and situations and relationships where you can't demand closure. They just fade away for different reasons. Do you really need to hear it when you already know?
Still, I wish we could get to talk one of these days.
You know what? I'm wondering what horrible thing I did in my past life to merit this barrenness in my love life. Did I break too many hearts that in this lifetime, mine gets to be broken every so often? Or did I finish up my quota on romance the last time that I don't get to have any this time? Was I a sexy bimbo who wished that someone would like me for more than just my body and wish that there were other things that I'd be good at other than sex? Did I use up my share of happiness then so that I had very little left in this lifetime? You know what? I probably did and I'm being punished this lifetime.
3o years and counting. Reclusion Perpetua. Life with the possibility of parole if I get enough good karma. What I don't get though is why all of the men who have broken my heart in this lifetime still have it good.
To tell you the truth, I'm a bit desolate. That's why I didn't really mind the thought of PK and I being just friends because I do need a friend right now. I don't want to dwell on the fact that he's really just not into me because that is such a sad sad thought.
I've been good for most of my life. Didn't take drugs. Didn't become an alcoholic. Got good grades. Held positions of responsibility. Didn't get myself pregnant. Kept my virginity until I was 31. What grave sin did I commit to be this unhappy in love?
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
Japanese Erotica
Just came back from my "semi-hot date" with an intended playmate. I told him that I couldn't meet up with him anymore because of certain developments and despite that, he insisted on taking me out for lunch.
Lunch was in a private function room at this really upscale Japanese restaurant. Everything he ordered was delicious and this is the part that I like about dating the most. If you're vague about what you like, they will go out of their way to give you what they think is up to your standards. So far, they think I have high standards, haha, which is probably true.
It was hard resisting him since from time to time, he couldn't help moving over to my side to kiss and grope. I knew I had to keep my resolve up but his hard cock was too tempting to resist so I gave him a blowjob right there and then which was, I admit, pretty hot, since a kimono-clad waitress could come in at any time and our "paper thin" doors could be opened to a whole host of other diners who would see the live show. Ha ha.
Of course, our meal was peppered with intelligent conversation as well as innuendoes. The thing is, I think I know why I met this guy. I explained to him my predicament about BF and PK and since he's a married man and all that, he was able to give me some perspective about "trade offs". He also showed me the light about how dull and lacking in substance PK really is. He was half wondering why I stuck it out with him and I realized my fascination for PK stems from novelty. I have never encountered a man so vacuous, so unambitious, so lacking in substance and so devoid of meaning as him. I mistake his simplicity for something akin to zen but that whole paradigm is fallacious in itself.
My attraction towards him stems from maternal instincts. Despite his seeming nonchalance and lack of feeling, I can intuit that it's just a front and he's just a little lost boy who has been hurt too much to put effort into caring for others. He is essentially weak in character and it's the bully in me that wants to get in his face. I loathe weakness in men and I want to toughen him up.
Lunch was in a private function room at this really upscale Japanese restaurant. Everything he ordered was delicious and this is the part that I like about dating the most. If you're vague about what you like, they will go out of their way to give you what they think is up to your standards. So far, they think I have high standards, haha, which is probably true.
It was hard resisting him since from time to time, he couldn't help moving over to my side to kiss and grope. I knew I had to keep my resolve up but his hard cock was too tempting to resist so I gave him a blowjob right there and then which was, I admit, pretty hot, since a kimono-clad waitress could come in at any time and our "paper thin" doors could be opened to a whole host of other diners who would see the live show. Ha ha.
Of course, our meal was peppered with intelligent conversation as well as innuendoes. The thing is, I think I know why I met this guy. I explained to him my predicament about BF and PK and since he's a married man and all that, he was able to give me some perspective about "trade offs". He also showed me the light about how dull and lacking in substance PK really is. He was half wondering why I stuck it out with him and I realized my fascination for PK stems from novelty. I have never encountered a man so vacuous, so unambitious, so lacking in substance and so devoid of meaning as him. I mistake his simplicity for something akin to zen but that whole paradigm is fallacious in itself.
My attraction towards him stems from maternal instincts. Despite his seeming nonchalance and lack of feeling, I can intuit that it's just a front and he's just a little lost boy who has been hurt too much to put effort into caring for others. He is essentially weak in character and it's the bully in me that wants to get in his face. I loathe weakness in men and I want to toughen him up.
Sunday, April 15, 2007
Sadness Reigns
I am unbelievably melancholic these days. Ever since my destiny adviser told me that I have to quit all my extra-curriculars if I want D to come, I have been sort of listless. I did just that, you know. I told everyone else that I couldn't see them anymore and I almost also told PK that. I had a problem with this Italian girl he was fucking since I thought he was getting into her but he promised that he'd be done with her after just one more fuck so that takes care of it.
I've made my choice. I choose D. That I have to clear my heart of PK first is what is making me sad. I know I have to do it. It's just something I'm not looking forward to doing especially since PK is one who keeps me company most of the time. It's like giving up my only active friend.
What makes this even more difficult and tedious is that I haven't heard from D for about two months now and I'm beginning to feel foolish.
So right now, I'm just stuck doing things I don't really want to do and the reasons that I'm doing that for remains vague and elusive. It's difficult and it's making me unbearably sad. Not frustrated. I'm way past that I think. Just really really sad. Even this campaign to nowhere is such a burden. I'm in prison for a month and a half.
I've made my choice. I choose D. That I have to clear my heart of PK first is what is making me sad. I know I have to do it. It's just something I'm not looking forward to doing especially since PK is one who keeps me company most of the time. It's like giving up my only active friend.
What makes this even more difficult and tedious is that I haven't heard from D for about two months now and I'm beginning to feel foolish.
So right now, I'm just stuck doing things I don't really want to do and the reasons that I'm doing that for remains vague and elusive. It's difficult and it's making me unbearably sad. Not frustrated. I'm way past that I think. Just really really sad. Even this campaign to nowhere is such a burden. I'm in prison for a month and a half.
Thursday, April 12, 2007
Spaced Out
I'm lethargic today and I simply do not want to do anything. Abstaining on casual sex really put a damper on my mood. But I have to do it because all my extra curricular activities has been changing my destiny. To put it bluntly, his karma was protecting him from me because I've been getting so gung ho on PK that I had even plotted out how I was going to cheat on DD already once we were together.
I've taken the past couple of days to think about whether or not I can give up PK for real. I'm nearing that point. He's got two regular fucks now - an asian girl and an italian one. He's also on the hunt for black pussy. At least, he's following my instructions and not just fucking one girl. I don't think I can take that Italian girl. He said that she doesn't like swallowing but he's still seeing her. I just can't take this anymore. Thinking whether or not he likes them. Thinking whether or not he likes me enough already.
I did broach up the subject of going out with my FB for dinner and he forbade me from doing so. When I asked him why, he said, "would you like me to be doing that with my FBs?" and I said, "No, I wouldn't like that." and he said, "Then you already know the answer."
I'm not as torn between two lovers as I was a couple of days ago. I wish I could have both of them. Someone who'll love me and someone who'll fuck me senseless. Why can't I have both?
I've taken the past couple of days to think about whether or not I can give up PK for real. I'm nearing that point. He's got two regular fucks now - an asian girl and an italian one. He's also on the hunt for black pussy. At least, he's following my instructions and not just fucking one girl. I don't think I can take that Italian girl. He said that she doesn't like swallowing but he's still seeing her. I just can't take this anymore. Thinking whether or not he likes them. Thinking whether or not he likes me enough already.
I did broach up the subject of going out with my FB for dinner and he forbade me from doing so. When I asked him why, he said, "would you like me to be doing that with my FBs?" and I said, "No, I wouldn't like that." and he said, "Then you already know the answer."
I'm not as torn between two lovers as I was a couple of days ago. I wish I could have both of them. Someone who'll love me and someone who'll fuck me senseless. Why can't I have both?
Saturday, March 31, 2007
Before Dawn
5am and I've been up for an hour already. Slept early last night and woke up reminiscing a delicious fuck I've had in the able hands of FB #2. (Hmm.... I should get him a monicker.) During our last session, he fucked me while I was lying on my side. My arms were outstretched above me and his hands were intertwined with mine, pinning them down so I couldn't move around. It was just soooo hot and the feel of his cock inside me so wonderful.
That's just so dangerous when someone makes you feel THAT good. I've been thinking of him a lot now and I think i've developed a teensy, weensy crush on him. This kind of helps my situation with FB (original dude) too because it disperses the emotion. I have yet to pick to pieces why I'm so gung ho with him. My friend says it's because I cannot have him. My other friend says it's because of my competitive nature that I feel the need to win out over all his other girls. I think it's a little bit of both. He brings out the predator in me, ha ha. Especially since he gives such good chase.
This is why I think FB over here is good for me. I wish he'd get back soon. I need a diversion. More than that, I need a good hard fuck.
That's just so dangerous when someone makes you feel THAT good. I've been thinking of him a lot now and I think i've developed a teensy, weensy crush on him. This kind of helps my situation with FB (original dude) too because it disperses the emotion. I have yet to pick to pieces why I'm so gung ho with him. My friend says it's because I cannot have him. My other friend says it's because of my competitive nature that I feel the need to win out over all his other girls. I think it's a little bit of both. He brings out the predator in me, ha ha. Especially since he gives such good chase.
This is why I think FB over here is good for me. I wish he'd get back soon. I need a diversion. More than that, I need a good hard fuck.
Sunday, March 25, 2007
My Alter Ego
Finally got myself a new FB in home base. High profile guy, big, tall, single, good looking, erotic, sensual, and most of all is very skilled at doing the stuff I like done to me. To add mystery to this whole thing, he knows me by another name. He knows it isn't my real name though. He didn't give his real name at first but smart girl that I am, I figured it out. Ha ha. You should have seen the look on his face when I told him. He asked me how I found out, I told him I was a smart girl and left it at that.
Wonderful getting fucked again on a regular basis. This guy can definitely make me cum over and over again (I lost count tonight and am exhausted) and I think he even found my G-spot. He does the most amazing thing on my nipples and with his fingers and the way his cock fills me with his deep thrusting is just... ohhhhhh. He also loves snuggling and is totally engaging when it comes to pillow talk which is fine by me because I need to catch my breath after each session which leaves me trembling. He kept on commenting that I was still shaking and trembling and I think that turned him on more.
I got good reviews from him too. My nipples seem to be just the right size for sucking (which he does sooooo well... that I cum over and over just with the nipple play). He said that he loves my tight ass, that I had smooth skin, that it was sexy the way I get sooo wet and squirt when he stimulates me, that I had excellent sucking skills (that's courtesy of FB) and that my pussy is still tight as ever that he has to take care when he first penetrates me because it drives him crazy and he doesn't want to break me apart. Oh and he just loves my choice in lingerie too. (again, courtesy of FB)
This guy also has the stamina of a horse. I'm not kidding. I think this is another one of those "be careful what you wish for" cases. We're also noisy like nothing else. I'm naturally vocal when I get fucked, not really on the talking dirty side which I do but kept to a minimum, but I do moan and scream a lot and when this guy cums, he literally growls and pumps me so powerfully that I get turned on all over again. I have no idea if our "neighbors" can hear us but I'm pretty sure they would be pretty envious of all the action.
Another thing that excites me to no end is the fact that he can physically overpower me. I tend to get fidgety when I'm buying time for rest or just don't know what will happen next (he commented on that too) and the way he restrains me with his body is just soooo hot. He did something to me tonight that was just awesome. There were a couple of times I asked him to stop not because I didn't want him to do what he was doing but because I couldn't take it anymore. The only reason I left early was because I didn't know if I had the strength to drive myself home. It was an excellent fuck session. Better than any I've ever had so far.
I do want to see him again. Of course, I will have to tone down my report to FB. I haven't tasted him yet and I plan to do that one of these days. Okay, I'm downright exhausted I might fall asleep on my keyboard so I'm signing off for now.
Overall, it was an excellent fuck.
Wonderful getting fucked again on a regular basis. This guy can definitely make me cum over and over again (I lost count tonight and am exhausted) and I think he even found my G-spot. He does the most amazing thing on my nipples and with his fingers and the way his cock fills me with his deep thrusting is just... ohhhhhh. He also loves snuggling and is totally engaging when it comes to pillow talk which is fine by me because I need to catch my breath after each session which leaves me trembling. He kept on commenting that I was still shaking and trembling and I think that turned him on more.
I got good reviews from him too. My nipples seem to be just the right size for sucking (which he does sooooo well... that I cum over and over just with the nipple play). He said that he loves my tight ass, that I had smooth skin, that it was sexy the way I get sooo wet and squirt when he stimulates me, that I had excellent sucking skills (that's courtesy of FB) and that my pussy is still tight as ever that he has to take care when he first penetrates me because it drives him crazy and he doesn't want to break me apart. Oh and he just loves my choice in lingerie too. (again, courtesy of FB)
This guy also has the stamina of a horse. I'm not kidding. I think this is another one of those "be careful what you wish for" cases. We're also noisy like nothing else. I'm naturally vocal when I get fucked, not really on the talking dirty side which I do but kept to a minimum, but I do moan and scream a lot and when this guy cums, he literally growls and pumps me so powerfully that I get turned on all over again. I have no idea if our "neighbors" can hear us but I'm pretty sure they would be pretty envious of all the action.
Another thing that excites me to no end is the fact that he can physically overpower me. I tend to get fidgety when I'm buying time for rest or just don't know what will happen next (he commented on that too) and the way he restrains me with his body is just soooo hot. He did something to me tonight that was just awesome. There were a couple of times I asked him to stop not because I didn't want him to do what he was doing but because I couldn't take it anymore. The only reason I left early was because I didn't know if I had the strength to drive myself home. It was an excellent fuck session. Better than any I've ever had so far.
I do want to see him again. Of course, I will have to tone down my report to FB. I haven't tasted him yet and I plan to do that one of these days. Okay, I'm downright exhausted I might fall asleep on my keyboard so I'm signing off for now.
Overall, it was an excellent fuck.
Wednesday, March 14, 2007
A Rose By Any Name
Throughout the years, the men I've been linked with have, at one point in time or another, attempted to describe me in three words or less. So far, I've been described as:
1. "Drama Queen"
2. "Incorrigible"
3. "Bitch"
4. "Amazing"
5. "Awfully sweet"
6. "Wonderful woman"
7. "Unbelievable"
Yada, yada, yada. I've got two new ones to add to the list courtesy of FB -- "squirelly with ADD" and "a 5 year old who's had two many cokes". Hmmm. This guy has definitely got the wrong impression of me.
Remedial measures are in order. Hmmmm.
1. "Drama Queen"
2. "Incorrigible"
3. "Bitch"
4. "Amazing"
5. "Awfully sweet"
6. "Wonderful woman"
7. "Unbelievable"
Yada, yada, yada. I've got two new ones to add to the list courtesy of FB -- "squirelly with ADD" and "a 5 year old who's had two many cokes". Hmmm. This guy has definitely got the wrong impression of me.
Remedial measures are in order. Hmmmm.
Thursday, March 08, 2007
The 5-Star BJ vs. Blue Balls
I am seriously rethinking giving out 5-star BJs before I get properly fucked. Even if I get dished out compliments about how "amazing" it was for them, the blue balls that I get when there's no follow through on my partner's part is downright frustrating.
Of course, this is pretty much FB's doing. He made darn sure that I was skilled in that area and since it takes him around an hour to cum, I've had much practice.
Still, not worth it. They've got to earn it next time.
Of course, this is pretty much FB's doing. He made darn sure that I was skilled in that area and since it takes him around an hour to cum, I've had much practice.
Still, not worth it. They've got to earn it next time.
Wednesday, March 07, 2007
Reprimand from Valmont
After bombarding V with another email, I finally got a rise out of him. Well, a reprimand of sorts, actually. Ha ha.
He called me capricious. He said I was impatient. And he told me to stop kissing his ass. He said that there were rules of engagement and outlined them to me. In essence, he told me that I should do my time mopping up the floor before I earn my right to sit at the table. So now, I'm on probation. I've been instructed to keep still until such time that he decides to return my correspondence.
Hmmm. Such a demanding man. Makes me all the more curious though but my purposeful and deliberate whirling around him and his reaction to it enabled me to zone in on him more. My observations:
1. Initially, I offered a position of subservience to him (e.g. mentor-mentee, teacher-student) to give clarity and set the tone of the correspondence. He dispelled this notion and said that we would be equals, sharing in each other's knowledge. And yet, he reclaims power again by assuming the stance of a strict instructor towards that of his apprentice. Which is good. Very good. I like strict. That's the only way I can be reigned in. So in a very roundabout manner, he has acquiesced to the tone that I wanted this correspondence to take. Very good.
2. He has acknowledged my capriciousness and has been quite annoyed with it. That's good, too. When you start from a position somewhere near the lowest rung of the ladder, it will be hard to disappoint. Momentum will build up in the natural progression of things. Of course, there is always the risk that he will consider it a waste of his time (and talent) and just walk away but as far as diversions are concerned, I'm prepared for that.
3. He has disclosed that since I've bombarded him with three letters, he will have to respond to all of them now. He really doesn't have to respond to any of them but that he *feels* he has to says something about him. There is a writer's vanity about him that needs to be fed. That's why he was taking so long to respond. He was actually thinking it out and when you take that much time to mull things over, it's not just the answers you want to dish out but the way you want to dish out the answers so that the "target" (me in this case) will perceive the writer the way he wants me to. Well, it's good that he wants to make an impression.
4. He said that "Patience is the first thing to be learned in seduction; Timing, the next." and he said this in reference to my bombardment of letters. I could have very well reminded him that from the beginning, I told him that our correspondence would be outside the ambit of "seductions" (of course, that too was a ploy) and now that's how he wants this to go which is really where I want to go with him. Nice.
Throughout my correspondence, I have dropped hints at how I would like to be seduced and how it would take a seducer of great skill to accomplish that. I hope that I've appealed enough to his vanity for him to take the cudgels on this one. It certainly would make things a lot more interesting.
So like a good girl, I will sit still. The wait begins.
He called me capricious. He said I was impatient. And he told me to stop kissing his ass. He said that there were rules of engagement and outlined them to me. In essence, he told me that I should do my time mopping up the floor before I earn my right to sit at the table. So now, I'm on probation. I've been instructed to keep still until such time that he decides to return my correspondence.
Hmmm. Such a demanding man. Makes me all the more curious though but my purposeful and deliberate whirling around him and his reaction to it enabled me to zone in on him more. My observations:
1. Initially, I offered a position of subservience to him (e.g. mentor-mentee, teacher-student) to give clarity and set the tone of the correspondence. He dispelled this notion and said that we would be equals, sharing in each other's knowledge. And yet, he reclaims power again by assuming the stance of a strict instructor towards that of his apprentice. Which is good. Very good. I like strict. That's the only way I can be reigned in. So in a very roundabout manner, he has acquiesced to the tone that I wanted this correspondence to take. Very good.
2. He has acknowledged my capriciousness and has been quite annoyed with it. That's good, too. When you start from a position somewhere near the lowest rung of the ladder, it will be hard to disappoint. Momentum will build up in the natural progression of things. Of course, there is always the risk that he will consider it a waste of his time (and talent) and just walk away but as far as diversions are concerned, I'm prepared for that.
3. He has disclosed that since I've bombarded him with three letters, he will have to respond to all of them now. He really doesn't have to respond to any of them but that he *feels* he has to says something about him. There is a writer's vanity about him that needs to be fed. That's why he was taking so long to respond. He was actually thinking it out and when you take that much time to mull things over, it's not just the answers you want to dish out but the way you want to dish out the answers so that the "target" (me in this case) will perceive the writer the way he wants me to. Well, it's good that he wants to make an impression.
4. He said that "Patience is the first thing to be learned in seduction; Timing, the next." and he said this in reference to my bombardment of letters. I could have very well reminded him that from the beginning, I told him that our correspondence would be outside the ambit of "seductions" (of course, that too was a ploy) and now that's how he wants this to go which is really where I want to go with him. Nice.
Throughout my correspondence, I have dropped hints at how I would like to be seduced and how it would take a seducer of great skill to accomplish that. I hope that I've appealed enough to his vanity for him to take the cudgels on this one. It certainly would make things a lot more interesting.
So like a good girl, I will sit still. The wait begins.
Tuesday, March 06, 2007
Seductive Profile
I have received no response to letters to Valmont yet. Perhaps, I do not tickle his fancy but I suspect (which is oftentimes the case) that he is still trying to figure out what to make of me.
In the meantime, I have followed his writings. He certainly had time to compose lengthy posts in the forum and although with each writing, he reveals more and more of himself. I find that I can idealize him more when I do not know too much about him. When you order a gourmet meal, you'd like it to come to you hot, garnished and plated. That is the point of fine dining. I don't want to stand around in the kitchen watching the chefs whip it up.
Aside from that, I've been trying to figure out my seductive profile. I am a natural, first and foremost. A dandy, second, interspersed with a bit of the coquette, and a Siren when it comes to matters beyond closed doors. My seductive charm with the opposite sex revolves around the Madonna/Whore ideal and when men are faced with someone childlike enough to emanate innocence, corrupted enough to stir their loins and their imagination, nurturing enough to mother them and artistic and spiritual enough to embody their lofty ideals, they are often at a loss as to how to proceed. I have seen this in their eyes. The confusion and desire. They do not know if they want to protect me or ravage me, worship me or discard me, possess me or set me free. As if any wrong move on their part will destroy what they have cherished from afar for so long.
My rake, on the other hand, is a disappointed dreamer first and foremost. He copes with this by being an exotic fetishist but that is merely his avenue of escape. He further reinforces this with the rake persona which is, in my opinion, still half baked because he cannot bring himself to fully go all out with a woman especially since he knows how easily he crashes and burns.
Thailand and its scores of cheap pussy presented itself to him during the time when he was getting a divorce. I suspect that he gave a lot of himself into his marriage and the certainty of knowing that, despite this, it wasn't enough has stamped failure all over his romantic persona. He needed distance and objectification in order to cope. After all, what value could there be in someone/something so easily disposable and replaceable?
My analogy is this. Suppose you're a painter and you've spent a couple of years on what you thought would be your "masterpiece". You give as much of yourself into it as you could give because not only do you want your art to make a statement to the world; you also want it to be personal. It's time for your exhibit and after a harrowing experience at the hands of the critics and art patrons, it's a flop. This thing that you thought you did so well at turned out to be something that you did not know how to do at all. But what do you do when it's the only thing you know how to do for a living? You still paint. In fact, you paint more. You trivialize the effort that you've put into your masterpiece saying it was "nothing". You do it all the time anyway. It's not a big deal.
Well, that may be so except that you'd be shortchanging yourself. Will it take somebody else to get you out of that funk? Perhaps. Will that person be me? I don't know. Do I want that person to be me? The nurturer in me makes it difficult for me to turn my back on this one. But let me think about it first. I have the time.
In the meantime, I have followed his writings. He certainly had time to compose lengthy posts in the forum and although with each writing, he reveals more and more of himself. I find that I can idealize him more when I do not know too much about him. When you order a gourmet meal, you'd like it to come to you hot, garnished and plated. That is the point of fine dining. I don't want to stand around in the kitchen watching the chefs whip it up.
Aside from that, I've been trying to figure out my seductive profile. I am a natural, first and foremost. A dandy, second, interspersed with a bit of the coquette, and a Siren when it comes to matters beyond closed doors. My seductive charm with the opposite sex revolves around the Madonna/Whore ideal and when men are faced with someone childlike enough to emanate innocence, corrupted enough to stir their loins and their imagination, nurturing enough to mother them and artistic and spiritual enough to embody their lofty ideals, they are often at a loss as to how to proceed. I have seen this in their eyes. The confusion and desire. They do not know if they want to protect me or ravage me, worship me or discard me, possess me or set me free. As if any wrong move on their part will destroy what they have cherished from afar for so long.
My rake, on the other hand, is a disappointed dreamer first and foremost. He copes with this by being an exotic fetishist but that is merely his avenue of escape. He further reinforces this with the rake persona which is, in my opinion, still half baked because he cannot bring himself to fully go all out with a woman especially since he knows how easily he crashes and burns.
Thailand and its scores of cheap pussy presented itself to him during the time when he was getting a divorce. I suspect that he gave a lot of himself into his marriage and the certainty of knowing that, despite this, it wasn't enough has stamped failure all over his romantic persona. He needed distance and objectification in order to cope. After all, what value could there be in someone/something so easily disposable and replaceable?
My analogy is this. Suppose you're a painter and you've spent a couple of years on what you thought would be your "masterpiece". You give as much of yourself into it as you could give because not only do you want your art to make a statement to the world; you also want it to be personal. It's time for your exhibit and after a harrowing experience at the hands of the critics and art patrons, it's a flop. This thing that you thought you did so well at turned out to be something that you did not know how to do at all. But what do you do when it's the only thing you know how to do for a living? You still paint. In fact, you paint more. You trivialize the effort that you've put into your masterpiece saying it was "nothing". You do it all the time anyway. It's not a big deal.
Well, that may be so except that you'd be shortchanging yourself. Will it take somebody else to get you out of that funk? Perhaps. Will that person be me? I don't know. Do I want that person to be me? The nurturer in me makes it difficult for me to turn my back on this one. But let me think about it first. I have the time.
Saturday, March 03, 2007
Letters from the Marquise de Merteuil
Dark Stranger,
I apologize for writing you again especially when you told me to wait. Ever since I have come across the message boards, I have been trembling with eagerness and anticipation as if I've found myself in one of those vintage neighborhood chocolate shops where they make the chocolate taffy by the window and I want a taste of each and every delicious morsel on the display counter in front of me. I have lost sleep over it. And even if there is work to be done, articles to be submitted, I cannot think of anything else. Yes, deadlines be damned.
Yet again, I have found another obsession that consumes me. It is my weakness, I know, but the call to succumb and surrender to the chaotic and unpredictable is one that I often fail to resist especially since the rest of my wakefulness is infused with the organized, the rational, the practical and the sterile. I long for warmth, for softness, for intensity -- the heights and the depths, if you will.
So far, the only remedy I've found to these obsessions of mine was to ride it out. Get it out of my system. Indulge in it as much as I can until it no longer amuses me or it consumes be beyond redemption in which case the challenge to rise from my ashes like the Phoenix and be reborn will be another challenge that will tickle my fancy for a long time. As you can see, patience is not one of my virtues. It is an ongoing lesson for me especially since long-term seductions are now on my agenda.
The twist in the counterseduction of my rake is that he doesn't know that the pampered royal in me has found her rightful seducer. That's one thing. Despite my penchant for deliberately getting into situations that I knowingly will not take root in, I think I have found someone who will actually get me to keep still, to a point. But he's a busy man and I need a diversion.
The other thing is that I have doubts that my Rake is a worthy victim. He has succeeded in engaging my emotions, I'll give him that but rake though he may be, he has failed to engage my mind and I doubt that he's skills as a lover are such that he would be able to keep my suspension of disbelief at bay. Although making him fall for me would seem like a prize, if and when he does, what then? I already know that a shared life with him that had any semblance of the banal and the everyday would just ruin us both. We live in totally different worlds and although I could strive for that moment of perfection where east meets west and there is a blinding integration, like you said in your posts, this cannot be maintained. If ever I keep on with this, it will be purely for love of the game.
For someone who is truly seeking redemption, I am at a quandary. I know I am ruined and what I know, what I have seen, and the games that I've played will keep me from truly being swept off my feet. That is my tragedy. However, spinning little webs is second nature to me. The ultimate irony from an arachnophobe. That, on the other hand, is my challenge.
So tell me, should I go on and seek more verdant pastures? I will defer to your wisdom and experience barring any streak of stubborness that might get in the way, haha. Let me know.
M.
I apologize for writing you again especially when you told me to wait. Ever since I have come across the message boards, I have been trembling with eagerness and anticipation as if I've found myself in one of those vintage neighborhood chocolate shops where they make the chocolate taffy by the window and I want a taste of each and every delicious morsel on the display counter in front of me. I have lost sleep over it. And even if there is work to be done, articles to be submitted, I cannot think of anything else. Yes, deadlines be damned.
Yet again, I have found another obsession that consumes me. It is my weakness, I know, but the call to succumb and surrender to the chaotic and unpredictable is one that I often fail to resist especially since the rest of my wakefulness is infused with the organized, the rational, the practical and the sterile. I long for warmth, for softness, for intensity -- the heights and the depths, if you will.
So far, the only remedy I've found to these obsessions of mine was to ride it out. Get it out of my system. Indulge in it as much as I can until it no longer amuses me or it consumes be beyond redemption in which case the challenge to rise from my ashes like the Phoenix and be reborn will be another challenge that will tickle my fancy for a long time. As you can see, patience is not one of my virtues. It is an ongoing lesson for me especially since long-term seductions are now on my agenda.
The twist in the counterseduction of my rake is that he doesn't know that the pampered royal in me has found her rightful seducer. That's one thing. Despite my penchant for deliberately getting into situations that I knowingly will not take root in, I think I have found someone who will actually get me to keep still, to a point. But he's a busy man and I need a diversion.
The other thing is that I have doubts that my Rake is a worthy victim. He has succeeded in engaging my emotions, I'll give him that but rake though he may be, he has failed to engage my mind and I doubt that he's skills as a lover are such that he would be able to keep my suspension of disbelief at bay. Although making him fall for me would seem like a prize, if and when he does, what then? I already know that a shared life with him that had any semblance of the banal and the everyday would just ruin us both. We live in totally different worlds and although I could strive for that moment of perfection where east meets west and there is a blinding integration, like you said in your posts, this cannot be maintained. If ever I keep on with this, it will be purely for love of the game.
For someone who is truly seeking redemption, I am at a quandary. I know I am ruined and what I know, what I have seen, and the games that I've played will keep me from truly being swept off my feet. That is my tragedy. However, spinning little webs is second nature to me. The ultimate irony from an arachnophobe. That, on the other hand, is my challenge.
So tell me, should I go on and seek more verdant pastures? I will defer to your wisdom and experience barring any streak of stubborness that might get in the way, haha. Let me know.
M.
Friday, March 02, 2007
Deconstruction of a Rake
While I was researching on material I could use in this seduction, I came across a post of this consummate rake. He is so good at what he does that for a moment there, I got distracted and wanted to be thoroughly seduced by this guy instead just so that I could effect a counterseduction. Naughty, naughty. One at a time, greedy girl.
I got in touch with him, and asked him if he could be my Valmont in what I am trying to accomplish. He seemed receptive. I just hope he'll be amenable to being my co-conspirator on this one.
Onto the Seduction of FB...
Today was another step forward. He told me about the Thai girls he fucked and how he liked new pussy every time. Every girl he's been with has left him simply because they couldn't take him fucking other girls. So I reminded him about how I was different from the other girls. I told him I liked him fucking other girls as long as I knew about it. This seemed to draw him out and after clarifying the fine print in our "arrangement" he even volunteered to show me pics of the girls he fucked while on vacation. He even showed me a pic of that "special girl" that he fucked the most.
I was bracing myself for the green monster but I think I internalized the role I was playing so much that I didn't have to put much effort. For one thing, my initial reaction wasn't jealousy. I was more horrified than jealous. The girls he'd been fucking looked like your basic Thai street whore and I can tell you right now that I am waaaaayyyy out of that league. I nearly abandoned this endeavor when I saw those pics. And when I told him that he could go fuck as much Thai pussy as he liked (which seemed to make him happy), I actually meant it. In this chase, his cock is definitely not the prize.
Still and all, I think it is progress that no matter where this lone wolf wanders, he is learning to come back to me. Training will continue. On the other hand, I'm meeting a potential regular fuck tonight with FB's blessings. We'll see how that goes.
I got in touch with him, and asked him if he could be my Valmont in what I am trying to accomplish. He seemed receptive. I just hope he'll be amenable to being my co-conspirator on this one.
Onto the Seduction of FB...
Today was another step forward. He told me about the Thai girls he fucked and how he liked new pussy every time. Every girl he's been with has left him simply because they couldn't take him fucking other girls. So I reminded him about how I was different from the other girls. I told him I liked him fucking other girls as long as I knew about it. This seemed to draw him out and after clarifying the fine print in our "arrangement" he even volunteered to show me pics of the girls he fucked while on vacation. He even showed me a pic of that "special girl" that he fucked the most.
I was bracing myself for the green monster but I think I internalized the role I was playing so much that I didn't have to put much effort. For one thing, my initial reaction wasn't jealousy. I was more horrified than jealous. The girls he'd been fucking looked like your basic Thai street whore and I can tell you right now that I am waaaaayyyy out of that league. I nearly abandoned this endeavor when I saw those pics. And when I told him that he could go fuck as much Thai pussy as he liked (which seemed to make him happy), I actually meant it. In this chase, his cock is definitely not the prize.
Still and all, I think it is progress that no matter where this lone wolf wanders, he is learning to come back to me. Training will continue. On the other hand, I'm meeting a potential regular fuck tonight with FB's blessings. We'll see how that goes.
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
Push and Pull
The seduction of FB has begun. Sent him that first email and he was very receptive. In fact, the chat that followed was rather intimate and somewhat romantic. Better than I expected even. I have clarified status that I'm his girl and he said that he will always be my lover no matter what my situation is.
Isn't that what I wanted?
The thing is, I didn't expect him to capitulate too soon. That's catching the mouse waaaayy to early even before a proper chase has gone on. Ever since that email, I've been chatting with him as soon as he gets home from work and when he wakes up before he leaves for work. That's too much exposure for me.
That is also the reason why it's best that I see him in small doses. Even if I long to be close to him and be considered special above all others, I'm just not built that way and too much intimacy and prolonged exposure to each other will just drive me away.
He's also terribly dull, have I mentioned that? Seriously, I don't know how he can manage to revolve his life around sex and not get bored with it from time to time. I mean, I do understand it because he's a man but what I'm really saying is that I won't be able to maintain my sanity if that's all we did. All he talks about is going deep inside me and I don't know how many girls he tells the same thing to. So there. Boring for now. But make no mistake, I am pushing through with this. I just need to get some distance from him.
Have a possible playmate over here. He's American. Looks good too -- lean and muscular with a well endowed banana shaped cock to boot. He was nice on the phone and we'll be getting together soon. FB gave his stamp of approval so, hopefully, if things turn out well, I'll get my diversion soon enough.
Isn't that what I wanted?
The thing is, I didn't expect him to capitulate too soon. That's catching the mouse waaaayy to early even before a proper chase has gone on. Ever since that email, I've been chatting with him as soon as he gets home from work and when he wakes up before he leaves for work. That's too much exposure for me.
That is also the reason why it's best that I see him in small doses. Even if I long to be close to him and be considered special above all others, I'm just not built that way and too much intimacy and prolonged exposure to each other will just drive me away.
He's also terribly dull, have I mentioned that? Seriously, I don't know how he can manage to revolve his life around sex and not get bored with it from time to time. I mean, I do understand it because he's a man but what I'm really saying is that I won't be able to maintain my sanity if that's all we did. All he talks about is going deep inside me and I don't know how many girls he tells the same thing to. So there. Boring for now. But make no mistake, I am pushing through with this. I just need to get some distance from him.
Have a possible playmate over here. He's American. Looks good too -- lean and muscular with a well endowed banana shaped cock to boot. He was nice on the phone and we'll be getting together soon. FB gave his stamp of approval so, hopefully, if things turn out well, I'll get my diversion soon enough.
Monday, February 26, 2007
The Game is Afoot
FB just came back from Thailand and a couple of days ago, I found out that he made a "special friend" over there. She also the reason he couldn't come visit me in my country because he was thoroughly enjoying himself over there with her.
Okay, so I've cried my eyes out, gnashed my teeth and pulled my hair out in grief the past couple of days but thanks to a different perspective, I've decided to get back in the ring and stake my claim over MY lone wolf. Yes, I do know that we will never end up together and even if he dropped down on one knee and asked me to marry him right now, I'd say no BUT FB has a long term role to play in my life and I will definitely protect *that* interest of mine.
My destiny adviser says that it will take at least three months for me to get under his skin once again and four to five years before he does a double take and realizes how much I have come to mean to him but after much deliberation, I therefore conclude that I am willing to put in the time.
My biggest challenge in all this is keeping my green monster at bay. I am actually quite notorious to my friends when it comes to jealousy episodes and the words "unbridled passion" comes to mind. But I think that as long as I keep my eyes on the ball and put on my game face, I can do this. I have been advised though to use email as my main medium until such time that I can get a handle on my emotions and not let anything seep through during live conversation. And if that Thai girl has won the battle this round, I will make it my own personal mission to make sure that I will win the war. I am a seductress and this seduction will certainly put my skills to the test.
Why do I think I can do this? Well, I've got credentials. Ha ha. The letter writing part, I've got down pat. I have seven years experience in an ongoing romantic correspondence behind me and even if the guy broke my heart (battle), four years later, he is still pining after me, a fact I gathered from his best friend.
As for the "other woman" part, heck, I have been in an emotional affair with a married man. Played badminton with his wife and went through the hell of her pregnancy with their first born. Yup, I was there that day when the doctor announced she was pregnant and when she finally gave birth, J named his son the name I picked out, not the one his wife did. And yes, I was totally in love with the man. So the whole episode hurt and I bore witness to him being with his wife, being sweet to his wife especially during those times when I simply couldn't avoid her presence during office functions when family was invited.
If I could go through that, I am certain I can go through this. For one thing, FB isn't married and doesn't plan to be. He's not looking for love. He's looking for fun and companionship. Oh, and another thing, I'm the one in a relationship right now so that's the twist in this case. And when that relationship becomes permanent, then the rules of engagement will have to be tweaked. Until then, my strategy in marking my territory is largely a mental one. I will have to assume he's married. He's entitled to have sex with her and to spend time with her or whomever he wishes to. She doesn't concern me. My world with FB is our world together. Ours and ours alone. Whether she's sweet or kind or satisfies him in bed, I will even accept that as fact. I will not wonder about it. It's a given. But I will go through this on the basis of my own merits. The sexiest organ in the body is the brain and I will give him a taste of that sweet nectar. I will not ask him about his conquests. I will merely tell him about mine (fact or fiction) and remind him from time to time that I am real. So I will be his muse and whenever he fucks some other girl, it will be me who'll be in bed with him.
So yes, I can do this. I will not even be paranoid at the results nor wonder about it. I will just do it and continue doing it and it will be like the constant drops of water that smooths out a jagged stone over time.
I'm marking my territory. And I'm in it for the long haul.
Okay, so I've cried my eyes out, gnashed my teeth and pulled my hair out in grief the past couple of days but thanks to a different perspective, I've decided to get back in the ring and stake my claim over MY lone wolf. Yes, I do know that we will never end up together and even if he dropped down on one knee and asked me to marry him right now, I'd say no BUT FB has a long term role to play in my life and I will definitely protect *that* interest of mine.
My destiny adviser says that it will take at least three months for me to get under his skin once again and four to five years before he does a double take and realizes how much I have come to mean to him but after much deliberation, I therefore conclude that I am willing to put in the time.
My biggest challenge in all this is keeping my green monster at bay. I am actually quite notorious to my friends when it comes to jealousy episodes and the words "unbridled passion" comes to mind. But I think that as long as I keep my eyes on the ball and put on my game face, I can do this. I have been advised though to use email as my main medium until such time that I can get a handle on my emotions and not let anything seep through during live conversation. And if that Thai girl has won the battle this round, I will make it my own personal mission to make sure that I will win the war. I am a seductress and this seduction will certainly put my skills to the test.
Why do I think I can do this? Well, I've got credentials. Ha ha. The letter writing part, I've got down pat. I have seven years experience in an ongoing romantic correspondence behind me and even if the guy broke my heart (battle), four years later, he is still pining after me, a fact I gathered from his best friend.
As for the "other woman" part, heck, I have been in an emotional affair with a married man. Played badminton with his wife and went through the hell of her pregnancy with their first born. Yup, I was there that day when the doctor announced she was pregnant and when she finally gave birth, J named his son the name I picked out, not the one his wife did. And yes, I was totally in love with the man. So the whole episode hurt and I bore witness to him being with his wife, being sweet to his wife especially during those times when I simply couldn't avoid her presence during office functions when family was invited.
If I could go through that, I am certain I can go through this. For one thing, FB isn't married and doesn't plan to be. He's not looking for love. He's looking for fun and companionship. Oh, and another thing, I'm the one in a relationship right now so that's the twist in this case. And when that relationship becomes permanent, then the rules of engagement will have to be tweaked. Until then, my strategy in marking my territory is largely a mental one. I will have to assume he's married. He's entitled to have sex with her and to spend time with her or whomever he wishes to. She doesn't concern me. My world with FB is our world together. Ours and ours alone. Whether she's sweet or kind or satisfies him in bed, I will even accept that as fact. I will not wonder about it. It's a given. But I will go through this on the basis of my own merits. The sexiest organ in the body is the brain and I will give him a taste of that sweet nectar. I will not ask him about his conquests. I will merely tell him about mine (fact or fiction) and remind him from time to time that I am real. So I will be his muse and whenever he fucks some other girl, it will be me who'll be in bed with him.
So yes, I can do this. I will not even be paranoid at the results nor wonder about it. I will just do it and continue doing it and it will be like the constant drops of water that smooths out a jagged stone over time.
I'm marking my territory. And I'm in it for the long haul.
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
Slow Day
My destiny adviser told me to take a slow day to think and meditate whether or not I was ready for marriage. Seriously, I don't know how to take one. Even though I try not to do anything, my mind still races at a hundred miles per hour and I can't seem to settle on the thought. But to oblige, what would be the things that would change if I get married and to an extremely busy man at that?
I was going to make a bulleted list but then again, all it boils down to is that because he's busy, I'll have much alone time. Then what's new? I'm alone most of the time. I'd really rather be with someone who cares about me and whom I care about than be alone. I'm already rather domesticated, you know. I don't need to be out all the time (just some of the time) because I almost always find something to amuse myself with.
I know I'll have to socialize with his family and friends and I'm okay with that. I know I'm going to have to make new friends of my own wherever I'll be based in and i'm okay with that too. I'm going to have to learn how to live with my hubby, his likes and dislikes but since he's got a schedule of his own then it won't really be an ongoing thing. They say he's the jealous type even if he doesn't claim to be but most of my male friends are over here anyway so I don't think that's going to be a problem.
Bottomline is, I'm alone most of the time. I'd like to share myself already. Not because I need company but who knows? Maybe somebody else would be happier with me around. That would be nice -- making someone else happy.
I was going to make a bulleted list but then again, all it boils down to is that because he's busy, I'll have much alone time. Then what's new? I'm alone most of the time. I'd really rather be with someone who cares about me and whom I care about than be alone. I'm already rather domesticated, you know. I don't need to be out all the time (just some of the time) because I almost always find something to amuse myself with.
I know I'll have to socialize with his family and friends and I'm okay with that. I know I'm going to have to make new friends of my own wherever I'll be based in and i'm okay with that too. I'm going to have to learn how to live with my hubby, his likes and dislikes but since he's got a schedule of his own then it won't really be an ongoing thing. They say he's the jealous type even if he doesn't claim to be but most of my male friends are over here anyway so I don't think that's going to be a problem.
Bottomline is, I'm alone most of the time. I'd like to share myself already. Not because I need company but who knows? Maybe somebody else would be happier with me around. That would be nice -- making someone else happy.
My Funny Valentine
It's V-day today and for the first time in many years I'm not paranoid about it. Strange huh? Even if I haven't heard anything (not even so much as a greeting from people I "love"), it doesn't seem to matter so much. It's just like any other day -- except that I'm okay. Really. I might even be happy, you know, haha.
I talked to D a couple of days ago. Maybe it was even a week ago and he did say that he would come over here and when I told him that I hoped he'd be here for V-day, he said that Mumu can be my date instead while he isn't around. Very funny. Mumu HAS been my date for the past couple of years.
It's different having peace of mind and trusting in the future. I've never felt this positive in a long time even if I don't have anything tangible that's different from my situation before. My bills still need to get paid. I'm in a much deeper debt hole than ever. I don't have a regular job but make enough to pay the bills. My family problems are still as loathesome as ever. I'm fatter than I ever was before. I don't have any men I go out here with in my country. Although I have friends, they're too busy to hang out with me. I'm uncertain what will happen to my relationship with T or D and yet...I am not worried. In fact, I feel blessed despite all this.
I remember one time when I felt really down and I was looking up at the night sky while I was on the porch. I was crying my eyes out and I asked God to help me with this burden. I asked Mother Mary to soothe my troubled spirit and lifted up my heart to Them. I said that They could take care of my heart much more better that I could what with my faulted judgment and human error. And you know what? I think they they're helping me right now. And I'm thankful for the blessing.
Finally, I am trusting is Something, Someone that I cannot see. And it feels wonderful.
Happy Valentines today. Share the love.
I talked to D a couple of days ago. Maybe it was even a week ago and he did say that he would come over here and when I told him that I hoped he'd be here for V-day, he said that Mumu can be my date instead while he isn't around. Very funny. Mumu HAS been my date for the past couple of years.
It's different having peace of mind and trusting in the future. I've never felt this positive in a long time even if I don't have anything tangible that's different from my situation before. My bills still need to get paid. I'm in a much deeper debt hole than ever. I don't have a regular job but make enough to pay the bills. My family problems are still as loathesome as ever. I'm fatter than I ever was before. I don't have any men I go out here with in my country. Although I have friends, they're too busy to hang out with me. I'm uncertain what will happen to my relationship with T or D and yet...I am not worried. In fact, I feel blessed despite all this.
I remember one time when I felt really down and I was looking up at the night sky while I was on the porch. I was crying my eyes out and I asked God to help me with this burden. I asked Mother Mary to soothe my troubled spirit and lifted up my heart to Them. I said that They could take care of my heart much more better that I could what with my faulted judgment and human error. And you know what? I think they they're helping me right now. And I'm thankful for the blessing.
Finally, I am trusting is Something, Someone that I cannot see. And it feels wonderful.
Happy Valentines today. Share the love.
Wednesday, February 07, 2007
The Sins of the Father
I don't know what to do about my dad anymore. He tried to talk to me early this morning (presumably to borrow money)-- but he didn't get to that part. I really didn't even want to talk to him but because I felt I was being unreasonable, I called back and the first thing he puts on the table is to ask me if I was willing to help. And when I said, "How?" he took that as a slight because in his mind, I should have said "yes" right away, no questions asked.
Is he insane? Is he kidding me? The bottomline is that you don't ask that kind of question to somebody who doesn't trust you. And I don't. I don't trust him at all. I haven't done so in the past five years or so ever since he tried to evict me. There's too much bad blood between us to leave a good taste in the mouth.
He is just so unbelievably oppressive and the most narrow minded person on earth I know. And, yes, I am angry at him. Raving mad, actually. I'm mad because he has been so selfish. I'm mad because he doesn't think about our family even if he continually boasts to others about being a family man. I' m mad because all these words are lies because he ceases to back them up with solid action. I'm mad because for the past seven years, he has neglected to put in place mechanisms that would ensure that my sisters would have tuition, there'd be food on the table, money to pay the bills and that my mom would not need to worry and think about these things. I'm mad because he pushes away the people that can help him the most because he's being over sensitive. I'm mad because even my brother cannot look up to him right now as being his role model. I'm mad because he has the temerity to even consider running for politics (and he did say he would run) when he doesn't even have the money to put food on the table. I'm mad because he burdens my sisters with the problems that he should have been taking care of instead of letting them focus on their studies. I'm mad because he feels that he can withdraw on the goodwill of others when he hasn't made any deposits. I'm mad because this state was foreseeable and could have been prevented but he did not do anything to prevent it.
I am just so mad at him. The world doesn't owe him anything, you know. He should know that. And right now, I just don't love him at all. Heck, I don't even like him at all.
I have already relegated this relationship as a lost cause. It's just so heavy. Maybe one day I will be able to talk to him but right now, I really am indifferent if only because I'm focused on my survival and that of my sisters. Right now, it's best to just peaceably co-exist. Communication is futile anyway with someone who does not seek to understand where the other is coming from. I am willing to talk and process these feelings but NOT without a third party such as a mediator or a counselor. No way. Nothing would happen if we just went at it on our own.
It's just so heavy. Everytime I move a little bit forward, he comes back in and drags me down. I don't want that in my life.
Is he insane? Is he kidding me? The bottomline is that you don't ask that kind of question to somebody who doesn't trust you. And I don't. I don't trust him at all. I haven't done so in the past five years or so ever since he tried to evict me. There's too much bad blood between us to leave a good taste in the mouth.
He is just so unbelievably oppressive and the most narrow minded person on earth I know. And, yes, I am angry at him. Raving mad, actually. I'm mad because he has been so selfish. I'm mad because he doesn't think about our family even if he continually boasts to others about being a family man. I' m mad because all these words are lies because he ceases to back them up with solid action. I'm mad because for the past seven years, he has neglected to put in place mechanisms that would ensure that my sisters would have tuition, there'd be food on the table, money to pay the bills and that my mom would not need to worry and think about these things. I'm mad because he pushes away the people that can help him the most because he's being over sensitive. I'm mad because even my brother cannot look up to him right now as being his role model. I'm mad because he has the temerity to even consider running for politics (and he did say he would run) when he doesn't even have the money to put food on the table. I'm mad because he burdens my sisters with the problems that he should have been taking care of instead of letting them focus on their studies. I'm mad because he feels that he can withdraw on the goodwill of others when he hasn't made any deposits. I'm mad because this state was foreseeable and could have been prevented but he did not do anything to prevent it.
I am just so mad at him. The world doesn't owe him anything, you know. He should know that. And right now, I just don't love him at all. Heck, I don't even like him at all.
I have already relegated this relationship as a lost cause. It's just so heavy. Maybe one day I will be able to talk to him but right now, I really am indifferent if only because I'm focused on my survival and that of my sisters. Right now, it's best to just peaceably co-exist. Communication is futile anyway with someone who does not seek to understand where the other is coming from. I am willing to talk and process these feelings but NOT without a third party such as a mediator or a counselor. No way. Nothing would happen if we just went at it on our own.
It's just so heavy. Everytime I move a little bit forward, he comes back in and drags me down. I don't want that in my life.
Sunday, January 28, 2007
Slaying the Dragon
I'm exhausted.
Really.
I just spent a week at the beach doing my cleansing rituals to banish the incubus that has hindered my love life all these 22 years. A day after I got back, I had to fly off to the province to attend the wedding of our long time housekeeper (24 years) who is finally getting married at 42. I think I caught the bridal bouquet when it was tossed but I'm not sure. There were only three of us trying to catch it - Baba, Kring and I - and Kring caught it at first but wasn't able to hold on to it so I ended up catching it.
This whole experience - not being sure if I caught it, Kring catching it at first - just unravelled me. Seriously, I feel as though I'm on a verge of a breakdown. I feel so resentful of my sister who has a boyfriend who keeps on texting her, who cares enough to find out how she is and me having no one to talk to.
I love my sister and she tries to help me out in my lovelife. I'm just really tired and resentful right now. I don't know why love and romance have to come by so hard for me. I don't know why I have to climb mountains, pray incessantly, slay dragons just to get a bit of love or even the opportunity for it. This journey has been sooooo long. Taking me to so many destiny and spiritual advisers, taking me to foreign lands, getting my heart broken over and over again in the process, and even now that my incubus has gone, I'm so ready to throw in the towel.
I've been reading Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus during this trip to the province. Frankly, I feel depleted and I am longing to go to my cave and never come out. It helps though to know that other married couples still have problems communicating and being intimate with each other but the difference between them and me is that they've already found the person to work out all these problems with. I do have a prospect but he hasn't contacted me in about two weeks and I don't know if he's just in his cave or he's lost interest in me altogether. He's all I've ever dreamed of in a husband (well, give or take a few) but Kring and Angel say that with him, I will have to initiate all the time to get what I want whether it be a ring or a trip to the altar. They also say that if I stop contacting him, he'll just find someone else. THAT is just exhausting.
Just imagine my fairy tale - I get to be the princess in the ivory tower waiting to be rescued and yet I have to slay the dragon on my own and instead of being swept off my feet, I have to tell my knight in shining armor what he has to do. It's just too much!!! And I'm tired and I'm weary and I'm just exhausted. It's just too much and this loneliness is such a burden.
It also doesn't help any whenever my dad refers to Kring's wedding and not mine. I don't even want to invite him to my wedding. He's the one who helped shoot my self esteem down through the years and now he's still doing the same thing. I've already cut psychological and emotional ties with him because I can't handle it anymore.
To tell you the truth, I don't know why I'm feeling like this when I should be happy that my incubus has gone. I'm going to know for sure when I meet up with Angel but even then, I'm afraid what she will say about D. Knowing for certain that I will have to start all over again -- well, I don't have any choice but to accept that but I am so close to being done with the whole thing. And what adds more pressure to this is the lack of a Plan B.
I can tell you right now that although I have to come up with a Plan B, I'm not excited about it. I have to get myself to a place where I am looking forward to days being alone and who wants to look forward to that? The recurring thought of ending it all is also bothering me. It's becoming more and more appealing and since I am by my lonesome again instead of being surrounded by loving family, I'm bothered by it.
All of a sudden, I hate everything about this country. It's just like my love life - I've loved it but it didn't love me back. Add to that the fact that everyone else gets everything easy. Kring may have been dumped and two timed by all her boyfriends but it doesn't take long for her to get a new one.
I think I have to take it easy for a few days and just take care of me. I'm usually a joyful person and great fun to be around with but but but... I seem to have lost my way being that person again. Maybe I just need to step back and collect myself.
Really.
I just spent a week at the beach doing my cleansing rituals to banish the incubus that has hindered my love life all these 22 years. A day after I got back, I had to fly off to the province to attend the wedding of our long time housekeeper (24 years) who is finally getting married at 42. I think I caught the bridal bouquet when it was tossed but I'm not sure. There were only three of us trying to catch it - Baba, Kring and I - and Kring caught it at first but wasn't able to hold on to it so I ended up catching it.
This whole experience - not being sure if I caught it, Kring catching it at first - just unravelled me. Seriously, I feel as though I'm on a verge of a breakdown. I feel so resentful of my sister who has a boyfriend who keeps on texting her, who cares enough to find out how she is and me having no one to talk to.
I love my sister and she tries to help me out in my lovelife. I'm just really tired and resentful right now. I don't know why love and romance have to come by so hard for me. I don't know why I have to climb mountains, pray incessantly, slay dragons just to get a bit of love or even the opportunity for it. This journey has been sooooo long. Taking me to so many destiny and spiritual advisers, taking me to foreign lands, getting my heart broken over and over again in the process, and even now that my incubus has gone, I'm so ready to throw in the towel.
I've been reading Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus during this trip to the province. Frankly, I feel depleted and I am longing to go to my cave and never come out. It helps though to know that other married couples still have problems communicating and being intimate with each other but the difference between them and me is that they've already found the person to work out all these problems with. I do have a prospect but he hasn't contacted me in about two weeks and I don't know if he's just in his cave or he's lost interest in me altogether. He's all I've ever dreamed of in a husband (well, give or take a few) but Kring and Angel say that with him, I will have to initiate all the time to get what I want whether it be a ring or a trip to the altar. They also say that if I stop contacting him, he'll just find someone else. THAT is just exhausting.
Just imagine my fairy tale - I get to be the princess in the ivory tower waiting to be rescued and yet I have to slay the dragon on my own and instead of being swept off my feet, I have to tell my knight in shining armor what he has to do. It's just too much!!! And I'm tired and I'm weary and I'm just exhausted. It's just too much and this loneliness is such a burden.
It also doesn't help any whenever my dad refers to Kring's wedding and not mine. I don't even want to invite him to my wedding. He's the one who helped shoot my self esteem down through the years and now he's still doing the same thing. I've already cut psychological and emotional ties with him because I can't handle it anymore.
To tell you the truth, I don't know why I'm feeling like this when I should be happy that my incubus has gone. I'm going to know for sure when I meet up with Angel but even then, I'm afraid what she will say about D. Knowing for certain that I will have to start all over again -- well, I don't have any choice but to accept that but I am so close to being done with the whole thing. And what adds more pressure to this is the lack of a Plan B.
I can tell you right now that although I have to come up with a Plan B, I'm not excited about it. I have to get myself to a place where I am looking forward to days being alone and who wants to look forward to that? The recurring thought of ending it all is also bothering me. It's becoming more and more appealing and since I am by my lonesome again instead of being surrounded by loving family, I'm bothered by it.
All of a sudden, I hate everything about this country. It's just like my love life - I've loved it but it didn't love me back. Add to that the fact that everyone else gets everything easy. Kring may have been dumped and two timed by all her boyfriends but it doesn't take long for her to get a new one.
I think I have to take it easy for a few days and just take care of me. I'm usually a joyful person and great fun to be around with but but but... I seem to have lost my way being that person again. Maybe I just need to step back and collect myself.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
